“I feel a great swell of pity for the poor soul that comes to my school looking for trouble.”

Flinthart’s review: Ugh.

It was AFL Grand Final day, and a number of my good friends in this area begged for an alternative to hanging around while their parents watched beefy men chase a chunk of leather around the field, so we had a gaming day that finished up with a late viewing of the most recent X-Men outing with Bryan Singer directing, yet again.

Honestly? Boring. Lame. Lots of smashy-splashy SFX. Plenty of punch-em-ups. A Newer Bigger Villain Threatening The World As We Know It. But as for any kind of zip or fun or joy… ha! Forget it.

It made me wonder, watching X-Men Apocalypse, how such a much-loved comic-book franchise could be so badly reconstructed for cinema. How the hell did the film-makers take iconic characters with rich backstories and create a kind of four-colour mishmash without any of the emotional qualities which drove the comics? And indeed, how do they achieve such a thing in the face of recent superhero flicks such as Captain America and Civil War, which are more or less successfully character-driven and emotionally effective despite having at least as many spandex-wearing types leaping athletically about the screen?

The answer — an answer, anyway — occurred to me as I watched the only two segments of X-Men Apocalypse which gave me any pleasure. Both of these featured the mutant Quicksilver with his hyperspeed abilities. In the first segment, he races through an exploding X-Men HQ rescuing everybody who is about to die (including a goofy dog and a goldfish). In the second, he gets to punch the crap of the Bad Guy of the Week using his hyperspeed again.

The thing is — particularly with the explosion scene — that it’s not just another superpower on screen. Quicksilver knows he’s gotta do something, so he puts on his goggles, flicks on his personal soundrack/walkman thing (The Eurythmics’ “Sweet Dreams” – a classic) and then zips about with the camera following him through a gradually unfolding explosion as he rescues people in his own kind of early-twenties slacker way. It’s a deeply character-driven scene which reveals a great deal about Quicksilver as a person, and it’s also more than a little funny. Sure, it’s utterly dependent upon remarkable SFX and CGI wizardry — but it works.

And that’s what’s missing, by and large, from these X-movies. There’s no personal touches, no little gems of dialogue, no special moments to allow the audience to connect with these larger-than-life characters… and so for most of the movie, all we can do is sit back, munch our popcorn, and watch as the spandex-types alternately smash stuff up or look concerned about whatever they have to smash up next.

Even Fassbender’s Erik Lehnsherr/Magneto… even his return from hiding out feels dreadfully ‘by-the-numbers.’ Once again, Magneto has a family. Once again, his family is killed by people suspicious of his mutant nature… and ho hum, yet again Magneto does his nana and butchers a bunch of people in response.

Personally, I think these X-films are the single best argument for the approach taken by Marvel in creating their Avengers cinematic universe. By giving individual characters their own films, and keeping a bit of crossover going, when we get to the films that are full of spandex the writers and directors can load up with references, Easter eggs and “personalized moments” to help the audience continue seeing the characters that are supposed to inhabit those colourful costumes. I think it’s very telling that characters I cared least about in Civil War were relative newcomers Vision and the Scarlet Witch… whose backstories are largely offscreen. (Though they did try with the Vision. I’ll give them that.)

Anyway: you wanna watch Apocalypse? Go right ahead. But if I were you, I’d have a jug of G&T and a few good friends close by. Otherwise, it’s a great big meh-fest. And yeah, that’s even with the inevitable Huge Ackman Wolverine Cameo.

Justin’s rating: Sweet dreams are made of this

Justin’s review: Boy did I make a big mistake. You see, I took it upon myself to finish up the X-Men film series on the site, seeing as how we only had it about halfway completed as of 2020. But then I got sloppy and approached the final six movies poorly, watching the best first and leaving the mixed bag for after. Nobody claimed that great planning was my mutant superpower.

In any case, it needed to be done. I’ve always been curious how the series continued after the rather excellent Days of Future Past, which wrapped up in Sentinels, the future, and the 1970s into a great package. Now with Apocalypse, we’re brought into the ’80s to see how the younger cast is faring.

At first, all seems like they’re faring very well. Apocalypse jams in almost more of the famous X-Men roster than in any other movie before it, and each new sighting was a jolt of geeky pleasure to my brain. Psylocke! Nightcrawler! Angel! Cyclops! Quicksilver! Jubilee! Beast! Even a smattering of Wolverine!

It’s been 10 years since Magneto attempted to kill Richard Nixon and the Sentinel program was discontinued. Magneto’s living in peace with his wife and daughter, the X-Men have yet to be formed as a permanent group, and various characters are discovering their place in the world. Yet all of this is thrown up into the air when a super-powerful ancient mutant named Apocalypse (Oscar Isaac) from Ye Olde Egyptian Tymes is unearthed to bring a civilization-destroying threat to the world.

Apocalypse starts recruiting his “four horsemen” — Psylocke, Storm, Angel, and Magneto — to whom he bestows upgraded versions of their powers. Once he begins his rampage, it’s up to Professor X’s not-quite-ready-for-prime-time players to form into the X-Men we know and love and battle this threat.

I had heard not-so-great things about X-Men: Apocalypse, so I came into this expecting a real letdown. However, much of it works pretty well. It’s a nice continuation of the First Class storyline, helping to bridge more of that gap between the past and the X-Men of the original trilogy (despite so many plot holes and continuity issues that careful scrutiny sees the backside of these films held together by chicken wire and duct tape).

There’s certainly a great pedigree of actor talent here, especially James McAvoy (Prof X) and Michael Fassbender (Magneto), who give Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen a serious run for their original paychecks. And the ’80s setting, which is used sparingly, fits well. The pop culture references, the wardrobes, and the Cold War vibes are a perfect backdrop.

But it’s not perfect. There sour jelly at the center of this donut is its antagonist, who is as tiresome as his scenes are long. Apocalypse never seems like a real character, just some dude set to “god mode” and set loose. Superhero movies either need great villains or great threats, and this has neither.

I could nitpick several other things, such as how Jennifer Lawrence seems to be phoning it in to the point where she’s not even wearing Mystique’s trademark blue skin most of the time (nor Hank’s Beast, which really bummed me out). There’s absolutely no reason why Mystique is made the de facto leader of the X-Men, other than Lawrence’s star power, but boy is she not the right pick for this role. I also felt the lack of a central theme or message to really tie this film together. Finally, the runtime is too long, making this feel more like a marathon than it had to be. Am I the only one tired of these plus-sized superhero flicks?

That all said, it’s certainly not anywhere near the worst of the X-Men films and fills the role of a popcorn flick. The Quicksilver rescue sequence, in which our favorite superfast mutant outraces an ever-expanding school-destroying explosion to save everyone, is worth the price of admission alone. And I thought that there were some genuinely funny and genuinely moving moments that left an impression.

An apocalypse this wasn’t, either for the plot or the franchise. Acceptable middle-of-the-road mutant fare, moving on.

Intermission!

• Guess we wandered into Stargate for a minute there, whoops
• Guy just got turned into a ball, that couldn’t have felt good
• Really neat tunnel time travel sequence with that pumped-up music
• Cyclops has a bad start in the bathroom
• Angel vs. Nightcrawler
• “Watch where you’re going” is a great thing to say to an obviously blindfolded person
• That was Professor X’s favorite tree!
• Magneto’s “Is this what I am?” scene is so heartbreaking
• Decapi-dust
• Oh it’s the old “touch the TV/computer to learn everything about our language and culture” trick
• We all wanted to know how Storm got her white hair, yes? Well, you’re going to find out anyway.
• “I’m blue!” I love me some Nightcrawler
• Psylocke’s trademark purple psi-dagger made my day
• I was hoping Angel would get his metal wings. Wish granted.
• Don’t bag on Return of the Jedi!
• The Quicksilver rescue scene is amazing (of course)
• The goldfish are saved at least
• Beast’s makeup is not great
• About time that Weapon X got loose, although it’s a little heavy-handed
• All CIA agents know how to fly supersonic jets