“It’s not wise to joke about such matters. The Devil is not exactly noted for his sense of humor.”

Sitting Duck’s rating: Two out of 10 sacrificial virgin floggings

Sitting Duck’s review: Back in the 1960s and 1970s, there were two names that dominated British horror cinema: Hammer and Amicus. The former leaned more towards period pieces, while the latter preferred contemporary settings. And while Hammer is probably better known overall, both have their share of memorable flicks.

Then there was Tigon. If Hammer and Amicus could be seen as the Coke and Pepsi of British cinematic horror, then Tigon was that skuzzy off-brand cola that you always suspected really was malted battery acid. Even though they had access to the same actors, past Witchfinder General Tigon never really took off and quickly foundered as a production company. After watching Curse of the Crimson Altar, you’ll understand why.

Antiques dealer Robert Manning (Mark Eden) is troubled by how he hasn’t heard from his brother and business partner Peter for some time. The most recent contact came from a rather odd letter written nine days ago on stationery from Craxted Lodge in Greymarsh. His only recourse is to visit Greymarsh and ask around.

Upon arrival, Manning gets quite a start when he encounters what looks like a naked young woman being chased down fox hunt style. But it’s all part of the good, clean, wholesome fun that is the yearly local celebration of the witch Lavinia Morley being executed, with effigy burnings and fireworks among the less kinky activities.

At Craxted Lodge, Manning meets the sinister owner Morley (Christopher Lee), his comely niece Eve (Virginia Wetherell), and occult scholar Professor Marsh (Boris Karloff). However, they all claim that his brother never visited, and the use of the estate’s stationery must have been part of some prank. Yeah, that’s it. To make up for his fruitless trip, Morley offers to allow Manning to stay at Craxted Lodge for the time being, seeing as how the local inn is full up with visitors attending the festival. But perhaps sleeping in the back seat of his car might have been preferable, as Manning suffers vivid dreams of occult ceremonies where Lavinia (Barbara Steele) demands that he sign his name in a book.

While not listed as such in the movie credits, it’s popularly believed that Curse of the Crimson Altar is a loose adaptation of the H.P. Lovecraft short story “The Dreams in the Witch House.” If true, “loose” is something of an understatement. The only common point they share involves the scenes where Manning is dreaming (or iiiiis heeeee?!?!?) that he’s present at a witch cult ceremony.

And that’s a shame. While I personally regard it as a rather middling work, “The Dreams in the Witch House” has some interesting concepts. In it, Miskatonic Univerity mathematics major Walter Gilman is able to apply advanced mathematics to subconsciously engage in hyperspace travel in his sleep. This is thanks to the abnormal geometries of his room at the titular boarding house. Unfortunately, he has frequent encounters with Keziah Mason (the witch who used to live at the house and whose description doesn’t even remotely match Barbara Steele) and her rat-like familiar Brown Jenkin. There’s a ton of inspiration for a filmmaker to mine from it. Yet what little they take is grafted onto the tired formula of “chump stays at sinister house owned by obviously evil guy for contrived reasons and experiences sinister doings”. It pretty much follows all the standard beats without any interesting variants, and even concludes with the house burning down.

The threadbare plot isn’t helped by how our two nominal leads are as dull as dishwater and have absolutely no chemistry. Little wonder they’re not given top billing. That dubious honor goes to the horror triumvirate that is Boris Karloff, Christopher Lee, and Barbara Steele. Of them, Steele is the one who truly gets shafted, doing little but demand that Manning “SIGN!!!!!” his name in her evil book. Boris Karloff and Christopher Lee, being the professionals they are, do the best they can with the thin material they’re offered. Though Lee is slightly undermined by that caterpillar resting under his nose, which makes him look like an off-brand Vincent Price. Really, he’s the sort who should go either cleanshaven or full beard.

And dear Gawd that music! A significant portion of the soundtrack was played on a synthesizer. Perhaps it was just a case of a new technology being deployed before it was truly ready. But it has to be the most wretched cacophony to have ever violated my eardrums.

The final insult comes from the climax resolution, when we’re told that nothing supernatural really occurred. This in itself is not a problem. I’m up for some Scooby Doo-type explanations for how the hoodoo gets accomplished as much as the next person. But if a movie chooses to go that route, it should at least try to make it sort of plausible. And absolutely do NOT claim that any bizarre visions are a result of hypnotism. Aside from the fact that the way Tinseltown and its affiliates portray hypnotism tends to be farfetched, invoking it is just lazy. It’s the rationalist equivalent of stating that a wizard did it. What further proof do you need to conclude that this movie is guilty of being bad?

This is the last film featuring Boris Karloff that was released while he was still alive. Officially, his cause of death is listed as pneumonia. But after seeing this, I think we can agree that the true cause was shame.

Intermission!

• The opening credits have only just finished, and we go to a flogging
• Every Dark House movie needs a random guy to warn the lead chump away from the house
• The depravity of Kids These Days as imagined by a 65-year-old director
• The British version of the WGA should have fined the writer of that Karloff line to the tune of five hundred quid at minimum
• The glorious days when no one gave a flying fatootie about firework safety
• Never touch museum exhibits
• Book vandalism
• Imported to the States by our friends at AIP under the title The Crimson Cult, which edited out the more salacious material to get it a PG rating. The version on Tubi at the time I write this is the unexpurgated cut.
• Obligatory MST3K Connections: Christopher Lee (Morley) was the title character in The Castle of Fu Manchu. Ron Pember (petrol attendant) was Jones in The Land That Time Forgot. Fred Wood (acolyte) was a circus guard in Gorgo. Executive producer Tony Tenser was executive producer for The Projected Man.