As my review might imply, I simply fell in love with the cheesy badness that Masters of the Universe had to offer. This is a terrible flick, no doubt about it, full of rank plot inconsistencies and weirdness beyond belief. But at the same time, it’s glorious in how fun it is, in how ridiculous each scene gets. I loved it, in an affectionate fashion of a father for his malfunctioning android son, and I rushed out to buy my own copy. It deserved more than a mere review, Dolph Lundgren’s pecs agreed.

A little background on the He-Man universe, if you like. In the early ’80s, Mattel started looking for new ways of promoting unique toy lines, and came up with the now-standard solution of paying people a huge chunk of money to produce 30-minute animated commercials for their lines.

In other words, cartoons. Cartoons designed to do one thing and that thing well: to get kids to bug their parents to buy them all of the action figures they just saw. It worked brilliantly, and ’80s Saturday morning TV became so rife with these promotions that many families simply sold their houses in order to raise enough funds to buy a 60-foot tall version of the Voltron fortress, which the kids could play with and the parents look at fondly as they lay huddled for warmth in their dirt hole.

He-Man started its run in 1982 as a comic book, and in 1983 it became an immensely popular TV cartoon series. He-Man is actually a wimpy dude named Prince Adam, who lives on the planet Eternia. Given special powers by the Sorceress, he has the ability to transform into a massive mostly-naked barbarian who wields a sword large enough to provide base metals for at least four cars if properly melted down. No, we don’t know why he doesn’t just stay in He-Man form all the time, but there’s some big “secret” about his identity that we dare not ruin.

He-Man’s got a lot of friends on his “good” side, who help him combat the “evil” Skeletor and various bad action figures, now on sale for $8.99 each! One of He-Man’s questionable powers is a form of super-breath, but okay. Although the series seemed to be set in a barbaric world with magic and swords, there’s also a lot of high-tech gadgets going around as well.

However, by 1987, the whole He-Man thing was a bit worn out (I, personally, could never get into the super-chunky toys), but filmmakers looking for a quick buck managed to pump out a live action film based on the series before the fad completely disappeared. It pretty much bombed on all levels, prompting filmmakers to turn the proposed sequel idea into a Jean-Claude Van Damme vehicle, Cyborg (no, really).

I think it’s brilliant in its failure and the sheer number of outrageous intersections that take place in this film. And that is why we now go through it…

Before anything else, I just need to be on the record as saying that “Dolph” is just a cool, cool name. I approve of any names derived by shortening friendly sea creatures’ titles to a manageable syllable; see also: “Peng”, “Porp”, and “Sting”. 0:33

We begin with Mildly Sinister Narration Guy, who quickly clues us in to our current locale: “At the center of the universe… at the border between the light and the dark… stands Castle Greyskull.” And also, in 2008, next to a brand new McDonald’s! Now serving 100,000,000 skulls and climbing. MSNG goes on to tell us that, no matter what our religious beliefs, that the Sorceress of Castle Greyskull is what really has been keeping the universe balanced and at peace.

[flips on the evening news] Yeah, you’ve been doing a GREAT job, Sorceress.

Apparently, MSNG intones, the Armies of Darkness (when not fighting Bruce Campbell) want Greyskull, because of Greyskull’s ambiguous Power™. This Power™ will imbue the recipients with the ability to be lord of the entire cosmos, and also use some fairly kinky Technicolor effects over the opening credits. Cue happy, Superman-plagiarized music by Mr. Bill Conti, who you might remember from other classic movie scores such as The Next Karate Kid (actually, ALL of the Karate Kids), many of the Rockys, and Spy Hard.

While you’re watching the nifty credits swoosh in and out, here’s some more mild trivia about the film’s director, Gary Goddard: other than doing this, his sole directorial experience, Goddard also had a teeny cameo in X-Men as a guy on the beach. I bet that’s all sorts of disappointing when you tell your kids that you’re in an X-Men film, and they’re like, “Oh! Who are you? Wolverine? Gambit? Juggernaut?” And you have to crush their dreams with, “…no. I’m ‘Guy on the Beach’. Number four.” 1:19

I would like to point out that there’s an actress here named “Christina Pickles”. You’d really hope that’s just a stage name, but what kind of hunger frenzy would induce “Pickles”? She’s the Sorceress, by the way. Sorceress Pickles. 1:42

Then, for no reason, the credits explode. 2:38

We begin our tale on the planet of Eternia (remember, located at the exact center of the universe, where the Enterprise is trying to meet God in Star Trek V. Eternia looks not just a bit like a California desert with a matte painting of Castle Greyskull in the background, which we will all write off as coincidence and a tax shelter. Actually, forget that snarky comment about the locale, I wish to instead transfer my ire (deliciously fun ire, at that) to how much this film starts — and continues on unabashedly — as a pure rip-off of Star Wars. Earth-toned “Rebels” are being rounded up by black helmeted troopers, perhaps of the storm variety. We abruptly cut to a hall where an evil figure in black robes marches between an honor guard, all to a very good imitation of John William’s score. I jest ye not.

Ah, ’tis Skeletor, fresh from his vacation in Paraguay! Skeletor boasts an impressive array of Hot Topic accessories, including skull makeup (the black makeup on his nose tries to make it seem like he has a hole there, which is slightly defeated by any shot in profile), a comfortable hood, and a big honking staff with a ram’s skull at the end of it. He marches and thumps his staff impressively. The shot widens to reveal the throne room of Greyskull, which comes complete with idling lackeys standing about, imposing statues, and yawning abysses everywhere. I don’t see any guardrails, either. This all, of course, looks absolutely nothing like any Star Destroyer/Death Star bridge. Except that it does.

I made this point in my review, but here I go again: Castle Greyskull just goes with an evil lord like peanut butter with evil jelly. Why do the good guys want this place so much? There are skulls everywhere, not to mention the Pit of Eternal Torture and All-You-Can-Eat Salad Bar. You’d think a good guy fortress would be festooned with lilies, a genial old lady cooking bread in a kitchen located right off the throne room, overlooking a peaceful lake where mermaids frolic.

Skeletor shows us right off the bat his two biggest personality traits. He’s a jerk toward his subordinates, and he loves making long, evil, megalomaniac speeches. “Report, Evil-Lyn,” he says, not pausing one whit before barking, “SPEAK!”

The bad guys are having a good day. They have captured the castle, the city, the planet, several moons, a couple gaseous anomalies, and a doddering senior citizen named Ted. Skelly is not happy; Skelly wants He-Man, leader of the resistance and all-around hunk of a guy, to kneel at his feet. We’ll get into all this homoerotic fantasy stuff later, I assure you. There’s whipping involved. Seriously.

Evil-Lyn is happy that they got the castle, which hopefully comes with a mirror so she can scrape off about two pounds of that gunk that she calls makeup. “The castle is ours!” she crows. “NO!” Skelly shouts. “It’s mine!” Yeah. Way to go to inspire the employees of darkness, there. They do all the work, and you just decay a little in luxury. Unfortunately, for all his conquests, Skelly has yet to receive the Power™ of Greyskull, which requires an absolutely absurd amount of scavenger hunting to accomplish. Just wait and see. He walks over to interrogate the Sorceress, who clashes a bit with the midnight theme by daring to show up in a virginal white dress and a starburst headpiece. Since Skelly’s already been a jerk today, he’s gotta switch to his other mode: dull speechmaking.

“I’ve won! I’ve won! The darkness is rising… to embrace you,” he taunts Pickles. The Sorceress stands there with a stupid grin on her face, saying that he hasn’t won because Frodo, I mean He-Man, is still alive. “I can FEEL it,” she beams, clutching her hands to her womb. Well, if you can feel it, then okey-dokey. All is well. Skelly doesn’t like backtalk, so he blasts Pickles with a milky white beam of drowsiness; Pickles gasps a bit and nods off, snoring a bit. Evil-Lyn is happy at this. She reminds me of those girls who have a boyfriend who doesn’t even really like her that much, but she’s too in love to see it and she spends all her days toadying up to him in a vain attempt to gain a scrap of affection. 4:45

“Activate the Holosphere!” Skelly commands. This is something I’ve always found odd about the Masters of the Universe universe: it straddles a weird line between Dark Ages décor (torches, swords, castles) and futuristic wonders (ray guns, hoverships, holospheres). Also, it’s the “in thing” to either wear a crapload of gaudy jewelry, or else be mostly naked for all to see your man-chest. The holosphere activates presumably hundreds of external platforms, where the captured rebels and the stormtroopers witness a blurry resolution of Skelly’s head going off about being the champions my friends, and he’ll keep on fighting ’till the end. But what is this? This dashing figure that stands defiantly on a hilltop, clutching a giant letter opener, cape swirling in the wind? It’s HE-MAN! Cue audience cheering! Cue confetti! Cue cuties! Skelly finishes his demonic speech, and He-Man turns around, his bare He-Nipples angry at Skelly’s imposition. 5:24

Another shot of the stormtroopers hauling away the defeated rebels. I actually like how these shots look; they give you a clear and vivid aftermath of an event we haven’t seen, but we can easily guess at. He-Man leaps into the middle of a supply column of troopers and goes all wonky on them — slashing with his He-Sword and degenerating into a series of dull close-ups of swords and laser bolts and grunting expressions. I can’t help but notice that he takes FAR more troopers out with his laser rifle (which shoots beams that go, tops, 15 miles per hour) than with his gigantic sword.

After a bit, he gets fancy and starts deflecting the laser beams with his lightsaber back to the users. Too bad the good guys aren’t wearing suits of pure aluminum foil, eh? The battle ends, and knownst to He-Man but unknownst to us, Man-At-Arms and Teela have been helping him. They all look pleasantly surprised to see each other (lots of “Thank the Sorceress you’re alive!”). Man-At-Arms is a pseudo-commando guy who wears a lot of science fiction armor that would look perfect on an eight year-old, but not so much on this guy who’s seen 48 turns of the galaxy. Teela… well, let’s just say she looks perfect for an ’80s movie: lots of spandex and headbands and wild, untamed hair. He-Man goes for the full body hug with Teela, while Man-At-Arms gets the consolation prize of a head pat. There’s some talk about how bad the battle for Greyskull was, which sounds quite expensive and thank the Sorceress that the audience has an imagination to fill in the gaps. “Someone betrayed us,” Teela postulates.

“Help, help!” an annoying, high-pitched voice says from a net on the road. Teela wants to shoot it, and I give her my full blessing. Although I do question whether she’s in the habit of often shooting defenseless critters entrapped by nets. It was a different time, in 1987. Anyway, it’s your “friend” and mine, Gwildor. Gwildor is the SAG-standard annoying little creature with a big mouth that comes standard in most all fantasy flicks. Nobody likes him, nobody wants him, but he’s there because some studio executive out there thought their little girl would emotionally connect with a tiny on-screen troll. Gwildor has decent makeup, looking a bit like a leprechaun, although the suit is so stiff that his mouth barely moves when he talks. He introduces himself as an inventor and nitwit, saying that Skelly’s forces were hunting him down. Again, they have my blessing.

Man-At-Arms utters these words of doom, “Any enemy of Skeletor is a friend of ours.” Um, hold on a minute with that thought. You don’t know what you’re getting into. Befriend one Gwildor today, and tomorrow you’ll have a full-fledged infestation of them in your basement. Just wait and see. “Now, why are you so important to Skeletor?” He-Man says, his mouth almost as stiff as Gwildor. Now, as much as I’d like to dump on Dolph for his poor, stilted speech, I’m afraid to do so — the man holds a third-degree black belt in karate, and actually has a masters in chemical engineering. He could kick my face off, then melt it with base acids. 7:35

Time for a random fact: Gwildor is played by little person actor Billy Barty, who was the little person cameraman from UHF and a stand-in for hobbits when they did the rotoscoped Lord of the Rings cartoon. Another random fact: Barty was 63 when he filmed this!

Gwildor takes them back to his hobbit hole, and the threesome enter, all with their weapons drawn. Smart guys. The troll shows the good guys the whole reason for Skelly’s smackdown on Gwildor — the dumbest looking invention of all time, the “Cosmic Key”. As a plot device, it’s a shaky one. The Cosmic Key is a two-foot mechanical pillar of sorts with a lot of tuning forks pointing out of the sides, and will be mentioned in the rest of this film at the running rate of two times per minute. Apparently, it’s better than sex and chocolate combined, and Skelly’s not gotten either in a long, long time. Gwildor turns it on, and the tuning forks spin, making it look like those machines you’d use to unclog drains. He explains that the tones it makes — yes, those overbearing synthesizer tones you’re listening to in the background — can open a doorway to anywhere. Anywhere. Lots of technical babble. But, doorway to anywhere. The Key is how Skeletor got into Greyskull in the first place, which makes Gwildor the betrayer and deserving of a long and quite painful death. Teela calls him a “little worm,” which is a good start to the process, but He-Man interrupts.

Now, follow along, because this plot device isn’t without a few complications. Gwildor apparently got hoodwinked into giving the key over to Evil-Lyn, which is now in Skelly’s hot little hands, but Gwildor has this prototype backup key. Sure, they COULD use it to get back into the castle behind Skelly’s back, but some more technobabble cancels this out – Skelly’s key would intercept the other key and surprise would be lost. Happily, before my brain can explode from too many people talking about keys, the bad guys show up to attack. 10:25

The bad guys, complete with one action figure-deserving character who we’ll be formally introduced to in a bit, march up to the door and start to “ionize” it. I’m not sure what that means, but it gives the animation team some practice is drawing red lines and glowing boxes. Meanwhile, Gwildor reveals a secret passage that runs under Castle Greyskull — that’s right, under it. They have a secret backdoor into the castle that they could’ve used at any time so far. Too bad Skelly needed to go through the whole deception for a key, huh? They dash into it, and Gwildor channels the whole Bilbo Baggins “I don’t LIKE adventures!” The bad guys come in, all disappointed, and start tearing the place a new one. Then, just because the director liked how it looked, we cut away for another quick shot of the stormtroopers rounding up the same rebels from Scene Three. 11:19

While you might be boggling over why Gwildor would have some sort of back entrance to Castle Greyskull conveniently located in his home, it’s a lot easier to swallow once you realize that this movie has such a tight budget for Eternia sets that we’re just lucky they didn’t film Castle Greyskull in a Burger King bathroom, with Skeletor sitting on his “throne” beside a sign urging employees to wash their hands before returning to work. Of COURSE the tunnel had to go into the Castle!

And so, there they are. The stealthiest commando team in the universe, comprising of a troll, a senior citizen playing Soldier, a secondary character from Flashdance, and a partial nudist with a large plastic sword. Naturally, they all but shoot off fireworks to announce their arrival. They spot the Sorceress, suspiciously standing still, declare that it’s “too quiet”, and charge in recklessly anyway. I’m sure that Jabba the Hutt isn’t hiding behind the curtain, waiting for them to defrost Han or anything.

Random observation: He-Man’s superfluous Superman cape sags in the middle in the back – it’s just attacked to his shoulders, but the middle sags enough to expose his upper back. This has the effect of looking more like He-Man just got out of bed and wrapped himself up in his silk blanky.

So, back to our heroes rushing into the obvious trap. They get to the Sorceress, who urges them to leave, but Duncan (hey, it’s easier than typing out Man-At-Arms all the time) gasps and says that they’ll never leave without her. Ohhh… I just got it. Duncan realizes that the Sorceress is the only female in the movie in his age range… only opportunity for a little after-battle lovin’… and he’s not going to let this go without a fight. Good luck, pardner. The good guys bully Gwildor into using the omnipotent Key to let her go, which means we suffer through some moments of the troll bashing the Key’s keypad and spouting off more technobabble. Meanwhile, the Sorceress says that she can withstand Skelly’s power drain “until moonrise, until the Great Eye opens on the universe.” We have no idea what the Great Eye is, but it might be a second cousin to the Great Liver. This is apparently important, and will play in later to Skelly’s whole scheme to get Da Powah™.

The bad guys return from their OSHA-mandated lunch break, much to the consternation of the good guys. Evil-Lyn strolls in, along with 30 of her best troops. Vastly outnumbered, with only a fraction of a moment to launch a surprise attack, the good guys remain perfectly still and let the enemy set up their attack formations and surround them completely. Skelly smirks, “Everything comes to he who waits.” He’s so, like, philosophical. He-Man makes strange and somewhat suggestive eyes at Skelly (no, really) and pouts, “Let her go.” He’s Moses 2.0! Skelly doesn’t comply, and goes off on a whole expositional tangent: Sorceress gives him energy, moon rises, Great Eye opens, Skelly gets Power™. Yeah, we get it. Then comes the absolute best line of the movie:

Duncan: You dare threaten her life?
Skeletor: I DARE ANYTHING!

A good comedy director would, upon hearing this line, instruct the good guys to pause, look at each other, and start snickering loudly. Skeletor would be all, “What? WHAT? What are you guys laughing at!” And then He-Man, with his impeccable sense of timing, would say, “We laugh ANYTHING!” and the heroes would really lose it and start rolling around on the ground, hooting until they cried. No, this doesn’t happen. Curses.

More cute flirting between Skelly and He-Man. Skelly wants the good guys to throw down their weapons (yeah right), and He-Man says, “It’s not them you want. It’s me. Always me.” I’m sensing unrequited love on Skeletor’s part; can a half-corpse truly love a mountain of oily muscles? Maybe so. Maybe. Evil-Lyn looks upset – she wishes Skelly wanted her as much as he does this big lunk – and Skeletor summons the whole of his acting prowess to silence He-Man. “SILENCE!” he screams.

Evil-Lyn spots Gwildor’s key, and much battle ensues. Quick question: if the bad guys already have a key, and the good guys already know a back way into the castle, why do the bad guys want the second key so… badly? Back to the battle, the stormtroopers are mowed down, all the while shooting ineffectively at posts, columns and random acts of furniture. Skelly looks a bit lost in the background, like he doesn’t know what exactly to do, but he does know that if he leaves to go to the bathroom, it might be demoralizing to the troops. Our heroes seem concerned to egress the castle, although the enemy troopers aren’t really any threat, and there’s a free buffet after the fight for all those involved. Duncan badgers Gwildor, who’s been punching buttons for about ten minutes now with no noticeable accomplishment, into getting the key going and to take them out of there, “Anywhere!” Nifty special effects happen, and a portal is opened. Time to kick the tires and light the fires!

Well, if He-Poopy Pants didn’t start dragging his heels, “No! I won’t leave her!” “Her” most likely being the Sorceress and not Skeletor, who admittedly does have his drama queen days. He-Man? Yeah, if this was the cartoon, I could see you wanting to stick around to save the Sorceress. She was pretty hot. Pickles, on the other hand, looks like your best friend’s mom who recently welded a chandelier onto her skull. Not as hot. Just thank your blessings and go. The good guys pause long enough to kill another 15 troopers or so, who have yet to hit anything resembling human flesh. Skeletor looks dismayed, but still isn’t doing a heck of a lot, other than yelling “Stop him! He’s my precious! My pretty little pony! My Rainbow Brite of joy! My Strawberry Shortcake of happiness!” Well, maybe the first two words of that. I tend to ad-lib.

As the heroes dive into the portal, you’ll be interested to note that the incoming laser beams actually bend and are diverted by the hole (instead of being sucked into it, which is what I assumed would’ve happened). Gwildor’s key gets shot, he drops it, He-Man grabs the troll and they dive into the portal. Two stormtroopers do a running dive for the key, but a grappling hook shoots out of the portal, snags the key and retrieves it. Yes, because when you’re using an interdimensional portal to travel between worlds, you have a lot of time to pull out a grappling hook, turn around, and fire it blindly back from whence you came. Skeletor is understandably upset. He tells Evil-Lyn to “monitor the frequencies” to see if the key will be used again. So… just asking here, but what sort of equipment do you have that can monitor Cosmic Keys from anywhere in the universe and through all dimensions? And does it get cable? 16:44

And thus our heroes — and this film’s limited budget — find themselves on cheap, affordable Earth and all of its shooting locations. Gwildor lands in the mud, head first. Duncan and Teela laugh at him, for which I’m eternally grateful. Gwildor starts whining about suffocating, at which Teela rebukes him and takes up a handful of mud (!) and smells it and starts rubbing it on her hand (!!). I guess she wants to prove that mud is not harmful. Through all this, He-Man is on his haunches, in “thoughtful, concerned psychiatrist” mode. He truly cares. Gwildor holds his nose and blows water all over the other three through his ears, like a whale with two blowholes. The heroes sort of laugh this off, which was probably mandated by the producers who wrote the cast notes like, “You MUST find Gwildor very, very funny at anything he does, because the kids only come for Gwildor. And some half-naked erotic whipping, but we’ll talk about that later.”

He-Man good-naturedly asks Gwildor where they are, but you just know that he’s about two minutes away from pulling out the troll’s fingernails to extract (heh) a confession. Gwildor has no idea; the portal could’ve dumped them on any planet in any galaxy. Guess it’s good they struck the planetary jackpot instead of being thrown onto a liquid metal surface of a planet with gas that would sear their internal organs within a few seconds, huh? At this point, they realize they lost the key in the fall. He-Man reads from his script: “Perimeter search, each of us take a sector!” I’m not sure he knows the meaning of many of those words. Then Duncan senses an incoming “alien” life form, stands up stealthily to scan it loudly, and the big joke reveal is that it’s a cow. Yup, Mr. Moo, wandering the woods, all by his lonesome. Let me ask you this, when’s the last time you just randomly encountered a cow? Gwildor starts mooing back at it, in an attempt to communicate. HA — you find him funny.

“What are we going to do?” Duncan asks. I thought you guys were searching the perimeter by sectors, but maybe that got boring for the 0.1 seconds you spent doing it. He-Man goes into a lengthy (for him) speech that they must find the key, get back, rescue the Sorceress, watch “Seinfeld” reruns, and do laundry. I think the filmmakers kept assuming that their key audience would lose track of this elaborate plot after a minute or so, and hence the numerous recaps. Duncan, not sarcastically, calls Skeletor’s minions “crack troops”. Maybe because their pants hang so low? Anyway, the heroes split up to search, with a fruity wave of a hand and “Good Journey”. Teela heads to the mall. 20:09

Switch scene to Robby’s Ribs ‘n’ Chicken, understandably the hottest spot in this one-stoplight town. We are immediately yanked inside to be subjected to… Courtney Cox! And the Coxateers! In her pre-Friends, pre-Scream salad days, Courtney is on fire with a smile of joy and a head full of poofy hair. Now, I have many issues with the Friends phenomenon, not the least of which is how often my wife makes me watch it with her, but I’d say the third most irritating character was Monica. Yes, I’d love all of my friends to be anal mothers-in-training, but we just can’t be that lucky.

Courtney Cox IS Julie, a fast food server on her last day of the job. After completing an order, she turns to her friend (who looks so startlingly like Linda Hamilton from The Terminator that I actually had to look up the cast list), and wistfully moans that she’s gonna actually miss sprinkling French fries with salt and cleaning up ketchup-related pant stains. Behind her, some vastly cool dude is playing Ms. Pac-Man. I rock at that game. Julie’s friend consoles her that they have fast food in Jersey. Jersey? As in, New? I honestly didn’t realize people immigrated to NJ, which I always envision as a sinking, exploding, haunted ship filled with millions of rats desperately seeking escape. No, I really didn’t just compare all NJ residents to rats, it was just a metaphor for their plight. My point is, Julie is screwed. Julie’s friend makes a big deal out of giving her a going away present, which turns out to be a silly little piece of “don’t break up with that cute guy you’re going out with” advice. Yeah, how much did that cost ya? It’s the thought that counts, my patootie.

Obviously, this is a hastily-packed exposition scene. Julie’s leaving town, Julie’s leaving her boyfriend, Julie’s changing her clothes three feet away from the customers. Um, what? I’ve personally worked at many fast food joints, and I don’t remember a special changing room that was located off the kitchen behind a swinging saloon-style door. Heck, I’d certainly miss working at this place if I left! Julie goes on about getting “3000 miles away and starting fresh”. We’re not quite sure why she’s leaving, but again, New Jersey? I don’t think they’ve had anything fresh there since 1642. 21:28

Julie boards Kevin’s shuttlecraft, a statement which would’ve been at least mildly funny had I pre-established that Kevin is played by Star Trek Voyager’s Robert Duncan McNeill. Now, you just hate me a little. For a couple on the verge of breaking up, they both seem pretty chipper; he’s mostly concerned with her coming to his sound check, and she’s got a big ol’ bucket of ribs on her lap. They drive off to the cemetery, so Julie can say goodbye to her parents. Now, either her parents work at a cemetery for a living, or Julie’s about to engage in an exercise of extreme redundancy. “Goodbye… again. Sort of. Going off to Jersey. As in ‘New’. Maybe land myself a rent-controlled apartment and have five other people constantly flitting in and out of my life.”

After they leave, Teela is seen lurking in the bushes with her gun drawn. She walks up behind Duncan, who draws his gun in a huff. “You’re not supposed to be in my sector!” he pouts. MOM! He’s IN MY SECTOR! Duncan wants food. Gwildor wants food and shoots his grappling gun to hook a bucket of ribs from the backseat of a convertible, where a couple is making out. These are the heroes entrusted to save the universe, by the way, putting their mission on pause to grab some fast food. After a couple bites, Duncan lets it out that they’re all being carnivores, which for some reason really disgusts Teela and Gwildor. Guess Eternia is vegan. Duncan is phased not in the least. Teela scoffs at Earth being “barbaric”, which is ironic considering that she follows a guy who has not just a slight bit of resemblance to Conan. They return to their sectors. What the hell is a sector? 24:32

Cemetery. Julie is all weepy, upset that it’s their fault her parents died in a plane crash. Was she piloting? The flight attendant? Tower control? Nay, she just upset their schedules so that they took the fatal flight. Julie wishes that she could “change things”, but Kevin squashes that with an ironic “that only happens in fairy tales.” Dude, I’m feeling a MAJOR Care Bear shine coming on here! On their way out of the cemetery, they find the Cosmic Key. Julie’s somewhat excited, but Kevin just about goes bananas over it, thinking that it’s a Japanese synthesizer. 26:30

Eternia. Skeletor sits on his throne, hugging his own Key, thinking of writing yet another epic love sonnet to his one true love, entitled “If you had me, you wouldn’t need to wrap a cape around your shoulders no more”. Evil-Lyn informs Darth Pouty that they’ve found the signal, and is ordered to prepare an advance team to go in. 27:04

Blending in perfectly, a half-naked caped He-Man rushes through the town with laser gun drawn. He might as well have a car following him with loudspeakers continually blaring “NOT FROM AROUND HERE, IS HE?” Meanwhile, Batman and Robin… er, Kevin and Julie are hanging out at their school’s gym, which displays a banner for “Around the World Fantasy”. Which is, I assume, either a dance or a poorly-named band. Perhaps an adult video audition room. I’m just embarrassed I’ve typed more than ten pages of this stuff, and I’m not even a half-hour into the movie.

Julie is looking around hesitantly, as if hearing the audience asking her, “Weren’t you LEAVING already?” and she has no good answer. Kevin plays some bad synth. Whatever happened to synth players? Kevin hooks the Cosmic Key up to an amp (?) which makes it display little holographic doodles. Julie is so stinkin’ impressed. But apparently “amping” the key makes it easier for the bad guys in the Death Star to track them down, so not a good move there. “Excellent,” Evil-Lyn smirks. Wait a minute for Doctor Bring-Down! “You are too easily pleased,” Skelly moans. “Do you forget time is of the essence?” Again, why? They have a Key, they have the Sorceress and the castle, what more do they need? Taco Bell? Evil-Lyn shows off the mercenary expeditionary force heading for earth: Blade (whose outfit puts the Shredder to shame), Zarod (standard lizard-in-helmet guy), The Beastman (whose name really is Gerald), and… wait for it… Karg. Karg is my favorite, because he boasts a truly spectacular mane of white hair, of such stature that it would make most ’80s hair metal guitarists weep in shame. Karg’s hair also resembles my grandmother’s. “Hmm,” Skelly ad-libs. “A curious quartet.” I don’t know why, but the way he says this is disgustingly funny. Skelly preps the group with another talk, and then gives the casual order, “Open the door. Do not fail me!” I bet he says this at drive-thrus: “Cheeseburger Happy Meal. Do not fail me!” 29:44

Back in the gym, Kevin’s gone all gaga over the Key. He leaves and Julie stays behind to absorb the atmosphere of the gym, because she’s leaving before graduation. No, don’t ask WHY again. It’s getting old. She looks wistfully at a locket with her parents inside (they apparently give those out, standard, at funeral homes as a freebie if both your parents die in a plane crash that is somehow your fault). Alas! A portal opens up and Blade comes through with several stormtroopers. Julie is alarmed, but not quite as much as we’d expect for the first witness of a planetary invasion. She walks forward (!) and calls out “Carl?” The Beastman jumps out of the portal. Not Carl. The school janitor gets beat up, the first and last victory these bad guys will ever see. Julie gets shot at a bit, but a wall of amps shields her from excessive sunburn. In this scene we also see that Karg is wearing a white furry shawl – no, I am not kidding. Shawl. Loads of rampaging, chasing, screaming and Pepsi product placement follows. Julie chucks a convenient bottle of ammonia into The Beastman’s face (sizzle). He does not immediately flush his eyes out as my chemistry teacher instructed. It’s interesting to note that here, Blade goes all-out homicidal in his efforts to “capture” Julie, including chopping through a stage and launching wrist-darts into a door. But really, nothing beats good ol’ Karg, who now sports a nifty Captain Hook hook on the end of his left arm. The camera takes a few seconds to show the gym burning. No graduation for you! 33:01

Not that this is surreal or anything, but He-Man is still jogging around suburbia, holding out a little gadget and certainly not looking like someone casing out homes to break into and slaughter every living resident within. He hears Julie calling for help; Julie, who is on the run, makes a poor choice to enter a suburban junkyard (hm). Blade enthusiastically cuts the chain link fence in twain, his purpose in life revealed: fences must die. Julie goes on to run into the heavy, oil-slicked arms of He-Man, who tries to calm her with his soft, lilting voice. “Don’t be afraid, I won’t hurt you,” he says. Yeah. Until he slurps your brain through your nostril, but that’s only common sense. Julie spazzes out and he hugs her tenderly, a key signature of any action sequence. It worked for Star Wars, it can work here. Even though she is fully capable of walking by herself, He-Man hoists Julie into his arms and bears her away, perhaps to a romance novel cover shoot. He-Man uses his He-Ears to pinpoint the bad guys, who are bellowing as if in a third grade production of Annie. He gives his laser pistol to Julie and darts off (hint to He-Man: just because you have a cape, doesn’t mean you can fly).

This would be the scene where He-Man stomps all over the meanie mercenaries without giving them even a hint of a chance. I notice lots of barrels marked “gasoline” lying around, and also the laser blasts flying. My mind tries to ignore this. Beastman gets elbowed in the face, which is probably not just a bit tender at this point. After a lot of grunts and swordplay, Duncan and Teela show up (I’m telling on them, they’re not in their sectors) and provide little-needed support. “RETREAT!” Karg cries, on his way back to COBRA command. They shoot the only remaining fence standing. While hugging Julie some more, He-Man motions the other two to follow the bad guys. More hugging. I think Julie moans at some point. “You’re safe,” He-Man whispers, his mighty hands kneading at her shoulders. “You’re safe. Do you understand?” Dude, she’s a teenager, not a skittish kitty cat. Yet more hugging. This is so wrong. 36:55

Kevin brings the Key to the hip music shop, where he and the clerk fawn all over the thing. It’s a pointless scene, except to get everyone to this shop for a big action set piece later. They see the cop cars racing down the street and use the store’s scanner to hear that the gym is burning. It takes about forty-five seconds for a connection to form in Kevin’s brain. The gym is burning. Julie is in the gym. The gym is burning. Who’s in the gym? Why, it’s Julie. His Julie. In the gym. The gym that is burning. With Julie in it.

JULIE IS IN THE BURNING GYM!

He dashes off. Weenie man in his weenie car, away! 38:59

He-Man and Julie are still hunkered down in the junkyard, He-Man trying to work up the courage to ask her to the dance, and Julie just trying not to get grossed out over his oily loincloth. He-Man holds his hands about two feet apart and says, “It’s about this large.” Okay, he’s talking about the Key, but I like taking stuff like that out of context. Julie spills that Kevin has the Key, even though it’s TOTALLY over between them both. 39:21

At the burning gym. The cops are not doing a great job keeping people away from the scene. Kevin interrogates the hurt janitor on the stretcher but doesn’t get a lot out of the mostly unconscious man. Wonder why. It’s here that Kevin butts into Detective Lubic, masterfully played by bald actor James Tolkan (Mr. Strickland in Back to the Future and Stinger in Top Gun). Neither Kevin nor Lubic are being helpful to each other, but I’m just hypnotized by Lubic’s scalp. So… shiny. Bad acting galore, as my ears tune in to the two snipping at each other like an old married couple. Gah. Before you know it, I’ll have invented a whole new category of internet slash fanfic, and I’ll have to carry that knowledge with me to my grave. Lubic throws Kevin in his car with no good explanation, and off they go! 41:13

The aftermath of the Epic Junkyard Massacre of ’87. If you placed good money that He-Man is still touching Julie — inappropriately — then it’s time to collect on that bet. He’s even wrapped his He-Cape around her, so now she looks even more like she just came out of the bedroom after… after they… Okay, it’s time to cleanse my mind of these thoughts. I’m reading far too much into this. PUT SOME DAMN PANTS ON, HE-MAN! They catch up with Duncan (who has his yellow visor down, which is certainly not dorky) and Teela, with the following exchange:

He-Man: Did you have any luck?
Teela: [looking at Julie] Not as much as you, apparently.
[He-Man looks to Julie and then back to the two, ashamed of his secret.]

Another little observation of the School of Bad Acting: bad actors, especially when playing well outside of normal roles, tend to jerk their heads up when saying ridiculous lines. In this scene, He-Man, Duncan and Teela all do this multiple times.

So it goes without saying that this awkward little interlude would be a perfect moment for a pink Caddy to come blasting through some boxes, driven by Gwildor and reckless insanity. Your wish is my command. Question one: who was stupid enough to leave Gwildor alone without heavy doses of duct tape applied all over his body? Question two: where does a dwarfish alien find a pink Cadillac to boost at 11:30pm on a school night? Question three: when did Gwildor find the time to retrofit his stolen car with power doors, turbo boosts and an engine that runs on, quote, “nutrinos”? Our heroes go rocketing away, the most hardcore Mary Kay conventioneers ever. 42:19

Back on Eternia, Skelly is sitting on his throne and fondling Evil-Lyn’s head. This is filmed at an angle that made me think her metallic skull cap was some sort of gizmo, perhaps a Magic-8 Ball. Skelly starts giving her a shoulder massage (seriously!). I’m really surprised this film got a mere PG rating. They talk a little bit about “breaking” He-Man, perhaps with a saddle and some of those spur thingies. Our failed expeditionary force returns and Karg starts making up some fiction about the good guys outnumbering them, a small “fact” which doesn’t hold up well to the much-witnessed observation of only four heroes entering the portal earlier. Skelly does not take the news of He-Man’s continued existence well — he singles out lizard-man for instant extermination via animation, which more or less freaks the survivors out. Blade holds up his hands in a hilarious defense, and Beastman starts slobbering tears on Skelly’s robes. Lots of begging, and Skelly’s loving it all because it gives him an opportunity to be a jerk… well, even more than before, I suppose. “It would be a pity to waste their talents,” Evil-Lyn smirks. Talents? Like fence-slicing and janitor-smacking? “SAVE your pity for YOURSELF!” Skelly growls, shoving (!) Evil-Lyn down with the rest of the losers. He gives her the same mission, just with more troops, yet still holding back from the going all in. Evil-Lyn looks pretty upset to be forced away from her honeymuffin, but what can she do? Love stinks. 45:08

At this juncture of time during a crazy night, Lubic and Kevin pull up to Julie’s house, which has a real estate “SOLD” sign out front. This little detail made me pause and reflect on the whole “Julie leaving town” subplot, which is hyped during the start of the film, but really never followed through or explained very well. We assume, from Julie’s short-yet-not-too-broken-up speech, that her parents’ deaths in a plane crash is the main motivating force in getting her to leave town and move to Jersey. As in, New. It’s not explained how long ago Julie’s parents died, but from this shot, can we assume that this high schooler’s been living alone in her parents’ house with no real supervision for some time now? She was working at the rib joint, so can we also assume that she wasn’t left any real money in the will or from insurance? Because I can’t understand why you’d keep serving ribs on roller skates if you had a cool $2 mil sitting in the bank. This is just a weird subplot that will get at least three shades weirder by the movie’s end.

Toting the Cosmic Key inside, Kevin answers Julie’s phone while Lubic watches on. Hey! It’s Julie on the other line! Guess she’s not a charred corpse under some bleacher, after all! For some reason, Kevin hides the fact that he’s talking to Julie by cleverly disguising his end of the conversation while Courtney Cox goes into conniptions. “No, Julie’s not here now.” “Kevin, it’s MEEEE!” Julie then tells Kevin that the whole freak show will be crashing at her pad, and he should lay out some beer and chips so they could see what Gwildor looks like when he’s fully loaded. Lubic starts messing around with the “synthesizer”, oddly smashing the keys with his knuckles instead of his fingertips. Ape-man. The bad music makes him happy. 47:05

Because a full-fledged sword-and-laser gun fight at the O.K. Junkyard surely wouldn’t have attracted any police or bystanders, Evil-Lyn and about a hundred minimum-wage shock troops feel free to mill around the area. You might note that they now have a hovercraft, which is double-parked. Evil-Lyn uses one of those newfangled “scanners” to actually see back in time to when He-Man is kicking the tar out of Karg and his cronies. Where can I get one of those wonderful toys? Karg is caught in his lie. D’oh.

The bad guys lock on to the key, which Lubic is pounding on as if daring it to give him little jolts of sensuous pleasure. He activates the holographic function, which is kinda funny because Lubic pretty much looks everywhere BUT where the hologram is playing and is wowed by the nothingness. Great acting, pal. Kevin heats up some old food in the microwave, which the bad guys then blow up by remote because it interferes with the signal from the Key. At this point, one might wonder why a police detective investigating arson is just sort of hanging out at a teenager’s house, “investigating” some warmed-up leftovers, but your head might explode if you question this film too much. Lubic abruptly gets gruff with Kevin, shoving him and demanding answers about the Key. Kevin folds like a table of that variety, and after getting valuable information such as “I don’t know WHAT it is!” and “I found it in a cemetery!”, Lubic speeds off with the device. No sex for Kevin tonight. From Julie. For losing the device. Why do I feel the need to explain my jokes? 50:12

As the Mary Kay-mobile and the Hovercraft of Doom race toward Julie’s house, Kevin takes this suspenseful moment for a well-timed Burger King product placement. He carefully puts two BK containers, a BK cup and three perfect oranges (?) into the sink (??) while wiping down a counter holding a very dead plant (???). Then, the kitchen door explodes. After the microwave and now this, I’d be of a mind to give up on this particular cleaning project. Beastman and other assorted action figures charge in, to face the Wrath of Kevin, which is to say a whiney “Get out of here! Get out of here!” It doesn’t work. He gets a face full of table, and is spared Beastman’s fist by Evil-Lyn, who is impersonating the Pope’s hand gesture of blessing. Blade puts “The Collar” on Kevin, which is a cue for Kevin to start acting mind controlled (step one: gaping mouth, step two: bug eyes). He also gets a really cool electronic reverb for his voice. Meanwhile, Karg and company are utterly trashing Julie’s home and her parents’ sentimental remains. Karg even goes medieval on a wicker basket and finds a newspaper clipping about Julie’s parents’ deaths. That seems a little macabre for a daughter to keep around, but okay. It tips Karg off about Julie, but doesn’t really give them any added information. They all march outside, where dozens of soldiers and a large honkin’ hovercraft are crushing the neighbor’s daisies. Nobody wakes up or complains about the noise, however. There’s about a two minute sequence of everyone boarding the hovercraft, swishing capes and marching by steam vents. Even bad guys need their jollies. 53:06

Right as the hovercraft leaves, the Pink Power Ranger Car arrives on the scene. There’s a hilarious moment of He-Man, Teela and Duncan rushing inside the house, not wiping their feet, and spreading out with laser pistols. To think that this might’ve been shot in the director’s parents’ home is not outside the realm of possibility. Kevin and Kevin’s new jewelry is found, and instead of helping to get off the collar, He-Man interrogates the scarred teenager in a slow, condescending voice. Julie freaks out about the collar, which Duncan helpfully informs us is “The Collar of Aldruber”. I had to look up the subtitles for that little treat. And to think that I acquired the Q-Tip of Aldruber last week. I’m rich!

Duncan finally removes Kevin’s collar, and he repays their kindness by completely flipping out at He-Man, thinking they’re the enemy. Kevin learns from his past mistakes of combat and this time supplies himself with something that can wound from more than words alone: a kitchen chair. Unfortunately, laser pistol > kitchen chair, which leaves Kevin disarmed and ashamed. Not mute, though; the director lets Kevin rant and rave for a few minutes, showing the extreme range of his thespian ability. Finally, as always, Gwildor shows up dressed in Julie’s dead mother’s clothes and hat (!). He-Man, Teela and Duncan laugh to remind us that we’re supposed to think this is funny too. Kevin’s head just explodes. “If we dress like this,” Gwildor pontificates, “no one will recognize us.” Kevin’s head explodes again. They take off to go back to the music store (all sets must be reused at least twice, per contract). 55:42

A very happy hovercraft blasts across the rooftops of suburbia, with the faint sounds of a sea shanty trailing behind.

Location: Charlie’s Music Store. Action: Lubic is interrogating Charlie as to the purpose of the Key. “Russian?” he asks Charlie, in all of Charlie’s wisdom and splendor. I very much wonder if Lubic had time to stop at this point and wonder why he’s effectively ignoring an ongoing arson and assault investigation to heckle a small-time music store owner about what appears to be the muffler of a Ford Pinto.

And even though they left far after the bad guys, and in a non-hoverable vehicle nonetheless, the good guys make it to the store first. Lubic is pleased and not put off a smidge by He-Man’s rampant nudity. By the way, He-Man with guitars in the background does not mix well. Because he’s about two feet shorter than the rest of the cast (loss of body hair), Lubic pulls out his tiny revolver and points it at the costume party. “Choice, really choice,” he says. He-Man seems to spend a lot of time telling people on Earth that he’s not their enemy, I notice. Duncan asks quite nicely for Lubic to hand over his pistol. Then Cross-Dressing Gwildor™ shows up and the prerequisite “What the hell is THAT?” leaps from Lubic’s lips. Kevin nods in pained empathy.

Oh nos! The bad guys are coming! Teela disarms Lubic with a karate kick (for shame, Lubic), and everyone sets up battle stations. Gwildor puts on tea. Duncan says, “He-Man! Point six-one chromons ’till moonrise!” and makes us really care about it. 57:25

The bad guys disembark and prepare to go medieval on Charlie’s establishment. We cut inside, where He-Man and Duncan have constructed a fort out of electronic keyboards and amplifiers. They have a little scuffle as to who’s name goes on the flag. “Fort He-Man!” “Fort Man-At-Arms!” “More like, Fort Stupid-At-Arms!” “Put some damn pants on, you cheeseball!” and so on. They finally settle on Fort Mans as a title.

“How do you feel?” He-Man non sequiturs. “I’m feeling a little hungry,” Duncan replies. These character building moments are what Masters of the Universe is ALL about!

In the back of the store, Gwildor is working “as fast as I can!”, which means that it’ll be a dramatic 10 minutes before he even gets Windows 98 up and running on that thing. There’s also some more nonsense about Kevin “not understanding” what’s going on and Lubic being a tool and Teela wondering if she should see her doctor about that burning, itching sensation she has between her gills.

The bad guys fan out in front of the store. Those drums are TOAST. Thus begins the battle, which consists of wave after wave of stormtroopers leaping through the window, and He-Man and Duncan blasting about one in six of them. It’s all levels of glorious to watch this place get blown to smithereens for no sensible reason. Music enthusiasts must’ve tossed their kittens after seeing how many thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of guitars and equipment were being destroyed here in the name of cinema. Duncan tosses what really appears to be a WWII potato masher grenade into a garbage can — Kablooey! He-Man’s going more with a dinky little laser pistol than his big Sword of Power, for reasons unknown to us.

Teela hands the revolver over to Kevin (?), orders him to guard Lubic and charges into the fray. “Woman-At-Arms!” she cries, and I really expected the soundtrack to go “Wahhh wahhhh” right then. Great. Now Fort Mans will have to install a second bathroom. In the back room, Lubic and Kevin scuffle over the gun, Kevin completely swayed over to the forces of all that is good and loony.

In the middle of this tense standoff, with the sounds of a massive battle in the next room, Julie takes a quiet moment to turn and gaze out of the window. She deserves a break. She does not, however, expect to see her dead mother walking down the back alley, but there you go. I guess Evil-Lyn found a good use for that photograph previously discovered in scene 19. Lubic lunges for Kevin and they fight over the gun, all dramatic-like, and Julie can’t be bothered to really care. Her mannish mother is out there, probably a rotting zombie, but probably baking cookies too! She’s so not concerned for Kevin that it’s touching.

Julie slips out of the store and runs up to mommy. Instead of just dropping the disguise and nabbing Julie, Evil-Lyn decides to mess with her head a bit, coming up with a “secret agent” story to explain their apparent plane crash demise. Julie buys it all, and gives Evil-Lyn a saucy hug. Maybe Evil-Lyn just needed a hug that day, and Skeletor wasn’t giving any, who knows. “Mother” tells Julie to go back into the store, grab the Key and bring it back out. Which certainly isn’t suspicious. “Julie, I know you thought we were dead and this is very traumatic for you and you have a million questions, but first, FETCH! Good girl!”

All of the back room players, Gwildor aside, are enjoying their rolling romp amid the musty carpet of Charlie’s office. Gwildor ends up with the gun, which is probably more scary than a dead mother resurrected, but Julie comes in and steals the Key anyway. She brings it back to “mother”, who might also be auditioning for “father”… egads, Evil-Lyn can’t pull off another woman’s look at all. Then and only then, after another hug, does Evil-Lyn drop her disguise and leave Julie twice-traumatized. “Nahh nahh, you thought your dead mommy was alive, ha ha, made you care!”

Mission accomplished and two hugs to boot, the bad guys vamoose and the good guys pursue. Many more cardboard boxes perish to bring you this excitement. Back at the store, Lubic declares an “invasion” and heckles poor Charlie for his store robbery gun. Do many music stores in the suburbs carry spare shotguns under the counter? Lubic charges after the stormtroopers, which does as much good as you think it would. 1:06:02

Evil-Lyn signals Skeletor that now that the danger is past and she has the Key, he can make his grand entrance down Andrews Street. In all fairness, it is a pretty impressive parade, with legions of troops stomping past Ace Hardware and a few bad guys floating in on – could it be? – HOVERBOARDS! Finally, Skeletor arrives in his bigger hovercraft, cradling Key #1 to his bosom. Yes, I said bosom and I’ll say it again. Bosom. Of course, no people seem to notice all this, which makes me wonder if this town would even pause at a nuclear explosion. Probably not.

Evil-Lyn is excited to make her “We didn’t fail you and got the Key!” report, but Skeletor, as is his idiom, looks to her inability to capture He-Man and squash her hopes and dreams. What a spaz. I adore him. He orders his “Air Centurians” to hover their way over to He-Man. They do a low fly-by and both good and bad exchange rounds. He-Man pegs one of the Centurians in his back, causing the man — NOT the machine he’s riding — to explode. Odd. Guess a PG rating doesn’t cover severed limbs and guts raining down from the sky. Lots more “come ON!” and “Hurry!” comments from the good guys. Because they’re being chased by Air Centurians and bad guys with hovercrafts, our heroes instinctively climb the stairs and go for the roof to make themselves better targets. He-Man kills another Centurian and leaps onto the hoverboard, which takes his ridiculous imagery to a completely new level.

Exposed, on the roof, Gwildor inquires as to the current location of He-Man. “THERE!” Kevin shouts joyously, as a complete fake and hokey-looking He-Man zooms by on the hoverboard. Steering with the little piggy that went to market AND the little piggy who stayed home, He-Man does a bit of ariel assault on Evil-Lyn’s forces and snags the Key with Gwildor’s grappler. Evil-Lyn declares that he “must not use that key”. Quick tip, Evil-Lyn: if He-Man and the Do-Gooders haven’t been able to use the Key yet, I think you’re probably safe. They’ve got a speed bump in the form of Gwildor with them. 1:10:55

More extreme hoverboarding between He-Man and a Centurian. He-Man gets a shot in his right bicep, which required serious medical attention, a 45-minute wait in the emergency room, stitches, cleaning, and the headache of insurance forms. Naw, not really. He just shrugs it off. He then flips upside-down, despite any footholds, and flies that way for a bit. He-Man: Defying gravity since 1987! I guess this is supposed to be the speeder chase rip-off from Return of the Jedi.

Although their roof strategy was sound, our heroes find themselves cleverly out-maneuvered by Skeletor and his pimped-out hovercraft. Duncan and Teela try for some quick blaster shots, but Darth Vader deflects them all with his magic force field. Did I say Darth Vader? Wow. My knack for subtle sarcasm astounds even me. “Throw down your weapons or you die!” Skeletor booms. He doesn’t even get to “your weapons” before Duncan is happily chucking his plasma shotgun onto the rooftop, while Teela gives him this look of “Grow some ‘nads there, Pop!” I think Duncan just likes complying in general. The good guys get surrounded (Duncan’s hands fly up, but only his), and Skeletor is all excited although nothing is actually happening, other than giving He-Man a few extra seconds to show up and save the day. Speaking of which…

He-Man follows the Centurian up over the roof and sees the crowd gathered. You can see his face go “Oh crap”, and Princess Leia shouts out “Luke! No! It’s a trap!” and the Emperor shoots out little purple electric bolts and George Lucas sues. Skeletor also fries Key #2, just because he can. He’s the Man. But not He-Man. He-Man yanks out his sword and breaks into kung fu fighting (those cats were fast as lightning). Duncan tries to join in, but Blade puts a knife to his throat and Duncan finds himself complying for the third time in as many seconds. It’s a weird fight; only about half the bad guys seem that interested in putting He-Man down, and the good guys don’t bother helping, knowing that this is the “temporary defeat” that must happen before the pieces can be set up for the final battle. Dolph just needs his exercise. Skeletor stops him by threatening his friends, and demands He-Man’s surrender and sword. They take He-Man away, but not before he does the fruity little “good journey” hand wave that they’ll explain in the movie a bit later. It doesn’t quite fit the moment, in the same way that if your friend was being taken up to the gallows and you gave them a little jaunty salute and wished them a happy trip. With his prizes intact, Skeletor shows an odd moment of softeness and lets the rest of the good guys go. “He-Man is my slave,” he muses. Um… happy birthday Skeletor? 1:16:13

New problem: Julie has leg rot from Skeletor’s lightning blast, which can only be cured on Eternia. This is more difficult than before, because the heroes only have Key #2, which is pretty much slag. But that’s okay; I saved a lot of money this month by switching to Geico. Duncan does the best he can for Julie, which is to say that he finds He-Man’s sweaty, discarded cape and covers her with it. A fine funeral shroud, it be. Kevin declares that Julie needs water and points out the fountain below. So, is he going to… like… chuck her off the building and watch her make a Courtney Cox-sized splash? We can hope, can’t we?

Meanwhile, Lubic and his crazy shotgun are leading a pack of disbelieving police officers who are, among other things, patrolling the “west parameter”.

Down at the fountain, the good guys yank out their first aid manuals for Julie. They expose her leg, which looks just disgusting. Sort of like chili. Kevin blinks back tears while Duncan puts a rag over it, so we don’t have to be grossed out any longer. Teela tries to tell Kevin what horrors Julie is in for before her innards turn into soup, but Duncan breaks in to say that only Pickles can save her now. Excuse me – for a man new to Earth and its wily ways, he seems to dismiss our entire medical system lightly.

At this moment of utter despair, when Kevin explores the entire range of his “sad” acting emotions, do we get one of the best scenes of the film: the Key Reconstruction Scene. Gwildor starts out by explaining to Kevin that “opening a dimensional door is relatively easy.” Um, you tell me, I guess. “But the tones stored in this Cosmic Key were completely erased!” Ding! As quick as you can say “token character trait”, Kevin’s eyes light up. He’s a musician, or so the film keeps telling us without showing us!

Kevin stands up and looks extremely constipated, trying to remember the tune. To help, Teela blows away the random external speaker that’s piping in muzak to the greater downtown area in the middle of the night. Seriously. He starts whistling a five-note song, which absolutely floors Gwildor – “How did you DO that?” What, remember five notes that the movie’s been bombarding us with since minute 15? I’m amazed the entire cast doesn’t keep whistling it subconsciously. It’s amazing what a 75 I.Q. can do these days. Ruining his impressive moment, Kevin then states that the ditty had a good “hook” and he was going to make it into one of his songs. Right. Because Kevin’s had a lot of time tonight to mull over his future musical masterpieces. Gwildor calls Kevin a “songmaker”, but Kevin starts being all self-depreciating and saying that he sucks (we agree, we agree), and he’s not going to try even though his girlfriend is dying right there on the bench. Julie dying, by the way, looks a lot like Courtney Cox taking a cozy nap. Gwildor has to give Kevin a pep talk that goes, in its entirety, “Only one of you, Kevin. Only one of anybody.” Why this impresses Kevin or makes even the least shred of sense, I’ll never know. But the film’s score seems to think so.

Now armed with the tunes – tunes, man! – Gwildor turns to fixing the Key. He needs a few things, namely a “bossonic tesseract” and an “octode rectifier”. Wouldn’t you know, TEELA has a bossonic tesseract strapped to her bicep for no good reason! And DUNCAN’S been stashing an octode rectifier for such an occasion! Also, Gwildor needs a keyboard, which Kevin pulls from his… well, from Charlie’s, if there’s any keyboards left that haven’t fused with the remains of Fort Mans. 1:21:09

On Eternia’s one set, Skelly marches back into his throne room, smug as a bug in a rug. He-Man, wearing just a fuzzy pair of boxer shorts and matching moon boots, follows in tow. Skelly declares, “I win.” To think about it, that would’ve been the BEST way to end the movie, right then and there. “I win.” And then “The end.” All sixteen kids who actually saw this film would’ve burst into tears on the spot.

Because he has some time to kill (half a preton or pringles or whatever), Skelly fills the void with another doom-n-gloom speech, during which He-Man just rolls his eyes and Pickles (looking more wrinkled than usual) wishes she could sit down already. Poor girl, she’s been standing up for twelve hours now. He also shows off his brand new Sword of Greyskull, which is sort of nifty. I think Skelly’s happier with his captured He-Man, who he chains right in front of his throne. I mean, maybe this is a great piece of hubris in the moment, but wouldn’t a ever-present He-Man crimp your day if you actually worked from your throne? Off-putting and oily. Skelly tells He-Man that he’s going to kill him in a bit, but then also threatens him with “unforgettable harm.” Personally, I would’ve started with the harm, then gone to the killing, but I’m not as great with threats as I used to be. Blade takes out a fully-animated whip and gives He-Man the “I’m a bad little boy” spanking special. I suppose this is how Skelly shows his love, after a fashion. I just wish it didn’t make me want to throw up so much. 1:24:16

While Lubic goes a bit more insane, Kevin races the Mary Kay car back to the guys with his keyboard. Kev shows Gwildor how a keyboard works, and Gwildor says, I quote, “Excellent!” Thank you, Bill and Ted, for that special report. While Duncan and Gwildor do a bit of mechanics, Julie begs Kevin to never leave her. Oh, you mean like you were just about to leave him? Oooh. Sinner. This is such a tender moment that Gwildor and Duncan actually stop working on the project that’s supposed to save Julie, He-Man and the universe to make soft, “awww” eyes at the couple. The score starts playing, softly, the Key’s tune. 1:25:57

More He-Whippings. Skelly is liking this a little too much, shuddering (I am NOT exaggerating here) with each stroke of the whip. “Where has your strength gone?” Skelly taunts. He-Man gives him a look that says, “Why don’t you come down here and take a turn being shredded by animation, and let’s see if you’re not as spry as you once were!” I’m actually glad Dolph doesn’t feel the need to verbally spar with Skelly, because that would not help his heroic image much. Sloth love Chunk? Baby Ruth?

Okay, so the moon is at its “apex”, for what it’s worth, and it’s time for Skelly to finalize his ascension into power and tackiness. He begins the process – as I’m sure you could forsee – with another long speech about being the “alpha and omega.” God sues for copyright violation. 1:26:50

Remember how I mentioned one of the opening shots of Eternia, where captured rebel troops were being guarded by stormtroopers? Well, it’s fully a day later, at night, and they’re still there. Same poses, same everything, just waiting for the next broadcast of Skelly TV. Skelly talks himself up a bit (“destiny”) and declares himself Master of the Universe. And you thought the presidential electoral college was a bad way to pick a leader. The power of Greyskull starts to fill him, and Skelly feels the need to narrate it all. I guess the power of the cosmos is talky. Lots of over-animation and bright lights. After the light show is over, Uber-Skelly is revealed, and I must say that it’s a bit of a letdown. He’s got a lot of new gaudy gold-painted armor, and a completely ridiculous mask with four horns and a pig snout. If this is Power, I don’t want any. He starts shooting eye blasts at He-Man to make him kneel. Gee, all the power in the universe, and you’re using it to push a guy over? Terrific. 1:29:44

On Earth, the good guys open the portal right as Lubic rushes in to mess everything up.

“Tell me about the loneliness of good, He-Man,” Uber-Skelly says. Hey, at least he doesn’t have to capture and chain his friends so that he has someone to talk to, you dork. Right about then, the portal opens and the good guys plus Lubic appear. Also appearing is the front half of the Mary Kay car and a large chunk of a building which is probably collapsing half a galaxy away right now. Having all the power in the universe at his disposal, Uber-Skelly has to tell his troops to attack. Good thing we have this caddy to hide behind! “But… but… you promised not to hurt them!” He-Man snivels. “I lied!” Uber-Skelly reads from the Book of Standard Villain Responses. He-Man breaks free and starts rampaging like only a ticked-off Dolph Lundgren can. Duncan takes charge of the fight by barking orders: “Kevin, watch the rear.” No, Kevin, not HIS rear, THE rear. Lubic feels like he’s in “the twilight zone”, but shakes himself off enough to start using Charlie’s shotgun for something other than pumping at opportune moments.

Lots more battle, as stormtroopers get blasted, racked and thrown, but Uber-Skelly’s lackies just sort of wander off. I can’t complain, this is more entertaining than Gwildor could ever be. Like Samson before him, He-Man puts his muscles to work and shoves a huge statue over. It doesn’t do any good, other than to give us a reason to cheer, to hope, and to live again. “Karg, prepare the battle station,” Evil-Lyn orders. They have one of those? Finally having had enough of Skelly’s unrequited love for Swedish hunks, Evil-Lyn boogies out of there. Good for her.

This is finally He-Man’s moment, though, and he swings onto the platform with the assistance of some lovely silk hangings. All of Uber-Skelly’s power can’t keep He-Man from yanking free his sword and bellowing out the infamous “I HAVE DA POWER!” line. The dialogue does not sync at all well with his lips, however. Uber-Skelly says “destiny” again (this to him as “leverage” is to John Travolta) and they have a go at each other. “Enough talk!” He-Man speaks for both himself and the audience. The main lights go out, mood lighting commences, and both actors half-heartedly jab and swing at each other. Finally, He-Man breaks Uber-Skelly’s staff, transforming him back into regular, unpowerful Skeletor. Still, the fight goes on, as Skelly draws another sword and they slice-and-dice on the edge of a chasm. Without much fanfare, Skelly and all of his scenery chewing is nudged into the abyss. At the bottom, he meets up with the Emperor and both halves of Darth Maul.

Right about then, the lights come back on. Don’t question it, just go with the flow.

“He-Man!” Duncan cheers. “Victory! Victory!” He-Man turns around and gives a completely doofy smile and mumbles out “victory.” 1:36:45

AN UNDISCLOSED TIME LATER:

The good guys are triumphant, and good stormtroopers adorn the throne room of the gaping chasms, which continues to claim at least two workers each and every day due to carlessness. Our coda finds out what’s happened to some of the characters.

Lubic’s found his place in the universe, by which we mean “a really cute girl and a blue robe to wear.” He hugs his girl, and Gwildor gets the good feelies. The Sorceress, reestablished on the throne, gives Julie a giant gobstopper as a present. Julie’s thinking that she’d rather have a “I came half across the universe and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” momento. Kevin is gifted with a starring role on the worst Star Trek series of all time. It’s goodbye time, and everyone’s a bit sad, especially Duncan, who can’t bear to look at the Earthians. Teela tells them not to say goodbye, but to say “good journey” and give that fruity wave of the hand we saw before. And this makes much of a difference, why? “There’s an old Eternian saying,” Duncan lectures. “Live the journey… for every destination is but a doorway to another.” Geez, this movie is full of priceless fortune cookie quotes, isn’t it?

I feel I should mention that Gwildor has a crapload of little gold bows in his hair right now.

He-Man feels up Julie one last time. Although it took Gwildor forever and a day to use the Key when danger was near, he’s able to call up a portal for Kevin and Julie in a flash. Julie kisses him and her lips rot off. 1:39:03

So how could we end this movie any more sickening-sweet than it is already? Oh, just wait and see! Julie awakes in her bed, behind which is a poster where it looks like someone cut up a Cosmo and glued random things up on it. The house looks a lot better than it used to which means… oh yes…

Which means Gwildor sent them back in time so Julie could save her parents.

“You built a Cosmic Key… out of a DeLorean?”

Julie rushes down and hugs her parents as the audience goes “What the HECK?” She convinces them not to fly that day by taking their plane keys (Julie’s dad was the pilot) and running out the front door. She meets up with Kevin in the street, who is strangely glad even though this means he has to repeat quite a few months of the same homework and tests that he already did. Also, does this mean that the timeline has changed enough so that Julie and Kevin won’t be available to help out He-Man and company when they travel to Earth in the future? My head hurts.

The film ends with the camera swooping in on the bauble that the Sorceress gave Julie. He-Man appears in the middle, waving his sword and “I have the power!” and “Your parents have a second set of plane keys, by the way, and they just left!” 1:41:35

THE END.

And just in case you missed him, at the end of the credits Skelly’s head pops out of water (!) and barks, “I’ll be back!” Well, no, you won’t. The movie bombed. But you’ll live forever in our hearts, you-who-dared-anything!