“As Mr. Van Wilder would say, ‘If you can’t join them, beat them.'”

Justin’s rating: The legend might be growing, but the box office sure is shrinking.

Justin’s review: As a film institution, National Lampoon has been coasting on the fumes of Animal House and Vacation for so long that wishes and dreams present a much better fuel source than any legitimate claim to excellence. For every National Lampoon’s Gold Diggers and National Lampoon’s Attack of the 5 Ft 2 Woman brought to the table by the prosecution, the defense will stodgily return to “Yeah, well, they made Animal House! So, your momma!”

Yes. Our momma.

In truth, there’s always been a segment of society — call it “late teens, early college guys” — who’ve been coasting right alongside of National Lampoon in whatever idiotically stupid venture they’re trying to churn out. National Lampoon is the high school/college equivalent of Troma’s gory pseudo-porn movies, as deep as an inch of rainwater on a hot summer day and as long-lasting. The formula, firmly established in the late 1970s, remains largely unchanged today: take a group of misfits, pit them against snobby superiors, and add unfettered nudity. Another $1.2 million earned in direct-to-DVD profit, on to the next show!

I think it absolutely stunned National Lampoon to find themselves with a genuine hit in Van Wilder, almost 13 years after what I’d consider their last noticeable success (Christmas Vacation). While still holding steadfast to the National Lampoon formula, Van Wilder nevertheless acquitted itself with a superb leading man (Ryan Reynolds) and hilarious lines — of course, National Lampoon’s love of All Things Gross still plopped here and there like an unwelcome visitor on our living room couches.

So! A good hit! What to do? Well, a direct sequel was out, with Reynolds moving on to new pastures… or was it? Quick, to the Emergency Sequel Playbook! Hm… page 125: “In the event that a leading star from your movie refuses to return for the sequel, work your way down the casting ladder until you find a willing sap who will hack out a new movie for the promise of a starring role and more money.” Hello Kal Penn (Taj), fresh off Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle and hungry for more sweet burgers.

And if we’re taking one page from the Emergency Sequel Playbook, why not a few more?

Page 14: “New settings work wonders, as long as they share a similarity to the old setting. Different, but similar. If you’re at a California college in the first movie, place the setting for the sequel at a university in England. For example.”

Page 49: “Rush through casting a motley crew of memorable stereotypes to help your audience forget the much better and more thought out characters in the original movie. An ethnicity can be played for much laughs, as can one’s sexual preference, nerdiness, hobbies or looks.”

Page 126: “Even if you have to replace 100% of the cast and crew from the original, capitalize off the first by making every effort to connect the films through a cleverly planned series of name-dropping. ‘Oh, hey, you just got mail from so-and-so, the actor in the first movie who can’t be bothered to show up to this one. Choke on your lack of integrity, dingbat.'”

Page 89: “Remember, it’s a sequel, so don’t let anything like ‘good taste’ hold you back. Pull out every cliché – from the slow clap, to the predictable romance between uneven social classes, to parents bursting in on their kids in the middle of coitus, to ‘Holy cow, I just drank WHAT?’, to an unnecessary dance party, to a montage that features a single from the soundtrack album set against the backdrop of whatever famous landmarks you can scrounge up.”

Page 1: “No rules. Just right.”

As predictable and extraordinarily tired as Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj is — particularly compared to its ancestor — Kal Penn gets in a few moments of fun as a leading man who isn’t necessarily a whipping post for the snobs until the last scene. Otherwise, I can’t actually believe this got a theatrical release. Back to the pound with you, National Lampoon!