“Do not eat the hamsters!”

Justin’s rating: Single-handedly setting back the women’s rights movement by about fifteen years.

Justin’s review: If you can answer the following questions with “yes”, then Repli-Kate might be the movie for you. (1) Do you like Ali Landry? (2) Will basic low-brow humor of the sort that you might see on Saturday afternoon cable TV help to numb the drudgeries of your life for two hours?

I’ll assume you answered in the affirmative there, since you haven’t backed away from this page to relish Lissa’s thought-provoking exposé on Amadeus. This means that you’re a shallow human, most likely a male, and in dire need of human affection. So put down your cat — it doesn’t like snuggling as much as you think it does — and pop in Repli-Kate to feed your fantasy of molding the perfect woman after your likeness. Only, you know, with less Doritos dust on the chin.

The “hero” of our fable is Max, one of those oh-so-common rugged, good-looking guys who not only is single but a brilliant scientist of the genetic sort. Happily, both Max’s science and romance natures are fulfilled when he accidentally clones some hamsters. And then, wait for it, a gorgeous “science reporter” named Kate, played by Ali Landry and sponsored by Victoria’s Secret.

Instead of deeply grappling with the ethical and moral consequences of cloning another human being against her will, Max and his randy British sidekick Henry decide to train the clone — which they cleverly name “Repli-Kate” — to be the kind of woman that guys supposedly wish most females would be. You know: really into sports, loves junk food, happy to snuggle at the drop of a hat, and a great beer belcher. This end product, shockingly enough, turns out to be unable to fulfill what Max really needs.

So as Max and Henry use their new human toy for their own dubious ends, there are all sorts of scenes where the real Kate and Repli-Kate almost meet, or people get mixed up between the two, or Ali Landry shows off underwear for five minutes while the plot grinds to a halt and drools a bit. We also meet the antagonistic head of the Cleanest Science Lab Ever Department, played by Eugene Levy, who at this point has been in more comedy movies than John Candy, Bill Murray, and Freddy Prinze Jr. combined.

If you’re thinking that Repli-Kate sounds a lot like the writers were overly fond of Three’s Company, Weird Science, and American Pie, then you’d be spot on the nose. Surprisingly enough, Ali Landry makes off with the haul of what comedy gold there is in this film. She obviously has a blast playing the beer-swilling, man-goddess Repli-Kate, doing so with a wide-eyed manic nature.

I could see Repli-Kate possibly sitting in somebody’s video library as a guilty pleasure, but it’s nothing I’m going to be giving grandma for Christmas. She’s a huge fan of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series, so I’m getting her the box set.

Didja notice?

• Movie Law #451: Only in movies is the rugged, good-looking decent respected scientist single – and bemoaning it
• No guys ever have conversations about women like this
• Is that… Eugene Levy with the WORST moustache ever worn by man or woman?
• Cloning people is not only possible, but you can clone them into a full adult without any of that waiting period
• Science machines should be bright, glowy, and impossible to see inside as to preserve the suspense
• I want to see a mouse implode!
• This guy gets way too excited talking about genetics
• Science computers need to have many windows open with goofy graphics and meaningless numbers. And something beeping loudly.
• When you faint from seeing a hot naked cloned girl, expect to be out of commission for most of the night
• Minus ten points to any movie where a character has to say, in a condescending voice, “I’m a friend… frieeeeend”
• A very naked Ali Larter, from 200 feet away
• The Wedding Singer IS the best movie ever
• So these two guys have had a hot girl to reprogram for an entire day and they haven’t taken advantage of her yet? Thank God a frat didn’t clone her.
• Grapefruit softball!
• They make hamster-sized helmets. Hee.
• We don’t know why girls like thongs either
• Okay, the mirror gag was funny
• Nerdy scientists have comically tiny cars
• Max is turning into the girl… hah
• The Cineplex featuring “Best In Show” (also starring Eugene Levy)
• THE HAMSTER EXPLODED! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT IN MOVIE HISTORY!
• Hehe… Kate wrestling Max. Not the sexy type of wrestling either.
• All good science lectures should include massive experiments conducted on a stage. Like a rock show!
• Dr. Fromer’s clone is hilarious