I don’t use the phrase “I wish I could have that [insert time spent on watching movie] of my life back”. I get the joke, that doing anything (no matter how pointless) would have been time better spent, but I have to disagree. Those two hours would have probably just been spent eating canned beets and watching Japanese WTF commercials on YouTube. Unless it’s these amazing Fanta commercials, I am unimpressed.
I think I did use that over dramatic phrase in the past, but that was before I really started to delve into some of the weirder films out there. My previously-un-traumatized brain had no idea what lay in the shadows of cinema, ready to feast on my innocence. A couple on this list were crappy, but most were so awful that the thought of ever having to see them again makes me feel all icky in my tum-tum.
That being the case I couldn’t watch these twice, which is the number of times the big boss man likes us to see a film before we review it. This left me with a whole bunch of terrible movies that, while fitting for MRFH, were never going to be reviewed because of a snowball’s chance in The Bad Place that I would ever watch them again.
So for your listy pleasure (sounds kinda dirty, don’t it?) I present a handful of movies that are all very bad, most in very similar ways:
The Six Most Awful Movies I Watched This Year:
6. Robo Geisha
I have to admit that this movie was darned hilarious at times. Sadly, it was mostly Troma levels of terrible goofiness and there’s only so much of that I can take before I decide that a second viewing will never happen. This is the main problem with about half of this list.
I watched Robo Geisha at a party during the holidays. The host is always recommending this stuff and, since it was his house we were in, we all politely watched. There were plenty of awkward and gross moments, but we also enjoyed some genuine laughs. You just can’t watch a woman turn into a mecha and propel herself by strumming a shamisen with a straight face.
Not only that, but some of the weaponry in this movie is so intentionally over the top that there can be no other reaction than laughter, even if it’s due to being severely uncomfortable with what’s happening on screen. Armpit swords, boob machine guns…other things I won’t mention because I love my readers and want them to stay…
You know what? Never mind. You read the title, so you knew what you were getting yourself into. Ass shurikens. There, I said it. Somehow the AS, as I lovingly refer to them, not only disgusted me in every way possible, sinking the film down to near-Epic Movie levels, but they managed to fit right in with the rest of the movie so well that I just grimaced and moved on.
What has gone wrong in my life that I’m shrugging off ass shurikens?
5. Sword For Truth
People love to compare this movie to Ninja Scroll. Understandable, given the similarities. I mean they’re both anime so it’s the same thing, right? Just like a sandwich is a sandwich, no matter whether you use real meat or that green stuff your local grocer hasn’t gotten up the nerve to throw out because that means he’d actually have to touch it. In that terrible analogy, Sword For Truth is not the first sandwich.
Here’s what happens when you take Ninja Scroll and remove the good storyline, great voice acting, make the animation even worse and add more pointless exploitation and sex crimes. Fun for all, yes?
I can remember something about a tiger and people getting killed and someone needing to come and defeat the tiger. I think. There were also armies of ninjas. Ninjas were falling off of buildings due to sneaking into the hundreds of other ninjas. If you put Strong Bad, the Ask A Ninja guy, and a 9-year-old boy in the same room they wouldn’t even be able to come up with a reason for this many ninjas.
The day was either saved or ruined by ninjas, but I really can’t recall since I was bored out of my skull by the atrocious animation. Most of the time I was staring at the same freaking frames, frozen and zoomed in on and flashed up the screen, as is too common in bad anime. I have seen it before, and I can put up with its seizure-inducing madness for a short while. This movie seems to be made up almost completely of said “tricks” of the camera, and it’s enough to make you want to turn the movie off in the first five minutes. I wish I had.
No, not the one with Al Pacino. That’s actually what I was looking for when I ran across this on Netflix. I had never seen an Andy Warhol movie and my poor, naive brain thought that it might be good since he was a famous artist and all.
I cheated with this one, since I couldn’t even make it through. I did about 20 minutes before I could no longer ignore what felt like my life force being slowly drained from my body. The sound was competing with Eraserhead for the title of Biggest Garbled Mess, but I think I prefer it that way. Given the completely stoned facial expressions and actions from everyone on screen I can’t imagine that anything coming out of their mouths was worth listening to. Add to that the crappy lighting, fuzzy shots, and completely uninteresting story and characters and this movie can pat itself on the back for making me a quitter.
Oh hey! I almost forgot the pupil-searing, soul-destroying, intensely gross sex that is going on at all times. Every single person I saw had, or was going to have, sex with every other person; and some of those people would get turned down by hobos in real life. If you have animals in your house when you watch this movie they will be pregnant by the time it’s over. Even the males.
I have heard that this one was supposed to be part of the Masters of Horror series until Showtime decided it was too disturbing for TV or something. Granted, I don’t know a lot about TV that you actually have to pay for, but it was always my understanding that Showtime offers up some of the most disturbing and sexually explicit fare short of those “special” channels. The fact that this movie didn’t make the cut should tell you something right away.
This was another recommendation from the Robo Geisha friend, watched with the same group as before. Sure, he brought us the awesomeness that was Battle Royale, and got us to laugh together at Robo Geisha, but at this point we began to question his taste. This movie is everything you don’t want when trying to entertain a varied audience. I don’t want to go into specifics, because any specifics, really, would give away spoilers. Why? Can’t tell you that, either, because it’s a spoiler.
Suffice it to say that this is a movie of layers. Horrible layers that will only get worse as you keep watching. I will tell you this much: Imagine every cultural taboo/difficult situation to discuss/terrible thing that could happen to a person (especially a woman) and you would have this movie. Oh, and make sure to show all of that as graphically and seriously as possible.
I could have seen this as a pretty darned awesome film for its interesting narrative style (yes, I know it’s similar to Rashomon) and complete inability to worry about the audience’s comfort zone to tell its story. What really hurt it for me was that ridiculous demon. I felt cheated after dealing with that level of trauma in the story, only to get a Crypt Keeper ending.
It also might have gone over better if I hadn’t watched it at what was supposed to be a party with a group of people who were obviously squirming and totally unhappy. Hive mind, and all.
2. Samurai Princess
A beautiful woman gets turned into living-dead-mecha infused with the souls of her eleven dead sisters, which make her stronger than nearly all others around her and gives the added benefit of 11 insane weapons. It’s kind of similar to Robo Geisha, as you can tell, but this movie is much crazier than that, which is no small feat. You will watch someone’s head get chopped off in the first few seconds. If that doesn’t tell you how gory this will be, then you aren’t too good at critical observations.
This thing was awful awful awful. And, since it starred porn actors, nudity abounds! Chest grenades explode! There is a guitar/sword/chainsaw! I realize this is doing a terrible job of convincing you guys that this is a bad movie, but trust me. It’s boring and so over the top that watching it feels more like putting up with the rantings of a child on an IV of pure sugar.
1. The Human Centipede
No. No. No way. I won’t. I refuse. You can’t. Please. I know I said six, but can’t we make it five? Please? *weeping and sobbing*
No? I hate you. I hate you so much. *sigh* Okay. Remember my “friend”? Yeah, the perpetrator you met in numbers 3 and 6. Well he brought this gem over on Thanksgiving and now that holiday is forever scarred (by that, and the stuffing that our other drunk friend poured most of the grease from the fried turkey into). Unlike Robo Geisha and Imprint, this is one that our friend had only heard about and not seen.
I spared you details of the last movie because of spoilers, but this…this I just can’t bring myself to talk about openly. Just think about the title. Think about it real hard. Imagine a creepy, horrible “doctor” living out in the German wilderness. Now think about the title again. Now back to the doctor, and the three people he has kidnapped. Now back to the title. Pretend that you have a life worth living without nightmares. Stop while you still can. Do not go on. I beg of you.
Even the friend who brought this on us thought it was awful. I can see that there was real effort here, but HOLY CRAP WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? HE SEWED THREE PEOPLE TOGETHER ATM!!! I am 27 years old and I had trouble sleeping for months because of this movie. I may never stop crying. Never.