“He’s so plastered he wouldn’t even know his own mother. Even if he went to the zoo.”

The Scoop: 1995 R, directed by Clive Turner and starring Clive Turner, John Ramsden, and Jack Huff.

Tagline: Somewhere Out There a New Terror is Breeding

Summary Capsule: One long country music video, with werewolf goodness sprinkled on top.

Eunice’s rating: This is a movie designed for a group viewing, quip making, and if alcohol should be involved I won’t judge.

Eunice’s review: I like werewolf movies. Good, bad, mediocre, they’re one of my weaknesses (Except for Blood and Chocolate, even I have standards).

Years ago I was introduced, via late night cable, to The Howling series with a double header of The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (how can you not love a title like that?) and The Howling: New Moon Rising (The Howling VII). Then I saw The Howling III, The Howling V, and finally got around to seeing the first one. While someday I’ll probably sit down and do a marathon, so far, VII is the only one I’ve ever considered owning.

But let’s get one thing straight: This is an awful movie. The kind of awful that sails through unwatchable, passes amusing, and lands comfortably in comedic gold. If you don’t believe in “So bad it’s good” just skip this review and bypass New Moon Rising all together.

But if you’re at Mutant Reviewers you probably know exactly what I’m talking about.

Honestly, there’s two movies here. The first is the most blatant Road House wannabe in all history. A long haired Australian stranger with a secret, Ted rides into quite possibly the smallest town ever, gets a job at the local country western bar, and makes some of the worst jokes I’ve heard. At some point someone remembered that this was supposed to be part of a werewolf series and filmed the second movie with what was left. Combining elements from movies IV, V, and VI, a priest and a sheriff find themselves investigating strange deaths and disappearances. That’s a plot that makes sense though isn’t it? Unfortunately nothing about this movie actually resembles cohesion. Ever. Ever, ever, ever.

I could never properly describe New Moon Rising, but there are some facts that should convey some of its luminescent splendor: Clive Turner wrote, directed, edited, and starred. Almost all of the “actors” are the actual townspeople, who use their own names. AND everyone ACTS like they’re in *exaggerated stage finger pointing* a school play. And that may be an insult to elementary school children. Forgive me, little ones.

Then there’s the line dancing. Oh, all things holy, the line dancing!

Let me repeat that – LINE DANCING. In a werewolf movie. Not once, not quickly. Several times. For about 50% of the movie. The mind, it boggles. And country music out the wazoo. If you hate country music just steer clear.

The comedy, the intentional stuff that is, is terrible. Terrrrrrrrible. How you can get so much mileage out of jokes that can’t even limp an inch is beyond me.

And then tacked on and haphazardly edited in here and there is the werewolf stuff. Oh, yeah. Ho hum. Lycanthropes, yadda yadda. But then we get back to the mad hot line dancing!

What makes this movie the only one of the series I’ve watched more than once is its sincerity. You can tell, this is someone’s pet project, their baby if you will. And so the badness has an Ed Wood quality to it. I mean how can you not get into that? I could wax poetic about this all day, but it needs to be seen to be believed.

Intermission!

• If the ending doesn’t make any dang sense, that’s because when it was decided the movie was too long about 15 minutes were cut from the end. They kept in the line dancing and horrible jokes, and cut out the actual story footage. Buh?
• The footage from previous Howling movies includes Ted’s storyline from The Howling V: The Rebirth (his character’s name was Ray in that one), Marie’s story from Howling IV: The Original Nightmare, and Howling VI: The Freaks is on the video the Sheriff has.
• The line dancing! AAAUUUGH!
• What the frag is Bonnie’s problem?
• Oh those communists and their tourist attractions.
• Most pointless montage ever.
• Seriously though, what’s with the crazy lighting during the line dancing?
• That cop has the worst listening stamina ever.
• Who knew that one “horror” movie could contain so many bad jokes?
• If the sheriff isn’t supposed to be some poor man’s Loyd Bridges, then he sure fooled me.
• I don’t even know who George Jones is, but this movie makes me hate him.
• No, not the slo-mo red vision!
• Even SciFi, excuse SyFy, would blush at that transformation scene, yeesh.

Groovy Quotes:

Sheriff: The consensus was he was killed by a wolf. The only thing is this wolf would’ve had to been twice the size of The Hound of the Baskervilles.
Priest: What?!
Sheriff: Hound of the Baskervilles. It was a Sherlock Holmes…
Priest: What else inspector, what else?

Jim: From Australia?
Ted: Yeah, but I flew most of the way.
Brock: Arms tired?
Ted: Only when I flap ‘em.
Jim: Well that could give ya arm-ritus
Ted: Oh that’s all right. I just had a bout of hip-pititus.
Jim: A little bit further down your leg and you’d probably get knee-monia.

Sheriff: I hate to sound skeptical, I believed in Santa Claus ‘til I was eight years old.

Priest: These facts go back 500 years.
Sheriff: Excuse me, 500 years? Is this going to be a long story?
Priest: Especially if you keep interrupting.

Ted: The vodka diet.
Leslie: The vodka diet? Get out of here.
Ted: Yeah, I drink vodka all the time.
Leslie: Does it work?
Ted: Hell yeah, lost three days already.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• The Howling series
• Plan 9 from Outer Space
• Rhinestone