Bailey’s Billions (2005)

“*fart noise*”

The Scoop: 2005 G, directed by David Devine, and starring Dean Cain, Jon Lovitz and Tim Curry.

Tagline: A Hero is Unleashed!

Summary Capsule: Talking dog, evil rich people, romantic subplot, good triumphs.  Whee.

kalebbanner

Kaleb’s rating: You know, I’ve never really tried watching paint dry.  It might actually be great!

Kaleb’s review: The Rule of Two.  The idea that, in order to be reviewed properly, a film must be watched at least twice.  Not sure who came up with it; I learned it from Justin, but I don’t know if he originated it or also picked it up from somebody else.

Regardless, it’s based on sound logic.  There are all sort of tidbits you’ll only catch the second time ’round, and it also provides an opportunity to snag extras-fodder; quotes and screencaps and such.

So it’s a good rule.  But it can be a tremendous ass-pain as well.  Case in point: Remember the review of Punisher: War Zone I did a while back?  You know, the last review I submitted?  Six months ago or so?  That, my friends, was a right proper slog on the second go-round.  I did watch it twice, because I’m virtuous and I love you, but the experience stands as one of those rare, horrifying moments where MRFH temporarily felt like a job.

So you can imagine my delight when presented with a gem like Bailey’s Billions; a film not only comprised of enough high-grade flame-broiled odious to make a second viewing a death-first option, but also banal enough to make such unnecessary.

“Kaleb, you mean, megaloencephalic bastard!” you say, “It’s a children’s movie!  Be nice to it!”

Okay, first of all, children’s films should not be excused by some foregone lower standard.  Secondly, I got my rose-tinted glasses taped back together to where one lens kind of works, and peering through such, was never convinced that I would’ve liked Bailey’s Billions any better as a five year-old.  And don’t say, “That probably because you were a bitter, nasty five year-old.”

Notice how I’m not denying it outright.

“But Kaleb,” you ask, “If it’s that bad, and the title and premise gave you no reason to suspect it wouldn’t be, why did you even watch it in the first place?  Do you have self-loathing issues, or something?”

Sure do!  But that’s not relevant in this case.  Story time!

Some months back, I was thumbing through this anime artbook that I have — ’cause I’m a huge nerd, right? — which is, of course, mostly pictures, but what little text there is is written in Japanese, for whatever reason.  Now, for those of you who don’t know, Japanese is, like, this whole other language that I don’t understand.  Further, the written form thereof eschews letters in favor of these little slashy lines that come together to make crazy symbols that mean things.  It’s wild, and I don’t get it either.

But, a particular one of those little squiggly doo-dads caught my eye, and I suspected I knew what it meant, but I just had to know.  What to do?

Then I remembered!  Heather used to live in the Japan-place, and I talk to her regularly using the letter stones on the magical gazing box!

So I sent her an expertly-scribbled drawing of the character in question, followed shortly after by a scan of the page it was on, and she was like, “Hmmm… that’s a toughy.  I’m going to have to enlist the help of my Japanese Friend(tm), Tsukasa.”

And I was like, “Wicked!  Are you going to summon her with a pendant?  Will she transform into a plasma cannon or a hoverboard, or split apart into jaggedy crystalline armor that will put itself on you?”

And she was like, “No, I’ll probably just e-mail her, and none of those things you mentioned will happen.  Also, that last one sounded a tiny bit off-color.”

And I was like, “Awesooooome!!”

So anyway, Heather rang Tsukasa in an e-mail way, I found out the meaning of the character I was interested in, and it was actually quite disappointing.  Nonetheless, I felt like I owed something for services rendered, and as I have naught to give but review requests… here we are.

Following my last review-by-request–which was also from Heather, and was also bad — I spent a few minutes making taunting gestures at the aforementioned, who had been convinced that the film in question would make my soul deflate.  “I’m still standing,” said I, “Better than I ever been.”

‘Twas then she revealed that Child Bride had been naught but a rangefinding shot of sorts; a means of determining my weakness, (hint: Don’t use lesbian-based attacks; I absorb them as health) that she might buy me a better seat on the unhappiness bus to Pain City, and that the true crap hurricane was yet on the horizon, set to make landfall the next time I offered a review request.  Which I very stupidly did, and will never, ever do again.

Here’s the thing, though: Earlier I implied that Bailey’s Billions was terrible, and so it was, but some clarification is needed, as well as an explanation as to why it succeeded where Child Bride failed.

Like Child Bride, BB is a nothing-movie.  Unlike Child Bride, BB lacks the geek-cred of MST3Ky-repelling legendarity as well as the smattering of aggressive badness that at least gave Child Bride some degree of definability, and mercifully provided me with something to make fun of.

No, BB is sublime oblivion.  Pure nonexistence.  A rocky place, where my snark-seed cannot find purchase.  So you see, it isn’t horrible in the traditional sense, it’s just…

What?  No, that was actually a complete sentence.

Tim!  Buddy!  You should've said something!  I would've lent you a fiver!
Tim! Buddy! You should’ve said something! I would’ve lent you a fiver!

Intermission!

  • Ha ha ha!  Bailey pulled that lady’s scarf off, and she went spinning around and around!  It’s funny because she spun much more than she would have in actuality!
  • I can’t decide whether the puppy mill’s security system is devious or just backward.  Any precocious ragamuffin can walk in right off the street, but you have to know the passcode to get back out?
  • It surprises me how many big and semi-big names are present here.  I mean, Tim Curry!  Why Tim, why?
  • If Jay Sherman had reviewed this, he would’ve marked Bailey’s voice actor as the only bright spot.

Groovy Quotes

Me: I want a Japanese Friend(tm) too!
Heather: No way!  Maybe when you’re older.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

  • Beethoven’s 1 through 8,000,000
  • Homeward Bound
  • Tubal Ligation

7 comments

  1. Mutant Reviewers From Hell: Pushing The Envelope
    I like it. 🙂

    And am I the only one to think that the line “Comedy, Family and Kaleb” might almost be a pitch for a TV show?

  2. Haha. This review made me chuckle muchly. My one and only complaint is that you made no mention of the insane “victory dance” that Curry and Jennifer Tilly do throughout the movie. In the pile of everything that sucks in this movie, that hurt the worst (and made me pity Curry the most). I’m so sorry, Kaleb. Not because I feel BAD for you, no no no. Just because this particular choice was so very horrible that I’ll be given no more chances to unleash a movie upon you that will shatter your will to live. It was becoming a personal challenge of mine. Wow…I’m starting to sound like Dr. Forrester there and I wasn’t even trying.

    Personal triumph or call for help? You decide.

    • Take heart, Your Evilness. I’m inevitably going to need some classified bit of Japan info at some point. And around here, nothing’s free.

      • No, just The Company of Wolves (I’m not nitpicking, there’s another movie with the “In”). Okay, I just didn’t want you to miss out on all the feminist visual euphemisms of becoming a woman. It should even out the doe-eyed robot cat maids.

        Though after this review I’m kinda wishing I’d asked for Pirates of the Plains. Oh, Tim Curry, how the mighty have fallen!

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