“This was my dream, my wish. And it didn’t come true. So I’m taking it back. I’m taking them all back.”

The Scoop: 1985 PG, directed by Richard Donner and starring Sean Astin, Josh Brolin and Corey Feldman

Tagline: They call themselves “The Goonies.” The secret caves. The old lighthouse. The lost map. The treacherous traps. The hidden treasure. And Sloth… Join the adventure.

Summary Capsule: Outcast kids in a club seek pirate treasure to save their homes (only in the 80’s could this happen)

Justin’s rating: I miss my childhood (sniff…)

Justin’s review: Believe it or not, I first saw The Goonies during finals week at college. Because our highly superior brains were on overload that week, the student government association kept coming up with stupid activities to help us de-stress. All we really needed was to soak in a tub of hot coffee and get professional massages from the cleaning staff. But I digress.

So I went to see Goonies because (a) it was free, and (b) I would accept any excuse to procrastinate further from studies. Lo and behold, this film tickled the child in me, then slapped it around for good measure.

From a story by Mr. Family Man Steven Spielberg comes a group of rejected kids (Revenge of the Nerds in training) who are facing the ugly prospect of losing their homes to a real estate mogul. Don’t ask me what their parents were doing about this, I got the impression they were out boozing and kinda forgot they had sired offspring. The kids (who call themselves “Goonies”) discover a pirate’s treasure map and decide to go for broke and find the gold. About this time, a trio of gangsters are on the run from the law, and end up chasing the Goonies through underground caves until they reach the inevitable climax.

Oh, yeah, and did I mention that one of the film’s favorite characters looks like the Toxic Avenger’s brother? His name is Sloth, and he follows the children around (probably hoping to get one alone to eat for supper).

It’s a funny, sassy film (the way kids like films best). Sure, they’re brats, but they play earnest brats the way we all were. Or maybe it was just me. The only serious problem I have with this film is the covert use of Freudian suggestiveness. The pirate captain’s name is, get this, “One-Eyed Willy.” Now, I’m enough of a guy to know that this is a popular code word for a male organ. Did the filmmakers know this? I think so, during one of their really late-night writing sessions (the ones with the tequila and pillow fights). In any case, it’s kinda hard not to snicker every time Mikey (Sean Astin) says “One-Eyed Willy” with a tone of reverence in his voice.

To get philosophical, inside all of us rests the heart of a Goonie. Rejected yet spunky. Smart yet idiotic. Inventive yet we really never got to kiss a girl until those darn braces came off. March on, Goonie brigade, and we will follow.

Andie’s rating: 5 out of 5 Booty Traps

Andie’s review: This is definitely one of my top ten children’s movies. It has adventure, romance, pirates, comedy, rich stuff, and of course, the Truffle Shuffle. I assume everybody already knows the plot of this movie. If you don’t, you must’ve been raised by wolves in a cave or something. Because no one should’ve escaped the 80’s without having seen this movie. It’s a classic.

This is every 12-year-old girl’s dream. Getting to go on this great adventure through caves and waterfalls and slides and a pirate ship with hot guys. What more could you want? I hated being called Andie until I saw this movie; the girl named Andie (Kerri Green) in this movie is pretty and gets to kiss Mikey (Sean Astin) and Brand (Josh Brolin).

My favorite scenes include every time Stef and Mouth get in a fight, when Chunk spills his guts to the Fratelli’s, when Andie accidentally kisses Mikey, and at the end where Data’s dad tries to take a picture and it doesn’t work and Data tells him you can’t hug a photograph, because that is just cute. This movie is a definite recommendation, especially as a nice break to the monotony of finals, which I am in the throes of now and I just watched Goonies.

Kyle’s rating: More firmly and pleasantly entrenched in the past than any other film I can think of

Kyle’s review: It says something for the universal appeal of The Goonies that on a recent college trip all of us were convalescing from a long day in one of the girls’ hotel rooms and when we flipped to The Goonies on television, all the drinking and card games and tonsil hockey stopped and we sat in awe watching this film that anyone lucid in the 1980s practically memorized during their days off from school.

Justin already covered the disturbing “One-Eyed Willy” aspect of this film, and I don’t want to get into the bike-rider getting pulled along by a car thing (which I was deathly afraid of when I got my first bike despite not living within ten miles of big valleys to drive off into), so I can only cover how magical Goonies is. And magical is the only way to describe this film. It teaches us how special friendship is. It teaches us to never give up on a quest just because others doubt us, and that when the going gets rough you should in turn get tough.

Uh, what the hell else does this teach us? Enjoy every kiss you get, even if theoretically the kiss isn’t meant for you. Make sure you have a friend who can build anything, like that Richard Dean Anderson guy. If you find a pirate map, follow it. There’s probably more, but who cares? Just enjoy the movie! If your childhood wasn’t like this, you can watch this over and over until this film overtakes your real memories. Thanks, Goonies!

Intermission!

• When Chunk is on the phone with the sheriff or cop or whoever that guy is, the authority figure mentions a bunch of wild stories Chunk has told. One of the things he mentions is something about “the little monsters who go crazy when they get wet” or something to that tune – monsters which sound suspiciously like Gremlins. Corey Feldman, who played Mouth, was also in Gremlins. [thanks Ashley T.]
• Andie says she can’t tell if a note is A sharp or B flat. But on a piano (or organ or whatever) A sharp and B flat are the same key. [thanks Erin E.]
• There are 20 S-words in this flick
• The model ship seen sailing at the film’s end has a miniature R2-D2 hidden on the deck.
• Director Richard Donner is one of the sheriffs on the quads as the Goonies exit the cave with the ship. He’s the one with the gray hair.
• Data’s belt has “007” inscribed on it. He also listens to the James Bond theme before sliding on the rope over to Mikey’s.
• Mouth (Corey Feldman) wears a “Purple Rain” t-shirt throughout the film.
• At the climax of the film, Sloth pulls off his shirt, revealing a Superman shirt and the theme music from the Superman movies is heard. Richard Donner also directed Superman and part of its sequel.
• The Goonies Oath that was cut out goes as follows: “I will never betray my goon dock friends / We will stick together until the whole world ends / Through heaven and hell, and nuclear war / Good pals like us, will stick like tar / In the city, or the country, or the forest, or the boonies / I am proudly declared a fellow Goony.”
• The pirate ship was entirely real. All the shots were filmed in the ship, not on separate stages. After the film, it was offered to anyone who would take it, but sadly, no one wanted it, so the ship was chopped into scraps.
• During the scene where the boys are sitting in the living room watching MTV, they were not actually watching the Cyndi Lauper “Good Enough” video, which was to be developed six months after filming wrapped up.
• Jeff Cohen got the chicken pox after he got the role of Chunk. He showed up to the set anyway, afraid that they would have replaced him otherwise.
• Sloth’s makeup included a remote controlled eye. He had to time his blinking to match the blinks of the robotic eye. A crew-member would countdown from three, two, one and tell him to blink.
• The cast were not permitted to see the pirate ship before the filming of the scene where they find it, probably to maintain a level of surprise.
• Producer Steven Spielberg directed at least one scene in this movie.

Groovy Quotes

Troy’s dad: Is your mommy home?
Brand: No, actually she’s out at the market buying Pampers for all us kids.

Stef: This is ridiculous. It’s crazy. I feel like I’m babysitting, except I’m not getting paid.

[The Fratellis are interrogating Chunk]
Jake: Tell us everything!
Chunk: When I was in third grade, I cheated on my history test. When I was in fourth grade, I stole my uncle Joseph’s toupee and glued it to my face, because I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. When I was in fifth grade, I pushed my sister Edie down the stairs and blamed it on the dog. [beginning to cry] When I was in sixth grade, I did the worst thing ever. I made this pot of fake puke at home and I brought it to the movies up on the balcony and I made this sound—hua-hua-huaaaaaaa—and I dumped the puke over the side. And, oh this is awful, everyone started getting sick, throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.
Jake: I’m beginning to like this kid!

Brand: Forget about any adventures, limp lungs. I let you out and mom’ll ground my ass and I got a date with Andie on Friday, alright?
Mouth: You’re dreamin’ dude. There’s no way! Cause that means her mom’s gotta drive and then you gotta make it with her and her mom.

Mikey: I got a feeling about this one.
Data: You always have a feeling, Mikey. Everytime you have a feeling, you get us in trouble.
Mikey: Get us in trouble? You’re the one who always gets us in trouble, double-0 negative.

Stef: Brand, God put that rock there for a purpose and, um, I’m not so sure you should, um, move it.

[when they find the wishing well]
Data: Wow. It’s a giant piggy bank!

[examing coins in the well]
Mouth: President Lincoln……George Washington…….Martin Sheen.
Stef: Martin Sheen?!?! That’s President Kennedy, you idiot!
Mouth: Well, same difference. I mean, he played Kennedy once.

Andie: I can’t tell if it’s an A-sharp or a B-flat.
Mikey: If you hit the wrong note, we’ll all be flat.

Sloth: HEY YOU GUYS!!!!

Everyone: That’s what I said!

Mouth: [to Rosita, subtitled in spanish] The marijuana goes in the top drawer, the cocaine and the speed in the middle draw, and the heroin in the bottom. Always separate the drugs…. Don’t go up there. It’s filled with Mr. Walsh’s sexual torture devices… If you do a bad job, we will lock you in the closet with the cockroaches for two weeks without food or water.
Mrs. Walsh: Okay Rosie, okay? You’re going to be very happy here!
Rosalita: [in spanish] I’m in a crazy house!

Mikey: Goonies never say die!

Stef: These are somebody else’s wishes. They’re somebody else’s dreams.
Mouth: Yeah, but you know what? This one, this one right here. This was my dream, my wish. And it didn’t come true. So I’m taking it back. I’m taking them all back.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Gremlins
• Raiders of the Lost Ark
• The Baby-Sitters Club