“This stuff is way beyond Ouija boards.”

Justin’s rating: The ’90s really showed us that there was no franchise that it wouldn’t sequelize, didn’t it?

Justin’s review: Coming at the Pumpkinhead franchise fresh, I was drawn to the sequel on the merits of its title alone. Blood seems less-than-optimal for functioning flight devices, although Pumpkinhead II: Synthetic Sailcloth doesn’t instill that proper amount of terror.

In 1958, a gang of teens beat up and murder a deformed kid named Tommy who just so happens to be the son of Pumpkinhead.* Over three decades later, another group of teenage delinquents decide that it’d be a hoot to resurrect Tommy for unspecified reasons. Oh, this is after they run over Tommy’s adopted mother, the blind witch of the woods. This resurrection, unsurprisingly, goes poorly for everyone involved, and now we’ve got a killer on the loose with a taste for revenge.

The town’s new sheriff, who I immediately dubbed “Poor Man’s Tom Skerritt,” finds himself embroiled in the hunt for this supernatural slasher, while his rebellious daughter Jenny (Ami Dolenz, Ticks) gets caught up with the bad crowd. As Pumpkinhead 2.0 begins dismembering people left and right, the sheriff has to contend with a headstrong judge who’s all about forming shotgun posses for a demon hunt.

Pumpkinhead II has little interest in carrying forth the unique supernatural flair of Pumpkinhead, instead mining the property for a recognizable monster to go on a murder hunt and draw in some of the horror faithful. It’s awkward and stilted and full of unintentionally goofy scenes, which makes it good for some point-and-laugh moments.

This film is probably best known for its strange collection of familiar names and faces: Bill Clinton’s half-brother Roger, Punky Brewster herself Soleil Moon Frye, scream queen Linnea Quigley, and Joe Unger. Oh, and some dude named Kane Hodder, but you’ve probably never heard of him. Doesn’t make the film good, but it is notable.

Basically, this is a big monster movie where the creature is powered by revenge. The creature suit is well-done, and it certainly doesn’t waste time carving a path through this small community with some over-the-top kills (why tear off one limb when people come with four limbs? And a head?). There’s no depth here, or a great twist waiting in the wings. The question is only how many of the old and new gangs of thugs are going to get it.

Because there are some really, really unlikable people in this movie — kids and adults alike — which made me wonder more than once why the sheriff didn’t give up his badge and move back to the city away from these inbred hillbilly jerks.

This is the kind of movie you’d feel pretty daring if you were a kid in the ’90s and able to rent this without your parents knowing, even if it wasn’t that scary or well-made. I found it to be running on the fumes of 1980s slashers, amusing in an ironic sense but unforgivably clumsy. Sure, Pumpkinhead got a couple more direct-to-video sequels, but this was effectively the end of an aborted franchise, and it’s not hard to see why.

*Do not, I repeat, do not ask any logistical questions about this. No answers are supplied in any case.

Intermission!

• Believe it or not, this movie got a video game adaptation — a Doom clone that came out in 1995 and was played by pretty much no one.
• What a remarkably chill main theme, I dig it
• 1958 flashbacks are in black-and-white at a log cabin, so maybe this is 1858?
• The mayor looks like Woody Harrelson with a curly-haired mullet… and he plays in a band. I love this guy.
• Hey, it’s the Book of the Dead prop from Army of Darkness!
• “These eyes can see more than you know, boy.”
• Shovel-cam
• The goofy scarecrow shot — you’ll know it when you see it
• That’s a lot of hanging butchered meat in a non-refrigerated barn
• That judge sure loves taking his glasses off and putting them on again
• Double-dream fakeout! How about we go for a triple…?
• Country music over a death scene doesn’t carry the right kind of vibes
• At least we got a good Linnea Quigley scream out of this
• “One step away from being… scared to death.”
• “A little buckshot solves a lot of problems.”
• This movie is speed-running redneck tropes, right down to “sleeping with your sister”
• Haha the chickens pecking the guy’s face to death
• Maybe you lost the witch because nobody was checking in on her when she was thrashing around screaming all the time?
• She’s very talkative for a dead woman
• So Pumpkinhead got into his house, drew like four dozen wings in blood (whose blood?) all over the walls, left quietly, and then came back in by kicking down the door? That was the order of events?
• Wow, that is some decapitation