“Gar, are you still a good marksman?”

Drake’s rating: Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the ski lodge

Drake’s review: They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If so, then Jaws has been flattered on a scale unapproachable by any other movie, save perhaps The Road Warrior. Let’s face it, Steven Spielberg’s classic shark movie spawned an embarrassment of imitators that took the concept of an unknown beast terrorizing a small community and ran with it into every theater, drive-in and video store that they could find. Piranha, grizzly bears and giant squid all had their turn in the title roles, menacing B-movie actors as they rampaged through lakes, forests and oceans in their attempts to follow up on the success of the mega-blockbuster of 1975.

But what those other movies were missing was something in the Sasquatchian realm, which is where Snowbeast comes in. And that makes a lot of sense, considering that Squatchsploitation was also going strong in the ‘70s, with various movies, TV shows, and pseudo-documentaries featuring the mysterious cryptid all crowding the airwaves. So having a Bigfoot, or at least his Colorado cousin, step into the even larger footprints of Bruce the shark made complete sense, right?

Well…

There are a few problems right from the start, with the first being that Snowbeast was made for television, premiering as a Thursday Night Movie on NBC. So right away you know that this thing is going to have a limited budget and absolutely minimal violence and/or gore. Which means that a single bloody hand will be playing the part of Ben Gardner’s bobbing head in this particular Jaws knock-off.

Which is fine, that’s to be expected, right? But what’s less expected, especially for a flick that really, really wants to be a creature feature, is that the snowbeast itself is rarely seen. Oh, sure, there’s a furry arm here and a quick mug for the camera there, and we get a large, threatening shadow in a few scenes, but that’s really about it. It feels like the producers were so busy photocopying the Jaws script and hiring veteran actors that they simply forgot about needing an actual snowbeast until filming began. And then they decided that, hey, maybe tracking shots of skiers accompanied by menacing music and the occasional bestial growl will be good enough.

Then they saw the dailies, came to the conclusion that they did need a snowbeast after all, and had Mrs. Kelly’s third grade class put one together out of papier-mâché and white crepe hair as a one-day project. I just hope those kids were careful with the glue gun.

So what we end up with is a ski lodge owned by Carrie Rill (Sylvia Sidney, Mars Attacks!) and managed by her grandson Tony (Robert Logan, Jr.) because his parents were eaten by a snowbeast. OK, no, I’m making that up. I have no idea why the ski lodge management is skipping a generation but to be fair, neither does the movie. But in any event, Tony is up to his ears in skiers as well as attendees for the upcoming Winter Carnival, the biggest bash the Centennial State has ever seen, at least according to Carrie. And we all know that there’s no way it will be canceled due to the threat of a snowbeast.

Arriving at the ski lodge looking for a job is Tony’s old friend Gar Seberg (Bo Svenson, Speed 2: Cruise Control), a former Olympic champion skier, and Gar’s wife Ellen (Yvette Mimieux, Where the Boys Are), a journalist who has A PAST with Tony. Fortunately nothing comes of that storyline, as everyone’s an adult here and Snowbeast wants to be a monster flick, and not a daytime drama.

Well, that may be what it wants, but Snowbeast really lacks the behind-the-scenes know-how to make that kind of movie work, so instead of a rampaging beast terrorizing the locals we get a lot of skiing, a lot of talking and a tiny bit of mayhem when the snowbeast learns that it’s not going to be the Winter Carnival queen, and lopes onto the scene to wreak nearly thirty seconds of fairly restrained havoc.

Honestly, though, all the winner got a tiara that was pretty unimpressive even before it was stepped on in the crowded dash for the door. The snowbeast ain’t missing out on much.

Still, ruining the one thing that’s kept Carrie Rill alive all these years is not without repercussions, so Gar, Ellen, and Tony decided to take the creature down once and for all. Never mind that Tony’s already been finding the remains of dead skiers who’ve crossed the snowbeast’s path, we’re talking the Winter Carnival here! Lines have been crossed!

Teaming up with Quint, er… the local sheriff (Clint Walker, The Dirty Dozen), the group tracks down the snowbeast looking for some payback. And by “track down” I mean “wait around in their camper until it shows up and attacks from afar” because it’s cold out, the actors are getting cranky, and everyone is obviously ready for this shoot to be over with so they can go back to Los Angeles and get out into the sun again.

Or the smog. This is 1977, after all.

Don’t count on any big reveals of the snowbeast for the finale, though. The work of third graders only goes so far.

Snowbeast is one of the lesser Jaws knock-offs, and there is honestly no reason to seek it out. That said, for some reason I also find this one a lot of fun. The script is unimaginative, the direction is uninspired if competent, and the creature effects are all but nonexistent. Still, the scenery is great, there are some nice skiing sequences tucked in here and there, and the actors are all solid. That shouldn’t be enough to make Snowbeast watchable, yet somehow it is.

Granted, it’s no Piranha. Or even a Grizzly. OK, maybe it’s a Tentacles. But Snowbeast does prove that the tried & true Jaws formula works, even on a TV movie that has a lot of snow but lacks much of a beast.

Intermission!

• Yeah, if I hear a fierce growling from the nearby woods, I’m skiing off as quickly as possible too.
• If I could ski, that is.
• Man, the Winter Carnival really is at the center of this town’s universe.
• That kid has a thousand yard stare. He’s see some stuff.
• Ah, the old “hide the bodies in an abandoned cabin” trick. This snowbeast is a wily one.
• Tony’s all, “Hey, Gar, you still a good shot? NO REASON.”
• The sparsely-attended Winter Carnival must go on!
• Panic! Cue much screaming.
• Not the tiara! Nooooo!
• Guys, that’s a bear. It doesn’t look even remotely like a snowbeast.
• It’s man vs. beast. Well, snowbeast.
• Inventive use of a ski pole. I’m going to give that an A for originality.