“Sometimes I feel like this has been my whole life. Running. Killing.”

Justin’s rating: (sings) zombie dogs in the waaaaater

Justin’s review: Way back in the day, nearly a quarter-century ago, we here at Mutant Reviewers became a bit enamored with a hokey scifi/horror/video game/Paul WS Anderson joint called Resident Evil. It had a so-so sequel. And then Anderson and his wife Milla Jovovich kept on making them until 2016, with six movies in all, it wrapped up.

I don’t think I’ve seen anyone have a kind word for this series after the second movie, but for some reason, Hollywood kept on financing them. Oh, it’s because they made an insane amount of money — this one a whopping $312M on a $40M budget — even though they got no end of hate. Heck, we tapped out on watching and reviewing these after the fifth one around 2013, which tells you why nobody looked me in the eye when I said, “Guys, c’mon, we need to finish this series! Please? I’ll let you drive the MutantMobile!”

No takers, so here I am. Let’s wrap this up and pretend that the MutantMobile isn’t an AMC Gremlin with an ambitious paint job.

I’m not going to go read up on Volumes 1 through 14 of the Resident Evil Movie Lorebooks, because those don’t exist and the actual story was written on a bar napkin somewhere. All we need know is that there are barely 4,000 people left alive in the world and the Red Queen AI computer offers Alice (Jovovich) one last chance to fix this global mess by returning to Raccoon City, finding some sort of airborne antivirus, and activating it to kill every zombie everywhere. Oh, she’s got some arbitrary 48 hours to pull this off, but that’s just for — pause — dramatic effect.

Alice goes on a post-apocalyptic road trip, makes some new best buds out of the 4,000 people remaining in the entire world (she seems to bump into a statistically unlikely 200 or so of them) and takes the fight to the Umbrella Corporation. This brings us back to where it all started in the first movie, deep into The Hive with all of its fantastically unrealistic death traps and clone factories that make Stormtrooper assembly lines look restrained.

But before that happens, we get a castle siege with flaming trebuchets, a flip-flopping AI girl, and resurrected characters because this is the final chapter and they can do whatever they darn well please even if it makes no sense.

I want to pause this review for a moment to ask you a question — do you have a headache right now? No? Would you like one? Because if you watch Resident Evil: The Final Chapter, that’s a handshake guarantee from the filmmakers.

That’s because this entire movie is made out of a ridiculous number of micro shots, rapid cuts, and swoopy zooms. It’s impossible for your brain to process all of the hyperactive transitions, so headache city next stop. The nearly two-hour movie almost never stops with this style, which is simply obnoxious.

And that’s a shame, because there are a lot of things that look interesting here if the film would just slow down and let you look at and process and admire them. I thought Michael Bay at the height of his powers was bad, but whew, that was just a warm-up to what is a strobe effect of images in The Final Chapter. This film should’ve had an epilepsy warning slapped at the front end.

Another point of contention is how there’s some pretty awful CGI work in certain spots. I know, that’s a staple with this series from the very start, but it doesn’t make it any more palpable.

All too often, filmmakers see “video game movies” as opportunities for spectacle with zero story or characterization. That didn’t change in this sixth film. It’s spectacle all the way where every character is competing to see if they can look cooler than the lead.

But can you top Alice with her sawed-off shotgun? I think not. Jovovich is the biggest reason to watch this movie — and this series — and she carries all six films as an unstoppable big damn action hero.

I was prepared to hate The Final Chapter going into it, but as it progressed, I actually warmed up to its sense of mindless fun. It’s basically a big ol’ video game cutscene where you press “F” to replay the events of the first movie. But hey, it was more interesting than some other scifi/horror franchises in their final installments, and that’s probably because there was running continuity with the actors and director all the way through, even if retcons are the order of the day. It’s a journey with a start, middle, and finish.

If you can put up with the flickering camera cuts, there’s a ridiculous zombie popcorn flick that’s trying its hardest to end a silly series on a high note. You may grudgingly approve as I did.

Intermission!

• So many rapid zoom cuts Michael Bay is in shock
• There is a chained zombie in the Reflecting Pool, so… FYI if you go to Washington DC
• Dot matrix printers can be creepy, I guess
• 4,472 humans left on the planet, that’s not going to be great for procreation
• Alice makes for a fun pinata, you can rent her for birthday parties
• Umbrella motorcycles can shock you into a dream sequence if you’re not careful
• “I killed you.” “Yet here I am.”
• Hey, it’s a trendy Head Box! With a see-through window!
• That’s a huge number of running zombies
• That’s one way to… get a hand… with your motorcycle problem
• Everyone gets into a Mexican standoff so easily
• The hung zombies moving around is a nice touch
• Wait, why would so many survivors remain in Raccoon City?
• Maybe lower a ladder or rope for the one survivor on the run instead of opening the entire gate?
• The giant flaming skyscraper is pretty dang cool, whether or not it makes sense
• Kids, ask your parents for Zip Line Alice this Christmas!
• It’s that fun corridor of giant spinning death blades that every fortress has!
• Wesker’s so cool he wears his sunglasses at night. He also looks like a plastic CGI character.
• Umbrella Corp makes officially licensed chainsaws
• It’s the laser hallway from the first movie!
• Now we’re previewing fight scenes? Uh, what’s the point?
• “You’re dying. Just get on with it.”