“I saw her drink the battery juice from your Honda!”

Justin’s rating: From meet-cute to matrimony in 12 hours?

Justin’s review: One day, I was walking down a street and a shadowy figure pulled me into a dark alley. “Hey loser,” he rasped between harsh wet coughs. “Want to see an ’80s scifi romcom that features two future members of Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s cast? And a Ghostbuster?”

“Oh boy do I!” I said, forgetting all about my son I was supposed to pick up. “Lead me to this magical land, oh alley wizard! And I think a part of your nose just fell off!”

This may be why my wife doesn’t entrust me with anything important any more, but I get cult movies like My Stepmother is an Alien in exchange, so who’s winning at life, huh?

In this oddball flick, Dan Aykroyd (Sneakers) plays Steven Mills, a scientist who sends a destructive signal deep into space that ends up causing so much damage on an alien world that they think it’s under attack. The aliens send a spy — Celeste (Kim Basinger, Batman ’89) — to revert the damage via science experiment. And then fry our planet.

Fortunately for your weekend plans, Celeste kind of falls in love with spacey Steven and marries him, even though she’s clearly an alien to anyone with half a brain. But scientists have a full brain, so Steven is oblivious. More suspicious, however, is Steven’s daughter Jessie (Alyson Hannigan, American Pie), who arrives at the obvious conclusion and makes a movie title out of it.

As Celeste does suspicious things like talk to her advising eyeball stalk (that she keeps in a purse), quote pop culture references out of context, and drink battery acid, most people give her a pass because she’s, like, totally pretty and stuff. And let me tell you how much this movie goes out of its way to fetishize Basinger. It’s kind of cringy in points.

In the meanwhile, we’ll play a game of “oh hey, it’s that actor!” Like Seth Green (Can’t Hardly Wait), Juliette Lewis (Christmas Vacation), and especially Jon Lovitz (The Wedding Singer). In fact, Lovitz kind of steals the movie here with his nutty overacting and trademark weirdness.

As is often the case in movies that try to cram in a lot of ideas and genres without a firm vision, My Stepmother is an Alien suffers from being a mess. It’s an interesting mess, even an entertaining one, but it never has all four wheels on the rails at any given time. The comedy is probably the weakest aspect — it’s merely whimsical as Basinger plays up Celeste’s inherent obliviousness — and there’s just zero chemistry between Aykroyd and Basinger. There’s also a huge thing with Jimmy Durante that sounds like a writer pushing his archaic obsession on us.

On the other hand, we’ve got an alien with a magic purse that can produce anything and fling people telepathically out of buildings, a sassy talking eyeball stalk, Jon Lovitz being a total goofball, some light scifi plot elements and special effects, and so much ’80s pouring out of this movie that I couldn’t stand it. And an Alan Silvestri score is never unwelcome (it’s more Flight of the Navigator synthy when it’s not being romcom schmaltzy).

Outside of the dull romance, Basinger actually has a lot of fun in this fish-out-of-water tale, and that makes her endearing to watch. We do root for her to join Team Humanity and be the loving stepmom to Willow. She gets a few good laughs here and there and is generally likable, which goes a long way.

I’m really torn on My Stepmother is an Alien, because it’s neither a good nor a bad movie — but a swirly mix of both sides of the spectrum. I don’t hate that I saw it, but I don’t ever think that I’ll feel the urge to see it again, if that makes sense.

Intermission!

• I love it when a movie has a stylized logo (as this one does)
• Alan Silvestri score, yay
• It takes 92 years for this signal to get to where it’s going, it’s probably going to be a long film
• Let’s stare at Kim Basinger’s lower leg for a good long while
• I don’t think any girl in history would be this excited to tell her dad that she’s wearing a bra
• That’s a lot of cigarette butts at a party, but this was the ’80s
• “Hey hey we’re the Monkees” this might be the only time that was ever used as a come-on
• “I must be boring the pants off you.” “Nope, they’re still there.”
• Dan Aykroyd’s kiss face is the stuff of nightmares
• Her bag can manufacture anything, I guess it’s a 3D printer
• Even aliens have Google and YouTube searches
• This kissing scene goes on forever. Just forever.
• “How old does she look?” “Six. 700. Just short.”
• Magic purse does a lot of VHS porn “Busy girl, that Debbie.”
• Celeste brings a wind machine and spotlight with her, apparently
• She can read with her arm and doesn’t like The Shining
• How did he assemble so many people, chairs, and outfits for a wedding the day after he met Celeste?
• “You’re digging your own grave, Fido.”
• Well that was a fast wedding
• Jon Lovitz getting his hot and steamy kiss there
• Seeing an incredibly young Seth Green go out on a date with Alyson Hannigan years before the two would date (well, their characters) in Buffy is a trip
• Braces = mouth jewelry
• Harry Shearer — from Simpsons — doing the Carl Sagan voice
• $416 for groceries in 1988, egads. Trying to pay with a diamond and a $1000 bill, ha.
• That is the biggest breakfast ever — even the dog gets tons extra
• Don’t arm wrestle an alien
• Dog on mute
• That’s a really big eyeball
• Ending on a musical number is a real choice, there