“There’s no known cure for puberty.”

Justin’s rating: Is it wrong that I only want a movie starring these two squabbling married immigrants?

Justin’s review: I always felt a little bad for Jon Cryer. He’s a member of the John Hughes generation who always had brushes with greatness but never managed to make it as a comedic headliner. “Second fiddle” is how I’d label him. Second fiddle in Pretty in Pink, second fiddle in Hot Shots, and extremely second fiddle in Superman IV*.

But what does it look like when Jon Cryer takes the helm and drives his own cinematic ship? To answer that, we’ll scoot over to the virtually unheard-of Morgan Stewart’s Coming Home, a movie that’s already listing to port due to its unwieldy title.

Cryer is Morgan, a cocky yet earnest troublemaker at a preppy boarding school. When he gets into trouble once too many times, he is sent home to reconnect with his parents and, like, live there. The thing is, his parents are big into the political scene and have little time for a son — hence why he was at boarding school.

So Morgan’s desperate for real family, even though his senator dad has drifted away from him and his mother is the absolute worst control freak (and it’s revealed that they bring Morgan home only to use him as a tool in the re-election campaign). So nobody’s quite where they want to be in life. Thus, get ready for forced bonding and relational reconnection between an achingly lonely kid and his two aloof parental units.

This homecoming is marked by Morgan trying to figure out ways to get his parents to really notice and care about him, thwart the evil campaign manager (The Breakfast Club’s Paul Gleeson) — and maybe noticing and caring about that cute girl (Viveka Davis, one of the womynists from PCU) at the mall who shares Morgan’s love slasher flicks.

See, that’s Morgan’s big thing: He’s a huge horror movie buff, so this movie spends a lot of time referencing the “classics” (as of 1987), including Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Dawn of the Dead, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, and Psycho. It’s a good character trait that gives Cryer a little more to do with his character and is still pretty relatable, so that part gets a big thumbs up from me.

Jon Cryer might never have been leading man material, but he is really likable here as a younger teen (apparently, he filmed this before Pretty in Pink). And the film does pick up once Emily enters the picture, which makes me think that it should’ve mostly been about that relationship and not the parents/son stuff. Unfortunately, this story leans too hard into the mom being the Worst Ever without enough comeuppance, and that tilts the balance off. It’s infuriating how neglectful and unloving these parents have been, and even more infuriating how Morgan is desperately chasing after them instead of yelling at them.

The problem is that Morgan Stewart’s Coming Home never aspires or attains the status of being anything more than Ferris Bueller-lite. Lite-lite. And it’s probably a disservice to your expectations to make that comparison, but everyone does, so I feel compelled to as well. Morgan needed to be a little more assertive and whip-smart to step up to Bueller status, and his movie needed to be better than a cludgy group of scenes that technically gets the job done but not in an especially slick way.

There are some fun touches and moments in this movie — Morgan and Emily being a pair with great chemistry is one, and the chaotic chase at the end is another — but this movie actually should be called Everyone Dumps on Morgan Stewart. The sheer meanness that’s aimed at this character is hard to watch and turns this into a regrettable exercise. Maybe it’s not Alan Smithee-worthy as it was attributed, but it’s definitely a missed opportunity.

*To be fair, everyone — even Superman himself — was second fiddle in that movie. There were no First Fiddles in Quest for Peace.

Intermission!

• This was directed by Paul Aaron and Terry Winsor, who elected to use the “Alan Smithee” evasion instead
• I’m really digging all of Morgan’s horror decorations in his room — seeing a horror geek on screen was only starting to become a thing (anyone remember Summer School that same year?)
• Nice political ad font and color choice for the credits
• That is a LOT of water property damage happening
• “We did it! We did it! …we didn’t do it.”
• Friends give each other Texas Chainsaws as parting gifts (signed by Tobe Hooper)
• Heading home by helicopter is a cool way to go (although the gardener raking doesn’t appreciate it)
• “This must be where they keep the iguanas.”
• “He seems like a nice boy. He’ll never survive in this household.”
• That’s a lot of plaid in the bedroom
• INSERT KID HERE
• She really hates eating meat for a Republican
• Morgan grinning at the nude statue was funny
• “Ignorance sleeps beside me at night farting like sick goose!”
• “Stop sneaking around like a hyperactive handyman!”
• Touring around this ’80s mall was like nostalgia stabbing me in the heart. Waldenbooks! The Gap! An actual open mall!
• That’s one way to cut in line
• Is that George A Romero or a body double?
• In love or on drugs? You make the call.
• Morgan’s dad looks like Mr. Rogers in the sweater
• Could you really go see Attack of the Killer Tomatoes in theaters in 1987?
• Skiing down the Lincoln Memorial steps
• That’s a huge security camera
• That’s the most full Arby’s I’ve ever seen
• That fountain is deep enough to swim in
• Teens in a PG-13 movie shower in their underwear and wearing horror masks
• About time he started smashing cameras
• Wait, that chainsaw was FUNCTIONAL?
• The bank manager has the weirdest voice
• “I’d like to grab them by their ears and puke in their faces!”