“Now it’s death time!”

Justin’s rating: I’m not a motorcycle kind of guy, but this did make me drool a bit for the Norton Commando. Beautiful plumage, that.

Justin’s review: Whenever you purchase a used vehicle, it’s always a good idea to get a Carfax report on the history of it. Maybe you find out that it was in a fender-bender or that a raccoon conceived and delivered a litter of babies in the back seat. Or — and I’m just tossing out a hypothetical here — that it’s contracted a spirit of vampirism during a gang fight between bikers and satanists.

I mean, you’d want to know that. It’s going to make a difference on the resale value.

In America, we had a killer car movie with Christine from the mind of Stephen King. In Britain, they had I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle with C3PO’s Anthony Daniels. I think both sides of the Atlantic lost.

Noddy (Neil Morrissey), a professional bad boyfriend with a ponytail and courier service, purchases this slightly battle-damaged Norton Commando motorcycle without knowing that it contains the spirit of a blood-guzzling evil being. He fixes it up, but instead of being grateful and turning to the light side of the Force, the bike starts gunning for all of the people in Noddy’s life.

Vampercycle really leans hard into the classic motifs of being a vampire, sporting “fangs” (sharpened handlebars), hunting at night, and finding garlic repulsive even though it has no nose. But it’s also just a general killing machine, with spikes and rods and a chompy mouth.

It’s safe to say that things start weird and escalate to the bizarre in record time. There’s a talking turd, an exorcist who used to be a protocol droid back in the day, a sword fight in a bar (with a very ’80s tune providing energy), a dog eaten by said bike, an exorcism, and a lot of implausible deaths via shape-shifting motorcycle.

Allegedly, the filmmakers were inspired to make this after watching Sam Raimi’s The Evil Dead. I guess the intersection of black humor and Three Stooges-style murder and mayhem appealed (not to mention the first-person bike-o-vision), and this odd blend was the result.

Unfortunately, this movie can’t seem to fully deliver on laughs and characters to back up the absurd premise and become the next Evil Dead. Or Dead Alive. Or even Monty Python.

Noddy should be a lot more quippy and funny, but he mostly spends his time being a low-key jerk to his girlfriend and ignoring the fact that he’s riding a murder weapon with a mind of its own. And when the bike drives itself on its night prowls, it’s neither scary nor funny but fakey, with the camera just high enough that you can’t see the dolly pulling it along.

Still, it’s a Vampercycle on a rampage and a willingness to embrace any opportunity to go over-the-top.* I wanted more out of it overall, but I was reasonably entertained by its tipsy British attitude. Plus, it gave me all the excuse I needed to strut down sidewalks the next day with the cocky air of a man who’s seen a movie that few have dared to endure.

*Not to mention that it’s leagues better than Murdercycle.

Intermission!

• Satanists like to wear red vests
• “Surprise!”
• That’s one sweet animated evil soul
• The bike’s gas meter goes to full when it drinks blood?
• Bike murders make an awful mess when they kill inside
• The inspector is so very oily
• HEAD IN A BAG
• The talking turd — best supporting actor nominee for 1990
• The casket in the sidecar
• Don’t bring crossbows into bars on general principle
• Axe Guy truly loves what he does
• “Who ordered a packet of crisps?”
• Kim does a pretty impressive cartwheel on the table
• Vampire bikes don’t like garlic prawns
• “Is there anybody there?” she asks to an alley where a hulking motorcycle is following her
• The flying dentures
• The bike’s headlight turns into a chomping mouth
• Priests drive motorized trykes
• If you get your fingers chopped off, the hospital will slap on a bandage and you’ll be walking around that very hour
• Catholic priests use crucifix ninja throwing stars
• Headfirst through a window and into a coffin