“Sarah, it’s time to go. Everybody is Looney Tunes around here.”

Drake’s rating: The residents of Purgatory better hope Blade never finds this place

Drake’s review: So if you’re a vampire (and I’m not saying you’re not) and you had that traditional cinematic vulnerability to the sun, why in the world would you pack up your bags and move from your cozy Gothic mansion in Chicago (or wherever) to the deserts of the American Southwest? It just seems like a bad idea, what with all of that unobstructed sunlight beaming down. Still, the Southwestern town of Purgatory is home to scores of vampires, who have gathered under the purview of Count Mardulak (David Carradine, Death Race 2000) to live their unlives separate from humanity.

But to survive, the vampires need more than sunglasses and crates of sunblock. They also need a food source, which is where David Harrison (Jim Metzler, Circuitry Man) comes in. The vampires have been working on refining artificial blood, but there are still issues with the process, which David is there to fix.

But the artificial blood factory isn’t David’s only problem in Purgatory. His personal and professional rival, Shane (Maxwell Caulfield, Empire Records) is managing the factory and in general being a world-class jerk.

There’s also a Van Helsing running around, which makes things a bit awkward since he immediately has heart eyes for Sandy (Deborah Foreman, Valley Girl), a recently-turned vampire. And since Robert Van Helsing is played by Bruce Campbell, she shoots little heart eyes right back at him. This is a good thing since she needs his help when an underground movement of vampires, tired of fake blood and hiding out in the desert, rebels against Mardulak.

Oh, and there’s also the couple who get captured by the vampires, and Harrison’s precocious young daughters (one of whom may be Shane’s) and…

Look, there’s a lot going on with this movie. Honestly, there’s too much going on with this movie. Between vampiric civil wars, child psychics, Western shoot-outs and a misplaced marital melodrama, Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat is one overstuffed flick. It’s not a bad one, but it is wildly uneven and the performances are all over the map.

Foreman is cute as a button, of course, and her pairing with Campbell is an energetic one. In fact, you’re left wishing that they were the main attraction here, but instead the movie relies far too heavily on the characters of David and his wife Sarah (Morgan Brittany, Death Car on the Freeway), and the intrusions into their marriage by Shane, who Caulfield plays as a skeevy Rex Manning. None of them are bad, but they’re effectively characters from different movies shoved together with interwoven plotlines that mesh together like overcooked spaghetti.

And don’t get me started on the Old West shootout that takes up far too much screen time, as the vampire factions blaze away at each other and the wood bullets fly. While the incredible powers of the vampires are mentioned on several occasions, it seems that it’s just easier to film them dressing up in dusters and blazing away with six-shooters.

Still, Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat has that weird, irresistible energy unique to small films with neophyte directors. Anxious to throw in every idea it can, it doesn’t know when to stop. But at the same time, that desire to throw everything at the audience with all the restraint of an eager-to-please puppy makes it more fun than it really ought to be. It might be a bit of a mess, but it’s a movie that wants you to just sit back, grab the popcorn and have a good time.

Honestly, I’ll take that over big-budget corporate product any day of the week.

Intermission!

• Co-writer and director Anthony Hickox was the creative mind behind the Waxwork films. He also directed Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth. That’s right, the one with the CD Cenobite.
• Can bats talk? Even if they’re vampire bats?
• The fake blood looks like chunky yogurt. I think the rebellious vampires may have a point about not wanting to drink that stuff.
• And speaking of the rebel vampires, couldn’t they just leave? It doesn’t seem like Mardulak is holding them captive. Maybe armed insurrection is just a normal debating tactic in vampire communities.
• There’s covert plotting, vampire-on-vampire violence, Bruce Campbell delightfully overacting, and then boom! Sarah and David are having a Lifetime Movie moment.
• We’ve had slapstick comedy, kid-movie high jinks, light action, melodrama, and now we have a straight-up Western, complete with an accompanying soundtrack. This movie is all over the place.
• Gah, Shane is such a creep! It almost makes me want to sit out Rex Manning Day this year.