“I’m gonna make sure that nobody ever forgets.”

Justin’s rating: But what happened to Denver? I bet they have some cool gangs there too!

Justin’s review: It’s 1990. The price of gas is $1.16 a gallon. Vanilla Ice and Marky Mark are beginning their unstoppable rise to rap dominance. Everyone’s high on neon colors and Gameboys, and The Simpsons and Star Trek: The Next Generation are coming into their prime.

During this bleak and unrelenting hellscape, the Bronx is declared a law-free zone that’s abandoned to gangs. Seems like that’s a pretty defeatist attitude by the government, but maybe it’s to make the other boroughs look better in comparison. It’s here that a teenager named Ann flees when she finds out — to her utter horror — that she’s going to inherit a massive corporation and become filthy rich.*

As we pause to let sympathy for this poor child fill our hearts, Ann becomes the willing prisoner of the many thematically cool gangs of the Bronx and captures the eye of Trash, the leader of the Riders**, probably the only good guys this flick has — and they’re not that good. There’s a lot of politics flowing between the gangs, and Ann’s presence exacerbates the already tense scene.

To make matters even more chaotic, the arms company in question sends in the completely ruthless Hammer (Vic Morrow) to retrieve Ann so that she can be the puppet figurehead that they desire. So it’s gang vs gang vs corporation, and this town’ll never be the same after.

You’re already probably thinking that all of this sounds a lot like The Warriors mixed with Escape from New York, and yeah, you’re not far off base. Director Enzo G. Castellari (The Last Shark) was shameless with his “inspirations” as he pumped out his bargain basement entertainment.

Even so, Castellari clearly worked hard to give The Bronx Warriors a lot of visual flair, with plenty of creative little camera flourishes and close-ups abounding throughout this runtime. Style and cool ooze out of all of these gangs, but not charisma, because nobody here is anything approaching a good actor. Trash in particular is a puzzling lead, since he acts as if a brain slug sucked all his personality out and replaced it with a desire to wear a leather vest without a shirt.

The Bronx Warriors is trashy (heh) and derivative, but it’s also a heap of fun that gets more and more insane as it goes along. Everyone and everything here is posing, trying to impress each other and the audience, even if it doesn’t make sense.

I mean, maybe you think that cops on horseback with flamethrowers is a corking good idea, but the horses obviously don’t. The horses look like they want to form a union where the first order of business is preventing humans from flinging fire while on their backs. Their second decision? Sugar cubes for all.

The weird-o-meter for this flick is definitely pushing into the red, and that made for one of the more entertaining post-apocalyptic gang flicks I’ve seen. It’s definitely worth a watch at some point, especially if you’re traveling back to an alternate reality 1990 in New York City.

*I mean, sure, it’s an arms manufacturer, but as CEO couldn’t she change it to something else? Like a macrame manufacturer?

**Because they ride motorcycles, see? And they have cool light-up skulls on their handlebars, probably from a Spirit Halloween.

Intermission!

• This got a sequel, Escape from the Bronx/Escape 2000, which turned up in an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000
• Elbow spikes are how you know someone means business
• Also finger spikes and… um.. butterfly tattoos? Opening credits, you confuse me.
• Motorcycle blades! Effective at extremely short range
• Drumming on the beach next to a dead body
• “Only the heart’s missing. He ate it.”
• He was carrying a gizmo? Don’t get it wet after midnight!
• So. Much. ADR.
• Spray painting a truck’s windshield while the vehicle is in motion is a gutsy move
• Jumping down three stories should have ended with both ankles broken at a bare minimum
• Where do all these people get gas in the Bronx? And food? Can’t imagine anyone wants to drive trucks into a lawless zone.
• So many swastikas on the Riders’ outfits and bikes
• “We were born dead! Life means nothing!”
• “I don’t like this strange silence!”
• First drums, now bongos. What’s up with the percussion in this film?
• Gangs love their rumpus rooms and playgrounds
• Dude, you snapped his neck? Maybe cut him down and call 911 next time.
• Fighting on rollerskates doesn’t seem very stable
• Attacking a gang inside a building? Your best bet is to ride a horse and use a flamethrower.
• Seriously, what WAS the flamethrower budget on this flick?