“A red chariot come to take my ass straight to hell, man!”

Drake’s rating: Whatever you do, do NOT sign on the dotted line

Drake’s review: As shocking as it might seem to anyone who’s seen him in Bone Tomahawk or The Thing or Tombstone, Kurt Russell was not always a movie star. He had been a child actor and a Disney regular, but by the late ’70s he was working primarily in television, with his last film project being 1975’s The Strongest Man in the World. A much-lauded turn as the title character in John Carpenter’s TV movie Elvis opened some doors for the young actor, however, and it wasn’t long before Russell took on the role that re-launched his film career, and made him a star on the rise.

And that role was Snake Plissken in 1981’s Escape from New York.

Prior to that cult classic hitting the big screen, Russell made a raunchy comedy that played in the summer of 1980 before that film fell through the cracks and disappeared from the collective memories of movie fandom. And that movie was Used Cars, a venal romp through the disreputable world of used car sales, where lying, cheating, and playing dirty are the rules of the day.

Just to be clear up front: Used Cars is not a movie for everyone. It’s a black comedy that leans hard into the screwball antics of the protagonists, and those same protagonists are an unsympathetic lot at best. Rudy Russo (Russell) lies and cheats as easily as he breathes, and in the entire movie he only makes one single decision that’s not entirely self-serving.

Of all of the characters in this flick, there are only three who aren’t totally corrupted by the world they live in. And of those three, one dies early, another is well on her way to corruption by the end of the movie, and the third is a dog.

We open with Russo under the dashboard of one of the cars on the lot, rolling back the odometer by some 60,000 miles, which is probably the least harmful trick in Rudy’s bag. He sticks a car bumper back on with chewing gum, refills a flat tire with a can of air rather than replacing it, and covers up a broken windshield with a price sign.

And that’s just a typical morning on the lot of Luke Fuchs’ New Deal Used Cars. The place is dingy and unpaved, a far cry from the big, clean car lot just across the street, which is owned by Roy L. Fuchs, Luke’s brother and much more successful rival. But even Roy can’t stop the freeway ramp that’s scheduled to go right through his business, which is going to leave Luke’s dilapidated lot as a prime piece of retail real estate.

Thus begins Roy’s scheming, since he now needs Luke’s lot to stay in business. He can’t buy it, since the brothers live in a a state of mutual hate, so he hatches a plan that leaves an ailing Luke succumbing to his heart condition. As it turns out, that was the last thing Roy should have done since it clears Rudy to take charge, as he hides Luke’s body and hatches plot after plot to move cars since he’s desperate to make enough cash to buy himself a state senate seat and move from the small-time world of used cars to the bigger and much more profitable realm of state politics.

Aiding and abetting Rudy in his schemes are fellow salesman Jeff (Gerrit Graham, Phantom of the Paradise) and the shop mechanic Jim (Frank McRae, 1941). And also Toby the dog, who plays dead so well that a family is guilted into buying a station wagon after they think they’re run him over.

Unfettered by Luke’s restraint, Rudy launches his campaign of theatrical sleaze, luring in customers with salacious advertisements, disco music and strippers. He has zero qualms about pirating TV air time or bribing a driver’s ed teacher into taking a pile of junkers off his hands. The only thing that can slow him down is the arrival of Barbara (Deborah Harmon, Bachelor Party), Luke’s long-lost and still scrupulous daughter, who is not only her father’s sole heir, but also the target directly in Roy’s scope once she inherits the New Deal lot.

And that’s when the tricks get really dirty, culminating in a frantic race across the Southwestern desert as Roy tries to stop Rudy and Barbara from delivering enough cars to the lot to keep her out of jail. OK, I know you’re missing some context there, but I’m not going to spoil the movie for you, and if you’re of a mind to enjoy watching bad people doing bad things to fight against an even worse antagonist, then you just might enjoy Used Cars. Kurt Russell is full of sleazy charm in a role unlike any other he’s played,* Gerrit Graham is a hidden gem as a superstitious salesman with an overwhelming fear of red cars and Jack Warden shines in the twin roles of Roy and Luke Fuchs.

And Toby’s pretty good, too, even if he can’t tell a standard screwdriver from a Phillips.

*The closest comparison I can think of is Stuntman Mike from Death Proof, which is a pretty strong indictment of the character of Rudy Russo.

Intermission!

• Jack Warden took the role of Roy only on the condition that he got to play Luke as well. He is great here, alternating between semi-sympathetic old-timer and criminally violent psychopath.
• Yes, the bunny-eared stripper is Betty Thomas, future director of The Brady Bunch Movie.
• There’s also a fun cameo by Wendie Jo Sperber as one of the driver’s ed students.
• “Why don’t we just throw her in the hole with her old man and forget about her?” Between that line and his talking about turning the fire hose on protesting nuns, it’s quite possible that Jim might be just a bit disturbed.
• I’d quote more dialogue from the movie, but a shockingly large amount of it would get me flagged by Mutant Oversight Management. They even said they’re disappointed in my pull-quote, and we all know that’s really M.O.M. for mad.
• That insane stunt with Jeff was performed by the actor himself, not a stunt man, and director Robert Zemeckis still refuses to watch it. Not going to spoil it, but if you’ve seen the movie you know what I’m talking about.