“We’re west-bound with the pedal down.”

Justin’s rating: WEIRD! WEIRD GRAYSON!

Justin’s review: No, I don’t get the van culture of the ’70s. Not a lot of us three-year-olds were into that scene at the time, if I recall, and looking back, it’s really strange to see The Youth cluster around vehicles that long since became symbols of soccer moms and school commuting. Then again, in the late 2010s and early 2020s, we saw the rise of people tricking out their vans to become essentially tiny mobile homes, so maybe we’re circling back on this concept.

Supervan taps into this short-lived fad of extreme van customizing — and the resulting vansploitation flicks — along with a bit of that trucker spirit. One of the pioneers of this movement is Clint (Mark Schneider), who’s pretty sure that his ultra-groovy van Sea Witch will be the hit of a Kansas van convention. Actually, it’s technically a “Van In Freak Out.” I’d hate for you to call it the wrong thing and look stupid in that crowd.

What fascinates me about Supervan is how the pre-internet, pre-cell phone technology of CB radios connects all of these drivers as they rocket across the country in their gas-guzzling monstrosities. Everyone catching up on each other’s lives, spouting trucker lingo, sharing news, and watching out for each other feels oddly relatable.

It’s from one of these CB calls that Clint hears a girl being assaulted by bikers and rushes to her rescue. While he gains a new friend and possible love interest in Karen (Katie Saylor), he loses the Sea Witch in a car compactor. RIP Sea Witch, we only knew you for 12 glorious minutes.

This leaves Clint with a bit of a conundrum, since now he can’t show up at the Freak Out and win $5000 for being out-of-sight and funky. So he visits his friend Boseley, who’s a science geek who also dabbles in supervan creation (but ironically can’t drive). Boseley hooks him up with “Vandora,” a custom van that runs on solar panels, has an intelligent computer, lacks seatbelts, can remotely sabotage police cars, has full auto-pilot, and sometimes shoots lasers.

Vandora is the clear star of this show, custom-designed by a guy named George Barris. You may not know him by name, but you’ve seen his work — Barris designed the ’60s Batmobile and the ’80s KITT for TV. His van looks like the cross between a Tesla cybertruck and a first attempt at a kindergarten student to draw vans, but I assure you, it grows on you.

But getting to the van invitational to win the $5000 is only part of Clint’s epic struggle. He and Karen also have to outwit Karen’s dad, who’s a swaggering oil tycoon who’s trying to launch a whole new line of extremely low gas mileage vans to an unsuspecting public. Suffice to say, this guy isn’t a fan of solar powered competition. I thought it was hilarious to see him nearly stroke out in anger over a vehicle that nobody would actually buy nor would any state approve for road travel.

This movie kind of has summer camp vibes as all of the van fans form their own version of Burning Man. It features PG-rated risqué partying, with lite rock, some volleyball, a choo-choo train, and some girls who decide that pants are optional. It’s also populated by a whole lot of extreme stereotypes which may either be amusing or eye-rolling depending.

I get the feeling that a chunk of this movie was the director inviting random people with vans to hang out and show off their customizations. This also may be the most frisky PG-rated movie I’ve ever seen. The camera follows around big-chested women like a panting dog while cutting their heads off of the frame. Why look at that woman like a person when she could just be a piece of meat on display, after all? There’s also a wet t-shirt contest during which — I’m not kidding — a dad puts his seven-year-old son on his shoulders so he could get a better look.

Supervan is a 90-minute bundle of high energy, kooky acting, bizarre editing, hilarious musical choices, unfocused rebellion, and frantic filmmaking. It’s a slapsticky mess that’s wildly fun to watch. You get the sense that there’s no reservation at play as everyone throws themselves into an unabashed love-fest of bulky motor vehicles and their tricked-out interiors. It’s absolutely awful. Awfully entertaining.

Intermission!

• Oh that trippy synth, cheesy folk, and far-out font — we must be in the ’70s!
• “Cause I’d rather be riding hiiiiigh in my supervan!”
• It’s a bear report! No, not that kind of bear.
• Blinding white t-shirt and overalls is quite the fashion statement
• Aww his dad gives him some money even though he thinks this is all stupid
• Dang, his van breaks that bike in two, and then he hops out to karate kick that dude in the face!
• “They say the pirate spirit never dies!”
• Car compactors sound like rampaging elephantsdrive them
• The ’70s had computer AI in security systems
• “Get the lady a Coke.”
• Vandora gets its own musical stinger when revealed
• “More hip jibberish, more van jibe, more youth identification!”
• There’s plenty of “solar storage”
• The choo-choo train and the serious men who ride them
• “Actually you look like you’re running for president of the Child Molester’s Society.”
• A&W drive-in!
• The “Freak Out” song is something I must own
• The Supervan’s high-pitched noise is so horrible to behold
• Clint and Karen’s constant bickering over nothing for no reason gets incredibly old
• The Supervan’s steering wheel looks horrible to use
• Don’t get a lot of gratuitous wet t-shirt contests in movies these days, do we?
• Wait, is that poet Charles Bukowski as a wet t-shirt contest judge?
• “Something just rolled in — maybe a visitor from outer space!”
• And now a five-minute montage where we just look at the artwork on the side of vans
• The Incredible Hulk is a dope fiend
• Vandora just casually blowing up a cop car with a laser cannon
• Wait, Vandora is a self-driving car too? What is this, 2024 only better?
• “Oh that hill is going to be a real bummer.”
• Those singing girls won’t let anything stop their horrible song