“It’s not fair… It’s not fair! Why? Why?!! WHYYYYY???!!!”

Drake’s rating: I also heart NY Ninja

Drake’s review: You know what they say: There are those who are born to watch bad movies, and there are those who have bad movies thrust upon them. Granted, I fall into the former category, but there are still times when a bad movie appears suddenly, out of nowhere, surprising even me with its near-lethal combination of bad acting, microscopic budget, and a script that was likely written over a 30-minute lunch break. You might think that I’d see such a movie coming a mile away, but this one caught me by off guard.

In other words, it snuck up on me like a ninja. A New York Ninja.

Honestly, though, there’s a good reason why this little ‘80s flick about a ninja running around and fighting crime in New York City slipped under my radar: It didn’t really exist until 2021.

This isn’t an ‘80s action movie homage like Kung Fury, however. New York Ninja was indeed shot in 1984, but when the distributor went out of business, the film was shelved. Those film reels eventually ended up in the hands of those industrious exploitation film historians at Vinegar Syndrome, however. Working from the six-to-eight hours of footage and no script, credits, or even audio, Kurtis M. Spieler edited the film together into a coherent whole.

Well, semi-coherent at least. Look, the man is a film editor, not a miracle worker!

That the film is a bizarre, fascinating romp from beginning to end is something of a miracle, however. There is absolutely no reason for a film this bad to be this good, but in the hands of Spieler, New York Ninja oozes goofy ‘80s low-budget charm.

So what’s this one about? Well, it’s basically “Karate Death Wish.” When John (John Liu, but voiced by Don “The Dragon” Wilson) loses his wife to a bunch of method actors pretending to be gang members, he decides to clean up the crime-infested streets of NYC by putting on a cream-colored ninja costume and engaging in awkwardly-choreographed fight scenes with hordes of unnamed extras who are somehow less menacing than the Orphans street gang from The Warriors. Lacking the financial backing of a studio (special effects artists Carl Morano estimated his FX budget at around $100), New York Ninja looks cheap because it was. It’s hokey and amateurish and filled with continuity errors, and I loved every second of it.

Look, the ninja’s swords are obviously plastic in the action scenes, and he throws cracked eggs with a half-teaspoon of white flour in them to blind the bad guys. Liu was a trained martial artist, but since it’s plain no one else here was, so he had to throw punches and kicks at a veritable snail’s pace. Plus, the acting belongs in the community theater of a town with a population in the dozens. All of this is true.

But. BUT!

Did I tell you the ninja wears roller skates? I am not making this up, you guys! The ninja wears roller skates and just glides along down the street, pummeling the bad guys. Have I mentioned yet how much I love this movie?

Now, granted, Spieler had one advantage over John Liu, who had originally written and directed New York Ninja, and that’s the fact that Vinegar Syndrome was able to enlist the vocal talents of some legendary martial arts and exploitation movie actors to dub in the new dialogue. Just take a look at the talent involved here:

• John Liu – Don “The Dragon” Wilson
• Randi Rydell – Linnea Quigley
• Detective Jimmy Williams – Leon Isaac Kennedy
• Detective Janet Flores – Cynthia Rothrock
• Nita Liu – Ginger Lynn Allen
• The Plutonium Killer – Michael Berryman

Now that is a killer voice cast! And what’s key here is that the voice actors indulge in the perfect mix of sincerity and camp, making New York Ninja sound like a Sunday afternoon “Kung Fu Theater” flick. We also get a retro synth score by Voyag3r (pronounced “Voyager 3”), producing a nice bit of musical wizardry that evokes memories of all those small studio VHS rentals that once filled the shelves of video stores from coast to coast.

So the sharp-eyed among you have probably noticed from the cast list that there’s a character called “The Plutonium Killer.” There is, and he’s a former government agent turned low-rent supervillain. And there’s also a kid ninja squad. And INTERPOL. Look, I can’t really explain any of that without spoiling the movie for you. Granted, I’m not sure I can really explain it at all. But trust me, New York Ninja defies explanations. The simple fact is, against all odds, New York Ninja exists and it’s a good time that has to be seen to be believed. So go grab a big bucket of popcorn and settle in for 90 minutes of mild action, cartoonish villains and a barely comprehensible story. If you enjoyed The Miami Connection, you’re going to have a great time with this one.

This is the stuff cult classics are made of.

Intermission!

• Linnea Quigley’s distinctive voice is instantly recognizable, and she does a wonderful job of playing the part light while Don Wilson gives a performance that shifts between overly serious and borderline frenzied. Their performances in particular are perfect for the era they’re channeling.
• Although Vinegar Syndrome attempted to track down the actors in the film, they were unsuccessful in doing so. Even John Liu is among the missing. The most current information I could find out about him is that he was heard to be living in Vietnam several years ago.
• His throwing stars have “N.Y. Ninja” printed on them. That’s showing some good product placement hustle.
• A Datsun 280Z! WANT!
• Huh. Ninjas aren’t bulletproof. I’ve always wondered about that.
• Watch out, bad guys! It’s…a bunch of kids. Yep, your weapons are useless now.
• That helicopter stunt must have taken up about 90% of the movie’s budget.
• The end credits tease a sequel called L.A. Ninja. The fact that we’re never going to get it is just more proof that we live in the Darkest Timeline.