“Delete this!”

Justin’s rating: Would you like to read a review?

Justin’s review: Ethan Embry is one of those actors that peaked during a very specific time period — the mid-to-late ’90s — but has been pretty hard-working ever since. He kept popping up in some of my favorite comedies from that era, such as Vegas Vacation, Can’t Hardly Wait, and Empire Records, and I loved the guy. But around the same time he wasn’t about to say “no” to some cheap scifi schlock, which leads us to 1995’s Evolver.

The undeniable fact that you never heard of Evolver is proof that it did not sweep the world by storm. But not for lack of casting! Along with Embry, this movie features John De Lancie (Star Trek TNG’s Q), Cassidy Rae, and — I kid you not — William H. Macy as the voice of the killer robot. “Uncredited voice,” I should say, for reasons that are obvious.

Ethan Embry plays Kyle, an arcade wiz and part-time hacker who’s the local hotshot at an arcade title called Evolver. It should be mentioned that the game is one of those overly elaborate and supremely dorky virtual reality setups that had you stand in a cage and wear half a CRT on your head. We were so hot for this stuff before it fizzled out until the next VR fad came along.

Anyway, Kyle is so amazing at Evolver that he is recruited for the Rylan Star League to fight the Kodan Armada. Actually, he wins a real robot from a company that has the ability to talk, learn, grow, and… evolve?

Oh heck yes it evolves, not to mention goes homicidally crazy as it arms itself with a high-tech arsenal. It continually transforms as it triggers higher levels of the game, going from a tiny bot shooting ping pong balls to using steel bearings, saw blades, steak knives, flamethrowes, and lasers. Everyone that it tags as being an “enemy” is the subject of its unrelenting, Terminator-style manhunt. Guess Asimov’s Laws of Robotics took a day off.

If you’re asking “why” a company would toss an untested prototype into a suburban home, well, this is how they did quality assurance in 1995. Don’t question it. Also don’t question why Evolver becomes absolutely vindictive and learns how to spit out menacing lines like a Bond villain. Maybe he had a bad childhood in the droid factory.

So here’s the thing: Evolver is the best kooky killer robot movie I’ve seen since Chopping Mall. I didn’t know that I needed William H. Macy to voice a transforming robot that thinks the world is a video game that it has to conquer, but I did. I truly did. It’s sublime.

I really appreciated that it got right to the robot and the action without dragging things out. We get a smattering of ’90s tech and teenage hijinks, and then BAM! Would you like to play a game to the death? Yes I would, Evolver! Pew pew pew!

This movie greatly exceeded my low expectations. I mean, it like overshot it. My mind was woefully unprepared for this level of R-rated robot carnage, hacker lingo, and teens stepping up to save the world from what would undoubtedly be Skynet 2.0. The robot itself is wonderfully articulated with all sorts of gadgets and, yes, a sardonic voice from a character actor who was just about to plunge into Fargo.

This is what it’s all about, people. This is why we sift through bad movie after lame project, looking for those unknown and under-appreciated gems. This is what makes the hunt worthwhile.

With zero fat and all the trimmings, Evolver plunges the viewer into a wild scenario that continually escalates until RoboCop’s ED-209 is given a run for its money. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed if you take a chance on this one.

Intermission!

• Kids, do you remember wireframe graphics? The opening credits sure do!
• “Choke! Choke!”
• Oh check out that sweet CGI VR action
• It’s that evil corporate guy from Total Recall
• “He’s a total dork!”
• He’s not neural net-based, just in case you were wondering
• It doesn’t seem like a slow-moving robot on wheels would be great at laser tag, but he totally is
• “Bullseye!” shoots the mom in the back
• How many balls can this thing store inside? But it can suck them back up afterward!
• I dig “robot cam” and the cool border
• It’s take your robot to school day! To take illegal pictures of girls in the locker room!
• The robot looking at a boy’s bare behind for way, way too long
• “Enemy Five — 50 damage points” is such a killer line
• “Jerkface!”
• He’s got a smokescreen now!
• “This toy acts like he’s playing for keeps.”
• “I forgot, you only date computers.”
• This movie is big on scooter helmet safety, which I approve
• Yeah kicking it into the pool is what I would’ve done too
• I cannot endorse the highly unbelievable romance subplot of this movie
• “Enemy Number One, welcome to the final game.”
• The laser trap is pretty ingenious
• BONUS ROUND!