“A damsel in distress can’t afford to pick and choose.”

Justin’s rating: Brought to you by the most absorbent chainmail sold in the European Union

Justin’s review: Who’s up for a trip back to the ’60s for a gonzo fantasy adventure brought to us by the legendary Bert I. Gordon? Anyone? Anyone?

Forget you, I’m doing it anyway.

In a faraway land, lovestruck George is shocked that the girl he’s spying upon from afar with magic (always “with magic” in this film) is abducted by a sorcerer with a grudge. The evil sorcerer is looking to feed the Princess Helene to a dragon as a midnight snack and challenges any rescuers to find his castle and overcome seven curses before this happens.

George races off to save Helene with his apprentice-level magic, a magical white horse that lives behind a curtain, magic-infused armor, six loyal flunkies, and a sword. Which — spoilers ahead! — also is laced with magic. It’s a pretty cool sword, what with being in the title of the movie and all, as it can overcome black magic, wake up people in suspended animation, and also open and close doors with a tap. Except when it doesn’t for Plot Reasons.

A haughty court knight joins this Paw Patrol, promising some tension and competition on the road to rescue. Along the way they’ll try to overcome the curses, which include a giant monkey man, a foggy swamp, seductive hags, and, um, spirals? Listen, not every stop in a great quest can be a killer rabbit in the Cave of Caerbannog.

Meanwhile at the sorcerer’s castle, Helene watches George’s progress on a magic mirror and attempts to escape through this house of twisted horrors. It’s all quite the mind trip, what with the deformed partiers and eyeball statues. She’s not really demonstrating a lot of agency, to be honest, so we’ll chalk this one up to “does not aspire to be more than a damsel in distress” and hope that George has low standards.

While The Magic Sword’s pacing is on the slow side, it compensates with a great array of strange creatures, magical deus ex trinkets, and wacky oddities. Clearly, there was a lot of thought and care put into this straight-forward tale, and that’s the sort of thing that makes the difference with an audience.

I was charmed by the hilarious accents of the European knight sampler, the two-headed assistant who always talks with both mouths in unison, and the chess-playing ape. Even the villains — Grand Moff Tarkin with a turban and Weenie the Backstabber — fill the time well with scenery chewing. The truly unbelievable part of this movie is how long the group keeps Weenie around despite his obvious inclination to betray them all.

This was a good time, I cannot deny. I’ve seen far duller fantasy treks in the ’80s than this effort put out two decades prior.

Intermission!

• This movie has a “dragon trainer”
• Bert I. Gordon — always a name for quality
• She… just keeps a chimp in her house? And a two-headed cook?
• The Pool of Magic is useful for Peeping Toms to spy on bathing beauties
• The bad guy explaining exactly how to travel to his lair is a little counter-productive
• Moms like to put on magic shows to cheer up lovelorn sons
• That’s quite the diverse cast of knights
• “Don’t turn your head away, you’ll miss all the fun.”
• Giant monkey men can be overcome by riding around them super-super fast
• Little people like to wander into your dungeon cell and make vague hand gestures while laughing
• The eyeball statue
• This swamp pool turns you into a skeleton in 0.2 seconds if you go under
• Swords can lift you out of a pool somehow
• And the French guy is quickly wooed away from his job by a flirty woman
• Cute woman turns into a hag — and is defeated by a shield?
• If your friend gets absorbed by ghosts, at least it’ll open up an escape route for you
• “I don’t bargain with mortals, I destroy them!”
• Haha his head is now a trophy on the wall
• A two-headed dragon? That’s pretty ambitious!
• Death by surprise panther