“I’d say anything to save the world.”

Justin’s rating: Flower power!

Justin’s review: I’ve got a weak spot for well-intentioned B-movie directors who push big ideas through small budgets, and one of my biggest crushes is on Albert Pyun. Every year I try to ferret out another title or two of his that I haven’t seen, which took me to his attempt at making a romcom (!) with Andrew Dice Clay (!!). Because when you think “romantic,” you surely think of this motor-mouthed sexist gym rat who peaked in pop culture one weekend in 1991.

Some movies should come with warnings when they’re a little out-of-the-ordinary, so let this be your advance notice that Brain Smasher… A Love Story features Andrew Dice Clay narrating the opening. It was probably in his rider so that he could weasel in some of his stand-up comedy patter, but I thought you should know.

Samantha (Teri Hatcher, literally days before she jumped into doing Lois & Clark) is a supermodel who receives a rare red lotus flower in the mail with instructions to bring it to her sister in Portland. Little does she know that this flower contains magical properties to give martial artists “unlimited power,” so she’s kind of walking into a crazy situation with monks and/or ninjas that she’s wildly unprepared to handle.

On the run for her life in a situation she doesn’t understand, Samantha falls in with a loud-mouthed club bouncer named Ed (Clay). Ed’s sole knack seems to be the ability to instantly knock out attackers with a well-placed blow to the head — hence his nickname “Brain Smasher.” Charming.

Ed’s abrasive personality and Sam’s stealth intellectual don’t get along at first, but give it enough time — maybe an hour and a half — and they’re guaranteed to fall in love. But they’ll have to defeat these definitely-not-ninjas, save the flower, and deal with mystical eastern arts to make it out alive.

This unusual combination of humor, martial arts action, American protagonists, and Chinese fantasy calls to mind one Big Trouble in Little China — a bona fide cult classic because of this genre mash-up. It’s certainly not a crowded field, and Pyun has a lot of fun playing around with this concept. Nothing here is serious, just light-hearted fun as Ed and Sam quip, fight, and run into all sorts of familiar you-know-that-guy character actors.

At any moment, you never quite know where Brain Smasher might take you, and therein lies the charm. Maybe it’ll be a club where everyone dances in sequence, or the rain-slicked streets at night where everyone can look their film noirest, a strip club that charges for water, an unhelpful police precinct, or an apartment that’s made to be smashed up,

The Dice Man may not be the best choice for a romantic lead, but he’s more than up to the task of spitting out one-liners with swagger and maybe a bit of a soft Rocky-like heart. The bar he had to clear here was “just don’t annoy me too much,” and he just made it over. Hatcher’s character has a little more depth than the brainless bimbo people assume that she is because of the modeling gig, and you can see her warming up to her role as the smart-talking Lois Lane.

But you know what makes this movie? The bad guys. Trust me, you’re going to love these monks. They are forever flipping and jumping all over the place — often with cheeky yells — and lecturing people on how Chinese monks are not Japanese ninjas. They often get little Three Stooges comedic moments as they doggedly pursue our leads. Not since Gymkata have a group of masked kung fu artists brimmed with such personality — or unapologetic dorkiness.

Like most of Pyun’s movies, Brain Smasher teeters between unrefined chaos and clever filmmaking, creating a product that’s half-mess and half-genius. It’s a crazy ride over the course of a night with laughs-a-plenty, non-stop action, and an energetic soundtrack — and I adored every second of it. It might be a tough movie to track down, but I’d say it’s worth both big and little trouble to do it.

Intermission!

• Moms can find out what phone booth you’re standing near and call it at will
• “It’s amazing I can actually read and wear a bathing suit at the same time.”
• “A Rolex is not love.”
• “She’s a model” All of the monks: “Ahhhh.”
• That’s a convenient escape slide!
• Monks aren’t ninjas. Please understand that.
• Digging this soundtrack’s action cues
• That clubber gives the worst laugh I’ve ever heard
• Dang, the monks take out the entire band
• Smoking on the roof of the bus. While the bus is moving.
• His BRAIN SMASHER jacket is not exactly subtle
• “We didn’t order Chinese takeout.”
• Monks applaud each other when they make really good jumps
• Ed tosses the monk out of his window: “YOUR MOTHER!”
• Lot of doors and walls made out of balsa wood in this apartment building, I’m seeing
• “This guy has no nuts!”
• Tim Thomerson and Brion James
• Haha these monks, randomly kicking a police officer and then hammer-fisting down a door. They’ve got anger issues.
• “This sister of yours, isn’t she the Indiana Jones of botany?”
• “Cut this ninja crap!” is something I say ten times a day.
• The police interrogators who start yelling and pushing each other
• Even while being chased by monks and the police, you can always take some time for an impromptu neck massage
• Haha he caught the bullet… and threw it back to kill the cop
• “I do not want to be a kung fu thug forever, I have ambition!”
• Ed telling the bad guy to hang up on his nagging mother
• “You’re gonna have his babies, right?”
• “You used a gun!” “That’s right, this isn’t a kung fu movie.”
• What happened to his eyes?