“How can they survive in space?” “How can they survive in a tornado?”

Justin’s rating: I knew I’d have to tackle the rest of this series one day. I put that devil off as long as I could, but now it’s calling its due. Forgive me!

Justin’s review: By the time Sharknado 2 came out in 2014, Syfy’s airborne apex predator series stopped being movies so much as parties where an excessive number of C-list celebrities were invited and drunken dares by the writing staff to come up with the most ridiculous stunt that’d get discussed on the internet the next day.

This is no more and no less than MAD Magazine’s wacky and overly busy illustrations that breathlessly flung gags left and right in the hope that maybe a handful will stick. So let’s accept this for what it is, take a deep breath, and plunge into the next installment.

I don’t even know how to describe this plot, because it’s not really a plot. It’s stuff that happens, and then more stuff happens, and all of that stuff is most likely shark-related. It’s kind of a pistache of a disaster movie, where everyone plays this straight-faced.

More sharknados start appearing over the east coast — or “Feast Coast” as the TV news stations cleverly call it. After saving the President but not D.C., Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering) begins a road trip to get back to April (a scarily aging Tara Reid).

But it’s not going to be an easy trip with these deadly weather patterns pretty much chasing him wherever he goes. Military base? Sharknado. Roadside diner? Sharknado. NASCAR? Sharknado. Universal Studios Resort? Oh you best believe there’s a sharknado.

Along the way, Fin reunites with expert shark killer Nova (Cassie Scerbo) who’s learned how to fly jets in the intervening years. Plenty of kills and over-the-top deaths occur, not the least of which is seeing Malcolm in the Middle’s Frankie Muniz getting both arms and both legs bit clean off. But at least Fin has a double chainsaw on hand to carve up these airborne terrors.

In fact, so many celebs get slaughtered in the making of this movie that I suspect that it was partially funded by donations from those desperate to be the next person killed in any particular scene. Since your brain won’t be doing anything productive during this hour-and-a-half experience, you might as well be feeding it brief glimpses of famous people that take you about 10 seconds to identify before they bite it. I really didn’t think my life would end up playing Where’s Waldo in a shark twister movie, but here we are.

Eventually the heroes commandeer a secret military space shuttle and take the fight into the upper atmosphere — and into outer space itself.

It’s been a couple of years since I last treated myself to some fatty Sharknado brain food. Even so, I can tell that this entry is a step down from the previous one. The outer space angle was fun, but it takes a lot of pointless meandering to get there. And, to be frank, it’s pointless meandering afterward.

I mean, what can be said about this? It’s all patently stupid and kind of lazy with some of the very worst — probably by design — special effects and posturing. When it’s not pimping for Subway, it’s spending a gob of time promoting Universal Studios’ theme park rides. And when Tara Reid and Bo Derek are on the screen at the same time, I’m shrieking from both the bad acting and the ravages of time that their faces represent.

If you can get into the silliness of it all, and if you get some sort of sick thrill out of seeing flying sharks constantly and uncannily swoop in to chew through humans, then it’s a passable time and a blight upon your soul. Otherwise, it’s not something you’ll go to your grave regretting never have witnessed.

Intermission!

• The James Bond-style opening… with a double chainsaw
• Fin does a lot of cardio running
• The Order of the Golden Chainsaw
• Bruce Banner is having a rough day
• Presidential portraits can be used to surf down stairways covered in sharks
• “Hail to the Chief!” “This is for America, baby!”
• This may be the worst portrayal of a movie US President
• Sharknados have rules?
• I’m sure the Iwo Jima soldiers have no problem with this homage
• Fognado
• Frankie Muniz just saved the day
• Of course there’s a giant mobile shark-killing base
• PTSD = Post-Traumatic Shark Disorder
• Sharknado sharks can survive in the sky by eating birds and ice
• Sharks love water slides and have no problems with chlorine
• April’s got a mini-chainsaw in her artificial hand
• “Feast Coast” har har
• Oh hey it’s Subway’s Jared… that didn’t age well at all
• “Could be worse. Could be zombies.” True that.
• Bio-meteorology isn’t an exact science
• Aw Lucas got an arm and leg bit off. And his other leg. And his other arm. He’s having a rough day. I guess he really is (wait for it) Malcolm’s middle.
• They crash a jet and come out of the water in swimwear?
• The shark photo op that ends up biting the guy’s head off
• The rollercoaster shark is pretty funny
• George RR Martin gets killed, never finishes Song of Ice and Fire
• “We need to create a tower of flames 60 miles high burning hotter than temperatures at the surface of the sun.”
• It’s fairly easy to steal NASCAR cars
• Penn, Teller, and David Hasslehoff
• “It’s not space I’m worried about. It’s the sharks.”
• That’s the worst movie spacesuit I’ve ever seen
• “Seventy-five caliber mascara.”
• “Gun? What do I do with this thing?”
• Haha love interest got shark-speared five seconds after kissing the girl
• “Sharks! In! Space!”
• Laser chainsaw?
• You can ride a shark into the earth’s atmosphere as long as you’re on the inside
• Wait, she gave birth INSIDE the shark? As it was coming down from space?