“I’m going to cut your heart out with a spoon!”

Louise’s rating: Four out of five iron-tipped arrows.

Louise’s review: Something you should know about me is that I am mad about the Robin Hood legend. King Arthur? Interesting, I’d agree, but too many characters and essentially ‘twagic’. The Trojan War can’t quite cut it. Various supernatural beasties? Much as I enjoy Charlaine Harris and the Vampire Diaries TV series, mythological creatures smell quite cheesy these days. Insert your own sparkling rainbow zombie joke here.

Robin Hood? He never dies. Be he displaced nobleman, proto-socialist farmer, romantic swashbuckler, dirty thug, or Russell Crowe, you just can’t deny that the medieval bandit living wild in the forest, tricking both civil and religious authorities out of their money, makes a powerful story. Add to it the established ‘stealing from the rich to give to the poor’ and other fantastic characters like Friar Tuck, Lady Marion, Will Scarlet, Much the Miller’s Son, Alan-a-Dale, Guy of Gisborne, and you’ve got a story that can be told again and again. As indeed it has been. At home I’ve got a DVD collection comprising three Robin Hood films and four TV series, as well as about seven Robin Hood novels, and my little museum isn’t anywhere near complete.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves has a rather special place in my heart, largely because it’s a film I have in common with one of my closest friends. It’s a comfort film for us – if we watch it, we watch it together, quote the dialogue in everyday life, and it’s altogether an established bonding ritual. I almost feel there should be an anthropologist in the corner documenting it.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that it’s not a perfect film, and it’s perhaps not very cool these days, but I can’t help myself. I like it. It has what can only be described as dorky charm. They simply don’t make them like this anymore. It’s a classic swashbuckling story, yet with some nineties-style messages of tolerance and EXPLOSIONS (because we are living in a post-Lethal Weapon/Die Hard age). It’s a comedy with the music and cinematography of a Golden Age of Hollywood epic. We can question some of the filmmakers’ choices, but mainly we should applaud and bring out the carb-tastic snacks. Look, everyone, it’s a medieval-themed nineties action movie! With a witch!

Plot? You want plot? It’s Robin Hood! Battle-hardened Crusades-veteran Robin of Locksley (Kevin Costner) returns to England (judging from the locations, walking from the White Cliffs to Hadrian’s Wall in about four hours. Excuse me while I laugh into my soup…) to find that all is not well. The Klan (what?) have murdered his father and burned his castle, and when he protects a ragged child, he gets on the wrong side of the Sheriff of Nottingham (Alan Rickman).

Fortunately, Robin has on his side the magnificent Moor Azeem (Morgan Freeman), who will out-act everyone in the whole production. Robin retreats to the forest, takes over the peasantry with a montage, robs the rich to give to the poor, and eventually fights a great battle (with EXPLOSIONS) against the Sheriff to win back his land and title, and rescue his friends and his girl.

Kevin Costner plays the receeding-hairlined hero, not particularly well. Robin is an interesting character, an aristocrat who claims that nobility is nothing to do with social class, yet happily takes over the poor peasants and orders them about for his own agenda. Lady Marian remembers him as a spoilt bully, and though he says he has changed, maybe he hasn’t changed as much as he thinks. Was this the filmmakers’ intention? Who can say? I’ve got to say, he’s an uninspiring and dour leader. I wouldn’t follow him as far as a faulty ATM that was spitting out money. Costner’s glum and uncaring portrayal of Robin of Locksley means that he seems to be in a totally different film to Alan Rickman’s Sheriff, not helped by the fact that they have only two scenes together!

He’s lucky to have Azeem. What is it about Morgan Freeman? All he has to do is stand there and he brings dignity to the whole scene. Azeem is there to teach the suspicious English to overcome their prejudices against Muslims and ethnic minorities, and supply the advanced Moorish technology and medical knowledge necessary for EXPLOSIONS. There is a seriously touching scene where a little English girl asks Azeem if God painted him, to which he replies that He certainly did, because “Allah loves wondrous variety.” Morgan Freeman outgrows his rather token role to become the heart of the entire film. He is witty, deadly, a lover, spiritual, and you rather want a film all about his undoubtedly interesting life instead of the one we got.

There’s plenty to laugh at in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, both intentional on the filmmakers’ part, and unintentional. We can laugh at the ridiculousness of the so-called Celts, some of the dialogue, the continuity errors in the extended special edition, and the Sheriff of Nottingham. The phrase ‘chewing the scenery’ could have been invented for Alan Rickman. He plays the villain as desperately evil, a satanist, a rapist who bullies his subordinates, yet basically quite sympathetic.

This sympathy for the devil comes from our realization that the Sheriff is quite intelligent, yet is surrounded by idiots and has astonishingly bad luck. He is always frustrated by circumstances, he traps his cloak in things, and he reacts with wonderful facial expressions and pained, weak laughter. His courtship of Marian is quite genuine, and he carries it out with the panache of a spotty fourteen-year-old. Rickman has the most fantastic rich voice, which is used here to full effect.

Problems? Yeah, there are some problems. Marian is pretty and has lovely curly hair, but on the whole she’s a bit of a wuss. She starts out dressed as a ninja, but the writers soon forget about that and bring her back to the Distressed Damsel role. Fortunately, Little John’s wife Fanny is a big badass redhead with bravery and vulnerability to spare, so she balances Marian out and strikes a blow for proto-feminism.

Little John is another problem – the writers have given him all the British swear words that the PG rating will allow. Is this meant to compensate for Costner’s American accent (which is actually something I don’t have a problem with at all)? It strikes me as rather demeaning the character. The humour of the Sheriff also means that at one point, if you’re not careful, you find yourself laughing at a rape attempt. A funny rape? No thanks.

The big problem is the devil worship. The Sheriff has a rather creepy co-dependent relationship with a devil-worshipping witch named Mortianna, whom he hides in his castle. She tells the future for him. This whole subplot is daft rather than offensive – though the characters seem committed to satanism, it’s not shown to be right. The devil does not vindicate them by actually appearing in the film, which implies that it’s just a fashionable lifestyle choice for a villain, or an excuse for evil. Either way, it strikes me as being completely out-of-line with the rest of the film, and for the extended edition they should have cut it out rather than put more in.

Ultimately, it’s a fun film. It’s quite classy, with misty forest shots and sweeping music (plus a certain Bryan Adams song I’m sure you remember), women in long dresses, swords and atmospheric locations. I would advise a viewing as soon as possible, but go for the original version, not the extended one. The extended version skews it a bit too far into comedy devil-worship territory, while the original is more balanced. I hope you enjoy it as much as I always do, and if you are ever puzzled at the differences between people, just remember that Allah loves wondrous variety, and I guarantee you’ll find some inner peace.

EXPLOSIONS!

Justin’s rating: Everything I do, I do it for the weird witch lady with the grody fortune-telling eggs

Justin’s review: If you were of age in 1991, there was no escaping one of the big event movies that year — Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. It was that heady mix of marketing hype, terrible elements (Costner’s flat acting, Bryan Adams’ awful ballad), amazing casting (Alan Rickman! Sean Connery! Morgan Freeman! Christian Slater! Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio!), memorable quotes, and a desire to push that PG-13 rating to its very limit. We watched this an awful lot that year, I know (I have a vague memory of going to a high school party where someone put this on and a group of us ignored everyone else to get our Costner on).

Decades later, it’s a testament to how much effort was put into making this a crowd-pleasing, swashbuckling epic that it’s still much more fondly remembered than the many Robin Hood variants that came afterward. It’s been a long time since I last watched Robin Hood: Price is Right, and in honor of the late, great Rickman, I figured that I’d jump into that cinematic time machine and look at it with an older set of eyes that are touched with nostalgia around the edges.

Two things are quickly apparent at the onset of this movie. The first is that it’s darker and more edgy in tone, with a higher degree of violence and Adult Themes — far more so than you’d expect in a PG-13 blockbuster. The second is that this movie’s Robin Hood takes a much different track than the legend usually gets, with Costner’s Robin being a former “spoiled bully” who grows up the hard way during the Crusades and returns to a broken land.

There’s a third outstanding feature that takes a little while to rear its head, but when it does, it’s unmistakable. I speak, of course, of the punchy dialogue that’s done more to ingrain this film into pop culture than anything else. The humor and personality — especially from Rickman and Freeman — help to offset the darker themes.

Even though it’s been 10, maybe 20 years since I last saw this, I vividly remember all of Prince of Thieves details. I must’ve watched this dozens of times in the ’90s, come to think of it, which speaks to how much it was a staple in our household.

After a jailbreak and a newfound friendship with a Moor named Azeem (Freeman), Robin returns home to England to find that the Sheriff of Nottingham (Rickman) and Guy of Gisborne (Michael Wincott) are ruling the roost and making everyone’s lives miserable. With his family’s legacy all but extinguished, Robin flees into the forest and takes up with a band of outlaws desperate to turn the tables on their oppressors. His innate sense of justice drives him in this new crusade — as well as his crush on Maid Marian.

The great debate for the ages is which role marks Alan Rickman’s best turn as villain: Severus Snape, Hans Gruber, or the Sheriff of Nottingham. His genius is being truly despicable while also being wickedly funny. You boo him, but it’s with a smile. And he’s at top form as the Sheriff here, spitting out some of the best lines here while gnashing his teeth at his crumbling evil empire and consorting with one of the freakiest film witches ever devised.

The battle between Robin and Nottingham may not be quite as intelligent as the McClane/Gruber match of ’88, but it’s still a lot of fun to witness. Robin’s outlaws conduct guerrilla warfare against the better armored soldiers and, as the legend goes, steal from the rich to feed the poor. The movie keeps a good pace with this escalating situation, only faltering somewhat when it shifts gears to focus on the romance (everything i do i do it for youuuuuuu).

Kevin Costner is, as he always is, adequate for the role but not exceptional. At times, he’s threatened to be overshadowed by the many more memorable characters with lower billing, which brings up the age-old question of, “Who decided to make this kind of dull guy a movie star and why?” I asked the same question of William Hurt, to be fair.

I’ve read a few rather irksome recent reviews where the authors condemned this for being “problematic” (ugh that hoary unspecific pejorative of the feeble-minded) and not meeting the standards of us enlightened people in the 2020s. And to that I shake my head and think about how Prince of Thieves should be celebrated for emphasizing that it’s about a person’s actions, not inherent identity, that makes them “noble” or “great,” whether they’re a spoiled rich kid, a Muslim warrior-poet, or a mom of eight kids. Also, there’s a bit of a message about freedom from petty tyranny, but that’s passe today and can be safely ignored.

One thing is for certain, Robin Hood isn’t playing it tame and cautious. It’s swinging for a big epic hit, from the lush cinematography to the enthusiastic soundtrack to the action sequences (with explosions, why not!). It’s a fortunate thing that it connected on all — well, most — of these fronts. It’s a little heavy-handed in parts, but in a good natured way that’s hard to find fault with it.

Intermission!

• I thought my (Louise’s) student accommodation was grotty, but I never had to brush a snake off a plate before I used it!
• That main theme still hits so hard and gets me pumped up — remember how it was always used for Morgan Creek Entertainment’s logo?
• Nothing like some hand chopping to kick off a good movie!
• “This is English courage.” “This is for five years of hell!”
• Man Peter gives up pretty easy, doesn’t he? “It’s a mortal wound, might as well ditch me and go hook up with my sister.”
• That fruit looked so dang tasty when Azeem breaks it in two
• Maybe when you see a whole bunch of white robed figures in torches, you should turn your horse around and go back into your castle, eh? Or you can just charge into them and die, I suppose.
• Rickman’s reveal behind the mask
• Robin’s happy kissing of the sand and his giddy freakout on the beach
• “It means Great One.” “Great One, did you give yourself this name?”
• “I would know blindfolded, I’m five miles from home.”
• I like the use of the older style of dogs
• “You whine like a mule, you are still alive.”
• “Who told you to cover up?”
• I always thought it was pretty ridiculous how much of Lockley’s castle got torn down into ruins
• Lotta black blood in this movie
• Ah the witch’s blood egg, tasty. And her one freakishly big eye.
• Robin doesn’t quite get telescopes right away
• “Beg for mercy, rich man!”
• Azeem’s shrug when Robin has to fight Little John
• “Get up, move faster!”
• “Here… we are kings!”
• Robin slicing the Sheriff’s cheek is quite cheeky
• “I’m going to cut out your heart with a SPOON!”
• “Keep the stitches small.”
• “Because it’s dull, you twit, it’ll hurt more!”
• Could’ve just ducked the knife instead of shooting through Will’s hand
• “Then by God, we take it back.” CUE EPIC ARMING MONTAGE
• First person arrow perspective
• The rich lady in the carriage has quite stunning eyes
• “Something vexes thee?” lol
• “Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and cancel Christmas!”
• “You, my room, 10:30 tonight. You, 10:45… and bring a friend.”
• “They can’t count anyway, why worry them?”
• Forest floor camo
• Friar Tuck biting Robin’s leg is A++
• Guy of Gisborne crying is so unexpected
• Naked Costner butt
• “You’ve been busy.”
• Just casually carting a catapult through the forest
• “TO THE TREES!”
• If you return from the dead, you should do so with a smoky backlight in the middle of the night
• Of COURSE there’s going to be a lot of explosions in a 12th century setting
• “I’ve given birth to eight babies, don’t you talk to me about being hurt, you big ox!”
• Horse poop, yum
• The hanging scene is high tension
• Slow-mo fire arrow oh yeahhhhh
• Double-arrow shot
• Travel via catapult… you better hope there’s a hay stack on the other side and not a just stone floor
• “We’re doomed!”
• Spear to the gut, ouch
• “So you sold your soul to Satan, your grace.”
• They trash this room so hard during the final swordfight
• A thrown scimitar can knock you clear across the room
• Sean Connery cameo supreme
• Friar Tuck breakin’ that fourth wall