Six sports movies you’d only see on ESPN’s The Ocho

In mainstream cinema, football and baseball dominate the sports movie landscape. But for those of us with cult sensibilities, we crave competitions possessing a more niche quality. Or better yet, something that doesn’t technically exist in the real world (but should). Here are six films that cater to our more exotic tastes:

Death Race 2000 (1975)

From our review: “And there you go — two hours of very fast cars and very bad dialogue. Plus a gratuitous nude scene somewhere in the middle.”

Rollerball (1975)

From our review: “Like the rules to American football or cricket (depending on which side of the pond you hail from), the rules to Rollerball seem strangely formless to the uninitiated. There are men on rollerskates, men on motorcycles, spiky gloves, a big metal ball and a goal of some kind. The object of the game, however, seems simply to be to kill the opposing team with this variety of props, rather than any actual ‘scoring’ of any kind — but the crowd, who are only here for the violence anyway, don’t seem to mind.”

BASEketball (1998)

From our review: “The game itself is what deserves your attention. Each of the teams have a particular theme that goes hand-in-hand with the city it represents (such as the San Fransisco Ferries or the Dallas Felons), and come complete with a squad of barely legal cheerleaders.”

Futuresport (1998)

From our review: “Aside with some mild drama involving Tre’s cocky behavior and need to learn the value of team work — and the aforementioned terrorists, who are laughably incompetent and are led with a guy who’s got massive face tattoos — most of the $9 million budget here went to trying to make the Futuresport matches as exciting as possible. It… was not enough. It wasn’t close to enough.”

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)

From our review: “When you have a guy who, for no good reason, thinks and acts like he’s a pirate, and toss him in with Milton from Office Space, Justin Long from TV’s Ed, and a urine-drinking Rip Torn, well, the Academy Award nomination committee is going to have their hands very full come award season.”

Girls und Panzer der Film (2015)

From our review: “If deft and nuanced characterization and sparkling dialogue are what appeals to you, turn back and flee while you still can. If the idea of high school girls duking it out in antique military vehicles while making physics-obsessed killjoys weep in despair fills you with glee, you may have come to the right place.”

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