“Real fair! Real fair, two against one, right? I’m wearing a towel!”

Drake’s rating: Three empty beer cans out of four

Drake’s review: We all know who Sean S. Cunningham is, right? Producer of the Friday the 13th franchise, and director of the initial entry in the series? Yeah, that guy. Well, did you also know he directed… Deepstar Six? You did? OK, how about The New Kids? Didn’t know he directed that one as well, did you? Oh, you knew about that one, too. Man, you guys are a smart bunch.

OK… I’ve got one for you. Think beaches, bikinis, and bros. No, not Beach Blanket Bingo! Geez, guys! I’m talking about Spring Break!

That’s right, tired of the dour climes of the Northeast and the body count at Camp Crystal Lake, Cunningham packed up his camera, his megaphone, and his swimming trunks and, with composer Harry Manfredini riding shotgun, headed on down to Fort Lauderdale, FL to catch all the collegiate shenanigans going on in the early ‘80s. And being from that era, I can guarantee that there were shenanigans galore. And also a bit of deviltry. Not to mention Mischief. But that’s another movie altogether.

(Note to Justin: I got the impression from Flinthart’s great review of Misfits of Science that we might be legally required to review every movie we mention in our missives. If so, I’m digging myself a deep hole here.)

Spring Break finds our heroes, Nelson and Adam (David Knell and Perry Lang, respectively), arriving in the fabled Florida town for a week of fun in the sun. They also find out their room has been double-booked, with O.T. (Steve Bassett) and Stu (Paul Land), a pair of working stiffs from Brooklyn, moving in as well. But this being a movie about guys being dudes and dudes being bros, the four agree to share the room for the week. Brewskis are downed and male bonding ensues.

Cue the hijinks as the four drink beer through straws, cruise the town, pick up girls, and share a urinal. Yeah, that last one is kind of weird. We didn’t do that in the ‘80s. Male bonding only went so far.

But beneath the good times lurks the menacing subplot. Nelson’s stepfather, who is launching a political career, wants the boy back in the fold rather than embarrassing him with his Fort Lauderdale antics. In addition, he’s trying to buy out the motel the boys are staying at so he can tear it down and put up a… well, a something. That part of the story really doesn’t get much in the way of an explanation.

So will our four intrepid heroes save the motel? Will Nelson ever learn the name of the girl of his dreams? Will Nelson’s mother realize that she’s married to a grade-A schmuck?

Of course! This is an ‘80s movie! And honestly, even calling this a “movie” is a bit of a stretch. Consisting mainly of scenes of young people partying, drinking, and sunbathing, Spring Break is less a cohesive narrative and more of a 102-minute commercial for Fort Lauderdale. Functionally an update of the teen beach movies of the ‘60s, it keeps the key elements of its predecessors (beaches, incompetent baddies, and bikinis) and adds in beer, wet t-shirts, beer, weed, beer, and more beer. It’s a simple formula, yet it turned Spring Break into a respectable hit in 1983 and paved the way for Where the Boys Are and Hardbodies the following year.

(Note to Justin: Seriously, the hole keeps getting deeper.)

So is Spring Break a worthwhile watch four decades later? Probably not, but if you’re in the mood for some dumb fun, you could do worse. And I have. So, so much worse. I’m not going to name them, though. No way am I gonna be on the hook to review Jocks or The Allnighter or…

Ah, heck.

Intermission!

• Mansplaining Galaga? Not a good look, Nelson.
• O.T. dive-bombs a swimming pool off of a palm tree, beats up the bothersome biker and saves Nelson from his stepfather’s goons. O.T. is secretly the main character.
• It’s room 306. C’mon, Nelson.
• A wet t-shirt contest? In an ‘80s sex comedy? What are the odds?
• And also a wet he-shirt contest. Maybe that was an East Coast thing.