“There’s a certain look men get before they die.”

Justin’s rating: For the life of me, this title sounds like an Atari 2600 game. Actually, I’m thinking of “Astro Blasters.” Probably the same thing.

Justin’s review: I mean, this is on me. I should always know better than to be suckered in by a cool-sounding movie title and the promise of interstellar zombies, especially if that movie was produced in the ’60s for $60. Because all I’m going to get is horrible sound design, pacing that a snail could outrun, and copious scenes that show close-ups of lab equipment and electronics.

I guess I should thank my lucky stars that at least half of the promise of Astro Zombies’ title came true. While outer space has nothing to do with it, there is a member or two of the living dead shambling around here. This is thanks to John Carradine’s mad scientist, who oh-so-very-gradually conducts experiments to mind-control corpses. This is disturbing to all who encounter it, except his sweaty Igor stand-in, who looks like he sniffs other people’s feet on the weekends as a hobby.

But should he be doing this tampering in God’s domain? Considering that his first zombies — who is a guy in a tan suit wearing an alien skull helmet — goes on a rogue “mutilation” serial killing spree, I’d say that this wasn’t the best idea. The whole movie is basically Re-Animator if that film substituted every squicky, exciting scene for long talks between stuffy men in tweed.

After the opening scene where Mr. Zombie lunges out of a shadowy corner to kill a woman in her own home garage, there’s a hope that we’ll be watching this clumsy attacker go on a spree across the world. But instead he disappears for long stretches of time so that we can watch people drive, scientists fidde with lab equipment, and the crustiest of all old white guys talk in monotone about how dire this all is. Want someone to explain what’s actually happening here? Stand in line, pal, and join everyone else who’s ever sat through this.

The problem isn’t that this movie is dull. I mean, it is — almost lethally so. The problem is that Astro Zombies does indeed contain brief moments of interesting visuals, bizarre developments, and outlandish characters. So instead of dismissing this flick out of hand as completely irredeemable, suckers such as myself subject themselves to 80 minutes of terminal boredom for those 10 minutes of fun bits.

Maybe people were more patient in the ’60s (or, more probably, bereft of any good entertainment alternatives), because I crumpled under the strain. Now… now I am a zombie too. And you are my next victim!

Intermission!

• Always check your garages for astro zombies lurking with hammers
• And now a bunch of kids’ toys from the ’60s with a blaring soundtrack
• The blood in this movie is almost neon pink
• Every movie should come to a grinding halt for a very long meeting between ugly old men
• “Quasi-Man”
• DO NOT LOOK AT HER BOW-TIE
• It’s important to get your corpses into the thermal freeze vaults as soon as possible
• This movie stocked up on those shrill noises, didn’t it?
• You can sexually harass your lab assistants, as long as it’s after 5
• And now for some semi-nude bongo dancing…?
• You can shoot someone three times in the chest with no blood
• This movie picked itself up one very sweaty Igor
• If a girl is attacked by a zombie, you’ll want to grab and shake her right afterward to make sure she’s OK