“HEY SNOOKIE POO, HOW’S BUNNY CAKES?”

Justin’s rating: Those were the days. What laughs.

Justin’s review: I mean, you already know why I’m reviewing this flick. You can’t look at that deformed abomination of a puppet and not dare yourself to stare at it head-on until it sucks your soul right out of your tear ducts. Face your fears, I say, or let your fears rule you forever.

Munchie falls squarely in that unwelcome category of TV and movies that feature some sort of impossible creature who can’t shut its mouth to literally save its life. You know, ALF, Shrek’s Donkey, Ernest P. Warrell, about three-fourths the cast of Trolls, and A Gnome Named Gnorm. The hope is that the wisecracking character can endear itself to the audience faster than it drives everyone nuts. Sometimes it’s a coin flip. Here, it’s Dom DeLuise, so you’ve already lost before the opening credits are over.

Little Gage (Jaime McEnnan) just moved into the neighborhood and is having a rough go at it. His mother (Loni Anderson) is dating the creepiest mouthbreather on the planet, the weirdly refined bullies at school pick on him, and he can’t seem to make headway with his crush, a girl named Andrea (a very young Jennifer Love Hewitt!). To compensate for rolling 1s his entire life, Gage continually retreats into Scrubs-like daydreams that are admittedly pretty entertaining. I actually laughed at his funeral when he woke up to thank his mom for the gift of a new Walkman. Alas, the daydream sequences disappear entirely after the first act.

Also on the Gage therapy agenda is the acquisition of a mouthy fantasy sidekick. This would be Munchie, a pint-sized gremlin who’s voiced by the same guy who did Spaceballs’ Pizza the Hut. But nobody believes him, due to all of Gage’s daydreaming and Munchie’s magical ability to disappear. (Well, nobody but Gage’s Einstein-like inventor friend.) So look forward to an hour-and-a-half of comedic misunderstandings and Gage’s eventual reversal of fortunes.

I’ve seen worse acting in a kid’s movie, that’s for sure, but it’s hard to tear your eyes away from Munchie. You know he’s coming for you, with his Chuck E. Cheese animatronic limited motions and ceaseless DeLuise standup patter. Also, his catchphrase is “Arriba! Arriba!” So take whatever time you need to absorb that.

Munchie is kind of like a rogue green-haired genie who can fulfill any magical wish and imitate anyone’s voice. He also wears a variety of scene-specific outfits, including a varsity jacket, renaissance faire tunic, and desert camo. Gage has no problems making fast friends with him, because the implications of weaponizing a character like that are obvious. And sure enough, every enemy falls before the machinations of his pizza-loving, pants-yanking sidekick.

I don’t think I’ve seen a production as aggressively “kid movie” as Munchie, but that I can’t fault too much. It knows its audience and does a good job speaking to that audience’s fantasies (and, let’s not forget, nightmares) while failing to portray anyone under 10 like someone who’s actually seen a child in the real world. When you watch it outside of that demographic — say, as a middle-aged man — you’ll be reminded of certain fever dreams you had after eating bad eggs at that greasy diner.

It’s so surreal, slapsticky, and often age-inappropriate that I couldn’t help but grin. It misses the mark so wildly that it may loop right back around and hit it. Add in a layer of some subversive scenes (did we really need to see the principal mack on the secretary while the whole school listens in? or Munchie getting drunk and then hijacking an airplane?), and you’ve got the recipe for both the worst and best film ever made.

Intermission!

• “Danger: Bottomless Pit!”
• And now for a whole lot of chattering teeth
• Jennifer Love Hewitt as “Love Hewitt”
• You answered the teacher’s question correctly… I’m going to stare at you nonstop for the rest of class
• Oh no, a daydream sequence seven minutes into this film
• Dweebs can’t sit at your table!
• “Show this gentlemen where to eat his lunch” WHAT KID TALKS LIKE THIS
• Most elementary schools have an official executioner and the devil
• Yes, run toward the giant fireball coming out of a garage!
• That boyfriend’s got the creepiest predator moustache and ’80s workout jacket
• What are demerits?
• “I’ve been arrested for bigamy!”
• Ooh a Walkman!
• Munchie’s chest comes with sparklers when opened?
• Munchie makes pizzas fly!
• Yeah the cops aren’t too fond of cooks running around with cleavers waving in the air
• Munchie gets a letter jacket
• Yes, let’s lust after the secretary for a while in this kid’s flick: “I always get a buzz out of you!”
• What principal has an office like this?
• Bunny-Cakes and Snooky-Poo
• Well, someone’s getting fired
• I can’t see with this bucket that I’m obviously holding down on my head!
• Gym teachers aren’t that worried when a student is knocked unconscious
• So Munchie was worshipped by many major religions?
• Loni Anderson’s face is less expressive than Munchie’s
• If you want to order girls from “Hugh,” just sound like Jack Nicholson
• A kid’s party requires a whole lot of balloons and a cop (?) on the drums. And a beer keg. And adult women. WHO APPROVED THIS MOVIE?
• Munchie invented the automobile
• “No more Aztec fishing songs!”
• Delta doesn’t mind if an absent-minded professor and a gremlin take over a plane