“Death to the weak. Wealth to the strong.”

Kat’s rating: The code of the Sam’s is real and can save your life one day.

Kat’s review: Satan?! Pizza?! Campy Mistresses of Darkness?! Count me in, baby! Satanic Panic marks the directorial debut of Chelsea Stardust (what an awesome name!), and is written by Grady Hendrix.

The film follows Sam (Hayley Griffith), a bright-eyed musician and pizza delivery driver who finds herself trapped in the absolute hellscape that is a gated community. Unlike other gated communities, this one comes chock full of haunted forests, hopscotching children, and HOA meetings that involve virginal sacrifices. Sam is thrown into the Lifestyles of the Rich and Satanic (sequel title, anyone?) when a particularly stingy gentleman refuses to tip on his $102 pizza order. I knew rich people were cheap, but damn, trickle-down economics fails us once again.

This movie is a glorious blend of comedy and gore, featuring some pretty intrusive death scenes. I even got to witness someone die from a giant spiked “drilldo!” That’s one for the horror movie bingo sheet.

Satanic Panic is truly entertaining, and the ridiculousness of our Satan worshippers makes this film feel somewhat familiar. If you had wealthy parents, this is probably how they would behave when their virginal sacrifice loses her V-card and they’re stuck with a substitute who keeps escaping. The storyline is predictable, but I wasn’t expecting much when I devoured this film like our Mistress of Darkness devoured her late husband’s soul.

Speaking of our Dark Mistress, one of my favorite elements of the film is her wardrobe! Sign me the heck up for a long silky red robe with feather trim. She is the epitome of style, leadership, and daughter-sacrificing.

Overall, Satanic Panic is a delightfully fun and over-the-top horror-comedy that doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s a perfect movie to enjoy with your fellow HOA members and a slice of pizza. While the story might not be the most original, the film makes up for it with its quirky characters, special effects, and comedic timing. And if you’re a fan of bright red robes with feather trims you might just find some fashion inspiration. So go ahead and indulge in Satanic Panic, you won’t regret it — as long as you’re not a virgin soon to be sacrificed that is.

Intermission!

• How happy is everyone that Sam was able to save a cute fuzzy bunny? Or should I say her firstborn child?
• Why does the soul look like genitalia when it is cooked at 250° for 45 minutes? I think those were the cooking instructions…
• The Mistress of Darkness as I like to call her is played by Rebecca Romikin who is married to Jerry O’Connell, the man that played her husband in I lovemovie. Love that for them.
• Full disclosure I almost ugly cried during the cancer story. I just saw someone puke dirt and worms and you’re going to tell me a story about the love of her life being ripped away from her so suddenly?!