“Don’t go dying on me. Remember, I’m a lawyer. I’ve got friends in hell.”

Justin’s rating: Don’t mess with the Walken

Justin’s review: To my knowledge, Christopher Walken has played about 587 bad guys in movies (from the relatively tame in Wayne’s World 2 to the ultra-creepy Angel Gabriel in The Prophecy) and perhaps one good guy role in The Dead Zone. And even in that one, I highly suspected that Walken wanted to cut loose with his evil and change the plot around to where Nice Guys DO Finish First.

So, the moral of this story is, whenever you are in a movie that also has Christopher Walken roaming around, you get the dodge outta that flick and jump to something safe, like A Bug’s Life. Unfortunately, our dim-witted protagonists have conspired to kidnap mafia kingpin Walken to have him help them get this kidnapped girl back. To help things out not one bit, they cut off one of Walken’s fingers in order to coerce him into action.

Walken, who looks about as annoyed at this development as if a mosquito violated his airspace, gets cool and tells them that they will all die. He knows this, we know this. In about five minutes after the film is over, they all will be dining in hell. The five kids are not as bright, having graduated from “It’s A Good Plan, It Should Work” school, stick to their plan like those rabid musicians did on the deck of the Titanic. Finally, one of them turns to the other and goes, “The plan’s not working out!”

Oh really? It’s so refreshing to actually root for the mafia in a film, since the tension and mystery of this mind-bender drew out to tedium frequently. Don’t get me wrong — it’s a good plot. I wasn’t utterly bored, and it definitely kept one interested. But this movie has been rehashed many times previously.

What’s the suspense here? Are we actually going to see a movie where, yes, everything does go to plan? Where the friends bond closer during the experience? Where even Mafia bosses soften up to say, “If only I was loved as a child”?

We don’t think so, here at the Mutant Reviewers. The bright point of this film is Denis Leary, who is right at home as a strongman. I don’t think many of you will think that the ending is all that brilliant or unexpected, as I pegged it within a half-hour of the first reel.

Andie’s rating: 4.5 hot guys out of 5

Andie’s review: The premise of the movie Suicide Kings is that Avery Chasten’s (Henry Thomas) sister Elise has been kidnapped. So Avery and three of his (very hot) friends decide to kidnap an old mafia boss Charlie Bennet (Christopher Walken). They hold him hostage until he can use his connections to get her back. Unfortunately, these numb-nuts screw everything up, from the actual kidnapping of Charlie to the location they hold him (they don’t tell the owner they’re using it), to how they handle the fact that one of them is a rat and had a part in Elise’s kidnapping.

Personally, I thought this movie was great. I do think that they could’ve had less Denis Leary and his little buddy. The movie would’ve been better if it had been mostly the guys and their hostage in the house and just Denis Leary when it was necessary. But other than that, I really liked it.

Christopher Walken is good and creepy. Johnny Galecki (the kid from Roseanne) gives a great performance as the whiny friend Ira whose house they use without telling him. All the great lines come from either Walken or Galecki. I also liked Jay Mohr (Brett) and Jeremy Sisto (T.K.) a lot. Sean Patrick Flannery (Max) is cute, but he’s kind of a wet rag in this movie and Henry Thomas just annoys me. He was cute in E.T., but not anymore. Overall, this was a cool movie and I will admit that I didn’t have the ending figured out. I had hunches and I was close, but not exactly right. Anyway, Suicide Kings is great.

Toni’s rating: It made me wish I was a roll of duct tape.

Toni’s review: In one of my earlier reviews, I stated that I was a blinded-by-the-light Tim Burton groupie. Which I am. And the only thing that rests higher in my mind than Burton, is Christopher Walken. I may be a Burton groupie but above that I am a total utter diehard Walken-ette. Baby! Isn’t he great? He spent the majority of the movie tied to a chair and bleeding or being disturbingly disco-like in flashbacks and he was -still- the greatest thing since… since…. since stuffed animals that make karate noises when you squeeze them. I love those.

Huh? The movie? It was good. Go rent it. Definitely.

The plot itself is a one we’re all used to at this point. A group of pretty yet mentally lacking folks make a big ol’ perfect plan that -we- know is stupid and then get all surprised when they screw it up royally.

So we have the Brother, the Boyfriend, the Smarmy Med Student, That Guy from SNL and Ira Who IS the Man. Ira has a delightful little psychotic episode near the end. Watch for it. Anyway, these guys kidnap Christopher Walken and make him use his nifty mafia ties to find the Brother’s kidnapped sister. Uh huh. That’ll work. And then Denis Leary and his fish boots get to track our Young Men down and beat the living hell out of a few people on the way. I probably shouldn’t cheer when people get taken out with golf clubs but I just can’t help myself.

Oh, and there’s a plot-twisty bit about a traitor among the Young Men and their descent into paranoia and personal understanding and all that. It’s not a -bad- thing, just stale. I think it must be a prerequisite plot point for black comedies or something. Also, I felt kinda cheated with the “Oh aren’t we clever, bet you didn’t see this one coming” ending but Walken and Leary did get to kill a bunch of people. So I was all full of forgiveness.

In conclusion. Oh I bet grade 10 English teachers get awful tired of those two words. In conclusion, Suicide Kings was worth my three bucks (I think that’s about 10 cents American funds. Bleh.) If you like these ensemble cast, big plan goes bad type movies, rent rent away. It’s that simple. And remind me to tell you about my dream with Denis Leary and ape-men in it. I’ve told everyone else, I may as well tell you guys.