“I was born for trouble.”

Justin’s rating: How come cyborgs in the ’90s have better software integrity than Windows does today?

Justin’s review: Have you become tired of so-called “action” movies that give you diddly-squat in the first hour? Do you want unexplained fight sequences from the get-go? Are you willing to lower your standards? Do you have a secret fetish for fanny packs? If you answered “OH MY YES!” to all four of those, you’ll find nothing but joy in Cyborg Cop 2.

It’s good to know, going into this, that the movie title outright lies to you. There are precisely zero cyborg cops in Cyborg Cop 2. Don’t know why you thought that’d be the case, but then again, you’re a rube. Rather, what we get is a motorcycle-riding cop who’s the world’s last, best, and strangest hope against rogue cyborgs.

Jack Ryan — no, not that one — loses his partner while arresting the notorious and very, very bald criminal known as Starkraven. But at least Starkraven’s sent to death row, so justice is served, right? Ha ha you rube. The government comes in and kidnaps the murderer to transform him into one of several mind-controlled cyborgs who are (a) castrated, (b) armed to the teeth, and (c) resentful of all of this state-funded oppression. So why not rebel?

And rebel they do.

With a gang of murderbots on the lam, the government response is to wet itself and wait for Jack Ryan to handle things. And handle he does, with far more punches and far less bullets than you would assume until you looked at Cyborg Cop 2’s budget.

If you want a movie with plenty of loud fights, exaggerated characters, dramatic slow-mo, Cyborg-O-Vision, and shades of much better scifi action flicks, then come home to Cyborg Cop 2. No plot hole was spared in its creation, nor did the composer ever set eyes on the script. Seriously, this film has one of the most confusing soundtracks I’ve ever encountered, with music that rarely matches the tone and setting. But it’s energetic!

The way I figure, if a movie’s going to be dumb, at least go all-out in throwing stuff our way. Cyborg Cop 2 is rarely boring as it follows this model, especially once the cyborg gang start meandering around, doing mischief, and trying to out-Arnold each other. And with wall-to-wall action setpieces, the only question left is “How many people do you need to see get shot and then do a front-flip for your entertainment?”

For this film, the answer is 247. That should be enough.

Didja notice?

• The jauntiest shooting gang war music ever
• Factory workers are required to work topless, but only if you’re female
• Bullets can strike cars, make sparks, and not leave a single scratch
• Leather jacket? Sunglasses indoors? Big ol’ hog? You’re the movie’s star!
• Everyone in this movie loves doing a flip after they’re shot
• Starkraven’s got the shiniest head of them all
• Prisoners are often rolled around by carts surrounded by chicken wire
• ’90s cyborgs wore electronic baseball caps
• If you’re going to enslave a person via cyborgadgetry, might as well arm them with gatling guns, lasers, and flamethrowers
• So many fanny packs
• Police can go into prisoner’s cells and shove their faces into toilets
• Death row supervisors are surprisingly cool with government agencies taking prisoners away for experiments
• Wait, they removed the cyborg’s testicles?
• This is such a confusing soundtrack
• Make friends in other law enforcement agencies by throwing baseballs at their faces. And then beating some of them up. And then smashing up a desk with a bat.
• Jack Ryan really loves beating up government agents
• Random guy in a case on display at a nuclear power plant
• Cyborgs make a LOT of noise when they move, just so you don’t forget what they are
• Murder by wrapping a long muffler around a guy’s neck. That’s original.
• MOTORCYCLE KICK
• He renamed himself Sparticus?
• Many used cars were destroyed in the making of this movie
• Did he just call her “Officer Bombshell?”
• Killing cyborgs with a welding torch works but takes like four minutes of screen time