“I’m the backwards man, the backwards man, I can run back as fast as you can.”

Justin’s rating: *sobbing softly into my pillow each night*

Justin’s review: Excuse me while I whip out my bad movie résumé. When it comes to so-bad-it-physically-hurts movies, I have seen and reviewed Battlefield Earth, Dungeons & Dragons, all of the animated Lord of the Rings flicks, the abominable Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, and far too many others to recount. I’m not boasting here; there is a point to this.

So when I tell you that it took three attempts to make it through Freddy Got Fingered when I was much younger — the first two times I shut off the television in pure disgust — it should bear some weight with you. Even the third time, in the sight of God and my wife, I was still squirming on the couch, mewling at the terrible horror of the images, and near crying in relief when it was finally over.

Please, PLEASE take it from me: You should never be curious about exactly how bad Freddy is, but instead you should bring every copy you find to a specially prepared bonfire and roast it to save others’ lives. I’m not even joking for comedic license here. Burn all of them.

It’s my personal theory that as quickly as MTV makes cultural icons, they tend to self-destruct soon after. Tom Green is the tarnished example of this, a terribly unfunny personality who starred in his own show wherein he paraded around like a complete buffoon and was a massive jerk to people. Green used his mild success to get – admittedly – amusing bit parts in Charlie’s Angels and Road Trip.

Then, he wrote, directed and starred in his first (and so far, only) major film: Freddy Got Fingered.

It’s as if he deliberately dug his grave by making the most annoying, crude and cruel movie he could imagine, just to tank his career forever. Hey, it worked. The best thing we can say is that after this fiasco, no Hollywood studio will ever give Green such autonomy again in his life.

I know that you’re sitting there reading these dire warnings with a sort of piqued interest in seeing a movie that I pronounce bad. Don’t. Such feelings are to be expected, but don’t assume that this is anywhere near a So-Bad-It’s-Good type of film. If the badness of the movie were merely limited to Tom Green’s shrill antics and stupid brand of comedic acting, I’d be the first to dare you to partake. As it is, Freddy couples that badness with so many revolting factors that it can’t fail but bring bile up in your throat by minute 12.

We’re talking extremely unfunny jokes about molestation, baby abuse, incest, disabilities, and more. We’re talking gross-out scenes that must have given this film crew PTSD for life. We’re talking nonstop profanity, bestiality, and torrents of bodily liquids. I honestly hate that I ever saw this and feel genuinely ashamed for that fact. The only reason that I admit to seeing this is because I feel that there’s some limited service I can perform for you by strongly warning you away from ever seeing this.

Please believe me when I say that not every bad movie has to be seen. If there was a button I could press to completely erase the memory of watching this, I’d slam my hand down on it without hesitation.