Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation (1986) — More feelings, more troubles

“Your evil left you when you admitted how much you care.”

Justin’s rating: Grumpy Bear vs. Grumpy the dwarf… who would win?

Justin’s review: Sometimes… sometimes I think I just let enough time go by so that I’ll forget how bad a movie was, and either subject myself to it again or its sequel in a vain hope that little movie gnomes have crawled inside of DVD cases everywhere and made things better. It doesn’t work. I feel bad.

Happily, whenever my emotions go into a negative downward spiral, little anthropomorphic fuzzy tattooed bears who live in the high atmosphere will receive an alert, come immediately down to my locale, and drug me up with a little “Care Bear Stare.” Thank the heavens for that — I almost had to brave life without their artificial crutch.

The bane of child psychologists everywhere, the Care Bears returned to make Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation and show us once again, it’s okay to feel. Just don’t try to do it so much to strangers on subway cars.

The title gives you the wrong impression; instead of an up-and-coming generation of bears with singular personality traits and powers, CB2 leaps backwards in the vast Care Bear mythos to show us the foundation of Care-A-Lot and the Forest of Feelings and the original Care Bear bunch. If you think that bright primary colors, fat stars, and multi-purpose rainbows are in your future, then come on down!

1 In the beginning, the Care Bears roamed the ocean on a poorly-constructed vessel. 2 Alas, the foul DarkHeart spied their sugary goodness, and dideth strike them down with a mighty storm. 3 But lo! A rainbow from the heavens dideth arrive, and a mighty giant pudgy star saved them all. 4 His name was Percy. 5 And lo did Percy bestow special “stare” powers onto the bellies of these creatures, along with the power of mass merchandising. 6 The Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins (second cousin, son of Gerald, brother-in-law of Steve, godfather of Don Corleone) grew up in peace, 7 only to meddle in the affairs of underage little people everywhere.

I don’t think I could keep on doing that and retain my sanity.

Like the first Care Bear Movie, CB2 is a mix of 10% idiotic songs, 25% discussions about “feelings” and why it’s good to feel them, and 65% barren wasteland where a plot once resided but long since dried up and turned to dust. A few kids are being picked on at camp, and the evil shape-shifting DarkHeart seduces one to the DarkHeart side of the force in order to capture the fledgling Care Bears. The Care Bears, threatened to the core of their existence, have no choice but to break out the bowie knives and Molotov cocktails.

Yeah, right. If you can’t see an ending coming where the general “goodness” of Care Bearing is enough to overcome one measly bad guy and convert him, then you’re oblivious to this universe. I envy you. You might even be able to see the sick reality of the Care Bears in stark relief — these insidious creatures exist to do no less than forcibly inject their own emotional states into others, rending their souls away from free will, and turning them into mere husks of their former selves.

In this, I salute the forces of grumpy and manic-depressive emotions everywhere. Brothers and sisters, every time one of you has an argument, every time you get cranky at a slow McDonald’s clerk, every time you flip a careless driver off on the freeway, you’re furthering the cause of freedom by keeping the Caring at bay. Bless you, bless you all.

Didja notice?

  • Are Care Bears into tattoos?
  • Their cheekbones are almost secondary arms
  • They stole that fight move from Luke vs. Rancor in Jedi
  • Rainbows can lift ships and fix them
  • Really bad lip synching
  • A giant talking star? SURE!
  • Grumpy Bear is kinda smiley
  • The Care Bears are saviors of us all!
  • Tummy-chute
  • Totem poles moving on their own draw no attention
  • Losers can only share their feelings
  • More child abduction via cloud car AND child labor!
  • She’s into marbles. Eh.
  • The Care Bears grew into adult maturity in the course of an afternoon?
  • Random Tree Killers! Evil Moose!

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