The Mutant Summit 2000

summit

In November of 2000, two of the most powerful forces on this planet earth collided in Detroit, MI. Our Beloved PoolMan (aka “Sean Poole”) flew out to spend a week with Our Mean Taskmaster Head Mutant (aka “Justin Olivetti”), and thus the Mutant Summit 2000 took place. Here follows a record of those events from both parties.

Day -3
Sean begins his Canadian Immunization by attending a Tragically Hip concert in Vancouver.

Day -2
Sean continues Canadian Immunization by attending a Vancouver Canucks hockey game. We beat the American New York Rangers 4 to 3. Victory!

Day -1
Sean begins selfless gift buying for Justin and his little legion of youths.

Day 1: Sunday, Nov 19, 2000
PoolMan: Sean is on the EARLY flight to Denver, CO. The flight attendant closely resembles Mrs Lauder from the Drew Carey Show. The plane departs late, but at least the captain’s funny (he lets us know he’s got tickets to the Denver Broncos game that afternoon, so he was motivated!). Watch Chicken Run without sound on the plane. The guy sitting next to me orders two Becks, and is mysteriously not charged for them. I file that bit of infoaway… The flight out of Denver to Detroit is overbooked, but Sean passes on $600 US incentive to take next flight so he can make the Youth Group meeting later that night. What a guy! Approaching Detroit, Sean sees probably the coolest sunset ever, trapped between two layers of fiery cloud. Moments later, he is surrounded by snow as he dips below the clouds to land.

Justin greets Sean at the airport bearing a “Bearded Mama” sign, which wasn’t conspicuous in the least. Oh no.

Meets Justin at the airport. Laughs at the “Bearded Momma” sign Justin is holding. Much handshaking and chitchat ensues. Sean makes a vain attempt not to stare at Justin’s red pants. Canadian Night at the Youth group meeting is a great success. Bacon is flung, Canuck trivia is asked, and Sean receives two “God Loves You” crosses. Excelsior!

Back at the Bachelourpad of Doom (BOD), Justin and Sean watch Hudson Hawk, and do not go to bed until about 2 am. This is pretty typical pacing for the rest of the week.

Memorable line: “If I had to choose between drinking my own pee or eating my crap, I’d go with the pee.” (Justin)

Justin: Let’s just get this out in the open, since I’m sure Sean’s going to make much mention of it in the rest of this journal: it was very freakin’ cold in Detroit that week. Colder than it’s ever been that year, in fact, and I think it was due to PoolMan bringing his cold weather masses down with him (gee, don’t they declare that at customs?).

Justin, holding a sign that reads “Bearded Momma”, meets ‘n greets PoolMan in the airport. Our height differences are readily noticable, although small children do come up and punch PM for no good reason, showing that they are not afraid of his Goliath stature.

PM assists Justin in his senior high youth group, which hosts “Canadian Night”. Highlights include PM branding the kids with maple leaf tattoos, teens flinging canadian bacon across the room, and a viewing of a clip from Canadian Bacon.

Back at Justin’s pad, the true Summit began as they relished a viewing of Hudson Hawk, which PoolMan had never seen. Despite PoolMan over-nitpicking this weird film (“Hm, didn’t that mirror ornament change three times in that scene?”), the first movie of the Summit is declared a success. Justin makes PoolMan blow up his own bed, and a couple hours of Final Fantasy 9 rounds out the night. Mmm… trance.

Mental note: If you happen to be comfortable lounging around in boxers, make sure to say that before dropping your pants and scaring the hell out of your visitor.

Day 2: November 20, 2000

Sean flogs the dolphin. ‘Nuff said.

PoolMan: Up at 10 am, we hit Denny’s for breakfast. This is the start of another trend. Back to church! Sean meets Pastor Steve, who brandishes a wooden cross instead of shaking his hand. Sean laughs it off, but secretly wants desperately to crawl back into his coffin.

Trip to the mall! Justin runs around American Eagle like he owns the place, and we take incriminating pictures of ourselves and Santa Claus. Sean buys his new favourite shirt with an Atari logo on it. We go to J’s local video store and rent The Doom Generation, Spice World, and Ernest Goes to School. Justin shakes his head sadly.

Back at the BOD, Justin receives a telesales call, and proceeds to ruin the salesperson’s day. Up until now I thought he was a pretty nice guy! We watch Doom Generation (Ah! My brain!) and Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion. It’s not enough to chefer us up.

Justin: Can’t believe we stayed up till 2am last night. Final Fantasy 9 curse. Justin treats PM to American culinary delights at Denny’s for breakfast. At 11am, Justin finally gets to work at church. PoolMan meets pastor Steve, who comes in the room wielding a crucifix at our Canadian pagan (seriously).

Justin and Mr. Nips, the Super-Pink Camel of Destiny

Despite the bitter cold, the duo dives inside to the mall and decides to re-enact that Kevin Smith film (Clerks). Highlights of the mall excursion included asking reluctant strangers to take our picture, Justin uncomfortably posing with a manniquin at Victoria’s Secret, dancing to “In The Air Tonight” at Subway, and pondering the existance of our hands.

Back to MRFH temp HQ, we bit the bullet and got our viewing of The Doom Generation out of the way. Screams, gasps, “I did NOT just see that”, Domino’s delivery, and PoolMan’s shocked silence later, we were again horribly scarred for life. We did find the chink in Doom Generation’s armor, though – mocking it together with our dragon-style kung fu wit.

By this point, Sean had firmly established in his mind that I sound like the Comic Store Guy from the Simpsons (I do not), and we thus spent the rest of the week making comments like “Best breakfast ever” and “Worst waitress ever” and “Best commercial ever. We really never got sick of doing that, even though many people around us did.”

Day 3: November 21, 2000
PoolMan: No time for breakfast, Dr Jones! We’re off to Bible study at Mount Hope! (for the curious, we did Romans 5:1 to 11) Sean is not normally the churchgoing type, but talks a lot during the study. Occasionally, he sounds like he knows what he’s doing.

After much waiting in Justin’s office, we go to see Charlie’s Angels for free at a local theater. Apparently Justin knows one of the managers. It’s all good! We then proceed to terrorize Toys R Us. Highlights include an impromptu game of hockey between the aisles, and the amazing robotic dog with radar ears, whose main function seems to be rolling forward and back. Wow.

We enjoyed dinner at a mob-run restaurant a couple of blocks from Justin’s house. Sean engulfs roughly 5 pounds of fried chicken. His heart has yet to resume beating. We enjoy a freshly purchased copy of X Men on DVD, followed by a course of Army of Darkness for dessert. Ah, this is the life!

Justin: Okay, I just like Denny’s! Where else can you get cheap food served cold and surrounded by people who have just graduated from homeless academy? But I do feel bad I dragged PM here so much. Ah, well, he shall survive.

You can read about our experiences while seeing Charlie’s Angels in our review, but it was a good time had by all. PoolMan was honestly torn over what type of movie snack food to buy, so he settled on (I swear this is true) Care Bear Gummi Bears. I so respected his confidence in his masculinity by choosing this that I sat four seats away in the theater so people wouldn’t think I was sitting with the Care Bear Freak.

Another common theme of the week was my trusty disposable camera, and never actually bringing it with us anywhere. We had desired to give you a complete photo journal, but every time something cool would happen with one of us, we would realize that the camera was (where else) in the car. Thus, although you have 15 excellent pictures from our Summit, there were many experiences that went unrecorded by film, such as playing hockey in Toys R Us. The rolling robo-dog PoolMan referred to up above was being promoted in store on a TV, and the looping commercial was so enthusiastic in its lines that we had to keep repeating them.

Announcer: What planet are YOU from?

Kid: That’s AMAZING!
Announcer: WAIT! yadda yadda yadda

Day 4: November 22, 2000
PoolMan: Finally get to really sleep in… didn’t get up till 11:30 or so? And it’s lunch at Denny’s! (told you it was a trend) Justin chokes on two plates of sausage and threatens legal action.

We cleaned out the Youth House at the church. Sean sets up a makeshift hockey rink on the game room floor. This is sure to be lots of fun for the kiddies seeking a higher balance of vitamin Canuck in their diet.

Burrito Binge!!! The Mutants stop at Taco Bell to ingest Mexican food. Sean is so impressed that he buys 5 chili and cheese burritos for the road, which will learn a new definition of pain as they are to be slowly digested over the next thousand years.

Took in the OHL Plymouth Whalers against the Sarnia Sting. Sean is new at cheering for an American team, but does so anyways. Whalers win 6-3, crowd goes insane. Junior highers with us scream at immeasurably high pitches every time one player touches another.

Watched Spice World at the BOD. Huh? We’re both confused, but Sean still finds it funny. Justin does not. Slap fighting ensues.

Justin: Wednesday was really about the hockey game. Sure, it’s just OHL, but you’re guarunteed to get good seats, and the players have no qualm about beating the living crap out of each other. I like that. We took my junior high youth group to see it, and they’re always fun. Wait, not fun, but bloodthirsty. I got into the game, Sean got into the game, but the junior highers nearly had to be physically restrained from leaping onto the ice to either (1) declare their love for a “really hot guy” or (2) kicking the opposing team’s kneecaps. I got myself a broken hockey stick as a souveneir.

A note on Final Fantasy 9: I just purchased this game a couple days before Sean’s arrival, and I am fanatical about beating these types of games. So out of respect to my guest I spent only the early mornings and late nights playing this fabulous game, but fortunately PM liked to be a spectator and wax on about the glory days of Final Fantasy 3 (listening to him, you would eventually believe that FF3 cured cancer and caused massive increases in your SAT scores).

Day 5: November 23, 2000
PoolMan: After a late start, we check out Unbreakable. This time Justin is satisfied, and Sean is not. More namby pamby name calling. We head straight to the LaBelle’s house, where we enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with the family. Sean and Justin are treated as freakish, odd smelling sons, but sons nonetheless. Sean totally enjoys the experience, playing with the kids and watching Star Wars with Rob.

Head home for the umpteenth Final Fantasy IX marathon. Cool game, so Sean considers buying Playstation. Then he remembers how much the airfare was to get to Detroit, and decides against it.

Justin: During the week, most of the people we bumped into found us a fascinating oddity. Two strangers meeting for the first time after a long internet relationship, and not wanting sex from each other. When people asked, I let Sean explain how the whole thing happened, and what our site is about (whatever that is). Pastor Steve helped us out by e-mailing our web address to most of the church members.

Star Wars is not your typical Thanksgiving day fare, but it suited Rob and Sean and I just fine. The three of us tried to outdo each other with obscure SW trivia, but Sean took the cake at the end when he knew the Star Wars name of that old Rebel Alliance leader guy (“Oh, that’s Corban Dair [or something like that],” he said, which prompted me to shake my head for the rest of the night mourning his soul).

Day 6: November 24, 2000
PoolMan: Downtown Plymouth, home of the Box Bar and Grill. The waitress Jen is very sweet, and offers to look the other way as Sean steals the pitcher his pop came in.

Off to visit Pastor Steve’s house! Sean meets the family, but fails to convince either daughter to take them out on the town that night. Justin immediately informs Steve of the stealing incident at the Box. Steve looks for the cross.

Bowlerama! The Head Mutants go to the local lanes (complete with Justin’s ball, Lulu) for a few games. Sean wins all three games played, despite Justin’s Bill Murray-like style of bowling. Highest score on either side, any game: 127. We’re pretty sad.

Drive to Ann Arbor, a cool college town about a half hour away from Plymouth. We take in the Mongolian Barbecue, which pretty much goes like this: take as much meat as you want, watch maniacs cook it in front of you, and repeat. Awesome, awesome fun, and we left stuffed. Missing the sea, Sean’s second plate is almost entirely composed of squid cooked in sweet chili sauce. Mmmmmmmm…

Now high on the possibility of going out and socializing, we drive around for roughly 2 hours looking for a bar in Plymouth, but absolutely FAIL to find one!!! We go back to the Box, figuring it would be just as fun as that morning, but the presence of 3 year old children and no waitress to take our order convinces us otherwise. So we drive some more. On the plus side, all this time in the car lets us have a great opportunity to do an hour long Simpsons Singalong with Justin’s Simpsonic CD. Much fun was had. After the Drive With No End, we give up and go home to watch Better Off Dead and the last half of Barb Wire. Sean says: “Buh?” to both movies, but enjoys the experience. Laughing at Pamela Lee is easier than you might think!

As this is the last night, Sean presents Justin with a thank you gift for all his hospitality. Justin now owns a miniature BC license plate with his name on it, and a Vancouver Canada coffee mug. Shameless crying, hugging, and warm fuzzies follow.

Justin: The thing you have to remember is that I just moved here a few months ago. Not having a lot of friends my age around here yet, I don’t know most of the social spots to visit. This made me feel terribly bad as we wandered forever just to find a bar, and I think the town of Livonia hid all of them for the night just as a practical joke. Sorry, PoolMan! But that said, the town of Ann Arbor is a really cool spot to visit. The Mongolian Barbeque is a terrific place to visit, even if — out of an entire selection of very desirable waitresses — we got the one perky male waiter who made us want to hide when he came around. But there’s just something about having a bowl of raw meat in your hands as you stand in line that makes you thank God you’re a man.

I am not ashamed to admit: I stink at bowling. Some days I’m okay, but this time I was really off my game. Plus, Sean started this “punch me in the arm” thing after every frame, possibly as a male bonding thing, and I fear I hit him back a bit too hard that last time. “You mean Americans,” he said. “You always have to pick on the weak 6’3″ kickboxing Canucks!”

Day 7: November 25, 2000
PoolMan: Breakfast at Denny’s… sounds like a good movie, doesn’t it? But instead, it’s business as usual, as we once again take over the local eatery. If Sean was there another week, I’m sure they would have let him cook there. Straight from Denny’s to the airport, we arrive 3 and a half hours early for Sean’s flight. So, he curls up on the bench at his gate and sleeps his way to flight time. On his way home, Sean reflects on probably having gained 7 pounds during the week, and the new friend he’s had to leave behind. On the flight home, Sean orders a Becks, and is mysteriously not charged. If there’s one thing he learned on this trip, it’s to order Becks on flights, cause you never get billed for them!

Memorable line: “Ah, Saturday. You know what that means! New pants day!” (Justin)

Justin: I hate goodbyes. It didn’t help any that it was a very rainy day and we timed the arrival to the airport early by a few thousand minutes. But I can say this: Sean is a very easy guy to hang around with, if you get used to the fact that he likes to torment those nearest and dearest (or at least closest in the car). It’s great that the MRFH has brought me some great friends, and I’m glad that we had a good time this week. I wish that I knew more fun sights to take Sean to, and I think a road trip is in order for our next meeting. Maybe even then we could have more mutants there as well!

Justin’s Closing Thoughts, Since PoolMan Wrote A Following Novel And I’d Feel Guilty If I Didn’t Write Something

Notes and other thoughts from the Summit:

1. We both wish that we could get paid for MRFH and have an office building and an eventual corporate empire. Except we have no idea what people would actually pay us to do.

2. Sean is tall. Really tall. Very very very very tall. He also takes forever in the bathroom. He’s also cuddly when you get him liquered up. I learned that when Sean is shocked, he gets very quiet. He was nearly silent through most of Doom Generation.

3. In my defense, I do eat at places other than Denny’s.

4. But enough me, Sean has more to say since, after all, it was his visit. So pay attention in the back rows!

PoolMan’s Thoughts on Mutant Summit 2000

It’s always a good sign when you step off a long flight and see something worth laughing at. Doubly good is when that something is your ride. From the moment I got off the plane for the Mutant Summit 2000, Justin was absolutely hysterical, with his “Bearded Momma” sign and quirky demeanor. I knew this would be a fun week. But where to begin?

THE BACHELOURPAD OF DOOM!

Well, let’s start with the basics. The Bachelourpad of Doom (Justin’s apartment) is a thing of beauty. It’s a shrine to masculinity and living single. Boxes and laundry everywhere, movie posters all over the place, and magazines everywhere you turn. There’s a box of video game mags next to the CAN, for God’s sake! Awesome!

Although I was a little put off initially by this, Justin owns a mannequin. No, really! Her name is Quinn (which, to be honest, I didn’t really get until I got home), and she wears a leather helmet and goggles, and just generally stands in the corner freaking you out. Until you get to know her, and then it’s cool. She’s very loyal, too. I tried to give her my number, but she kept insisting she couldn’t leave Justin. Or at least, that’s what he told me she was saying.

The pad itself is actually a pretty big apartment, and I was allowed a bedroom to myself. Sadly, I was made to sleep on a vinyl mattress that was probably manufactured the day before I got there, and the fumes that came off the darned thing were literally intoxicating. (An experience I highly recommend, especially if you’re still lightheaded from blowing it up.) Justin’s building is very nice, and it had a workout room that I exercised in all of once. But it was cool.

As for Justin himself, what a card. Now, you have to remember, we’ve been checking out each other’s personalities over email for a good couple of years now. When you keep such a regular correspondance with a guy, you think you know him. Then you show up at his house, and he walks around without any pants on. Seriously. First night, we’ve been in each other’s company for all of three hours, we get into his place, and whoosh! Off go the pants! Thankfully, he wears shorts under the pants, but still, if you’re not expecting it, it’s quite a surprise. Kind of like being lost in the dark in one of those parks with the natural geysers that shoot up from the ground and not having a schedule. Did that make sense?

It’s worth noting that Justin’s fridge contained several fruit cups, 2 bottles of ketchup, and 2 bottles of mustard. I had to stock it with beer myself. Thankfully, I’m the only one who really drank any.

3 comments

  1. This is really creepy, because I started reading mrfh after getting exposed by Syp’s (Justin’s) blog Bio Break… and I’ve never been exposed to him as a Bachelor, much less having a ‘Bachelor Pad’… Scarred for life.

    ps… why bachelour… is that a Canadian thing?

    • Having lived under the oppression of the British Empire longer than us, Our Northern Bretheren are still inclined to feature the vestigial U when they write. The reason said vestigial U is not seen in the Good Old U.S. of A. is because Noah Webster (creator of the famous dictionary) didn’t like it.

  2. It’s weird going back in time like that, but that was the main reason I wanted to make this a retro feature: I think it’s fascinating (and kind of adorable).

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