“Are you writing down in that book that I’m a pirate?” “Well… In a manner of speaking… I suppose one could say that, yes.” “Good! Because I am one. And a damn good one too.”

The Scoop: 1983 PG, directed by Ferdinand Fairfax and starring Tommy Lee Jones, Michael O’Keefe, and Jenny Seagrove

Tagline: Partners in Piracy. Rivals in Romance. Allies in Adventure.

Summary Capsule: Milquetoast lad joins with charismatic pirate captain to save his kidnapped yet strong lady.

Eunice’s rating: Because pirates ARRR awesome!

Eunice’s review: The time is just pre-WWI. The classic pirate age is all but dead, and the new high pressure steam engine is about to revolutionize sea travel. The story opens with Bully Hayes, an honorable sort of pirate — you know, living under no man’s law and not afraid to kill pirate in spirit, but doesn’t rape, pillage, murder, or kick puppies — about to be executed after a gun running deal goes bad and puts him on the wrong side of the Spanish crown. While talking to a writer he reminisces about how he ultimately ended up in this mess…

Nathaniel and Sophie have just crossed the sea to become missionaries alongside Nathaniel’s aunt and uncle in The Islands. They arrive safely at their destination courtesy of Captain Bully Hayes. Sophie takes a shine to the ruggedly charming Hayes over her uptight Havard educated fiance, and he thinks she’s pretty nifty too. Even so, they part ways, Hayes to continue his life on the high seas and Sophie to marry Nathaniel. Unfortunately, on the wedding day, the island is attacked by a group of “black birders” (slave suppliers) who either kill or capture everyone, including Sophie. Nathaniel (hereafter called Nate) survives the attack and, thinking Hayes is responsible, sets off to save Sophie and get a side dish of revenge. When he finds Hayes he learns that a bad pirate -we know he’s a bad pirate, because not only is he a slaver, but has hairy teeth and deals with Germans (ze Germans!!)- named Ben Peese. They team up to save Sophie and adventure and daring-do follows.

Pirates are (Yet another…) one of my favorite movie tropes. Yar, yo-ho-ho, sword fighting, pistol brandishing, romanticized movie pirates. So, yes, I love this movie.

With Raiders of the Lost Ark having come out in ’81, Nate and Hayes doesn’t just rely on being a pirate movie and call it a day. Instead, it works at being a solid adventure story, with the characters traveling and fighting all over the place. And fun? You betcha! Human sacrifices! Cannibals! ‘splosions! German war ships! A pirate ninja! While never dipping into self parody or wackiness, there’s also a nice sense of humor through the whole thing.

The characters are pretty solid too. Tommy Lee Jones definitely is the star of the show, painting his rogue with morals Hayes as someone who just enjoys life with his southern drawl and sly smile. Michael O’Keefe (who, yes, used to have an actual movie career) starts out wooden because Nathaniel is quite wooden, but becomes more natural as the character becomes more likable and less hotheaded. Nate and Hayes have some good ’80s style buddy moments that are mostly devoid of angst from the love triangle part of the story.

And thankfully the love triangle is just a part of the story. These two guys happen to be in love with the same woman. That woman is in danger. So let’s be all cool, go save her, and not sweat the small stuff. It helps that Sophie is no shrinking violet. She fights, and tries to escape by strangling a guy with her chains, and bravely faces certain death and is just a capable female character. Jenny Seagrove balances lady with adventuresome lass very well I think. And the skeevy yet business-like and intelligent Ben Peese makes a decent villain for the protagonists to go up against.

Now if you’re reading this thinking, ‘wait a minute, Eunice! Pirates? A love triangle between a cool captain, an uptight young guy, and a well bred girl looking for adventure? Sounds like Pirates of the Caribbean to me!’ Well, I can’t completely deny there are similarities. But there’s no magic or curses. And the overall feel is more grown up with the lack of wacky and, despite the PG rating, the amount of blood spilling (they kill old people and bodies twitch and you can see blood splatter, that sort of thing).

It’s a fun ’80s adventure story with strong characters that happen to be pirates.

Intermission!

• “Tommy Lee Jones’ character was based on a real-life pirate. Bully Hayes was active in the South Pacific during the mid 19th century, until his murder in 1877.”

Groovy Quotes

Bully Hayes: You sound like a very sad and bitter old lady, Ben.

Bully Hayes: Are you writing down in that book that I’m a pirate?
Fictioneer: Well… In a manner of speaking… I suppose one could say that, yes.
Bully Hayes: Good! Because I am one. And a damn good one too.

Mrs Williamson: Moaka, please do not refer to the Reverend and I as “Big Man God” and “Mama Jesus Christ!”

Ben Peese: Can’t trust women. Even when they’re dead.

Ben Peese: You ever show your pink little behind around there, he’ll have you screwed, tattooed, and served up with an apple in your mouth.

Ratbag: Bloody hell! I robbed a bleeding messiah!

Bully Hayes: Wait a minute, Nate! Let’s let Sophie decide her own fate. Let’s let her decide which of us she’ll have. She’s a man of her own, it’s only fair.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
• Shipwrecked
• The Indiana Jones movies