“What do I need manners for? I already got me a wife.”

The Scoop: 1954, Directed by Stanley Donan and starring Jane Powell, Howard Keel and Russ Tamblyn.

Tagline: LUSTY, MIRTHFUL GIRL-STEALING MUSICAL! . . . with Seven Great Songs!

Summary Capsule: After a backwoodsman comes home with a wife, his six younger brothers decide to kidnap women for themselves. Dance battles ensue.

Courtney’s rating: What girl wouldn’t fall in love with a ballet-dancing lumberjack, let alone seven?

Courtney’s review: Seven Brides for Seven Brothers is, quite honestly, my favorite musical of all time. I hesitate to call it a guilty pleasure; sure, it’s cheesy and doesn’t exactly reflect modern values, but I’m not in any way ashamed to declare my love for it. As it turns out, I have little cause to be – it’s generally regarded as a seminal film in the musical genre.

We start off in Oregon, circa 1850. Adam Pontipee, a burly mountain man played by Howard Keel, comes to town to find a wife. He meets Milly, a sweet but fiesty cook played by Jane Powell. The two instantly form an attraction and get married the same day. When Adam takes her to his isolated home in the mountains, Milly’s shocked to find that he lives with his six brothers: Benjamin, Caleb, Daniel, Ephraim, Frank and Gideon (named in alphabetical order, all after Old Testament figures except Frank, which is short for Frankincence as there were no F-names to choose from.)

Having never left the mountain themselves, the younger Pontipees have never seen a woman except their long-dead mother, and have no sense of proper social skills. Milly decides to teach them how to court ladies and get them all married off. Her plan seems to work as the brothers venture into town and hit it off with some girls there. But they can’t let go of their brutish ways for long, and a brawl ruins their chances at marriage. Adam has a brilliant idea; one night, they kidnap the girls, then cause an avalanche in the mountain pass to their home so that the girls can’t be rescued until spring.

You can see where a modern feminist might have a couple of issues with this movie at first glance; women are routinely manipulated by men, Stockholm Syndrome seems like a good basis for marriage, and several of the song lyrics compare women to livestock.

But what makes Seven Brides work is that it does all this with its tongue in its cheek. Songs like “Bless Your Beautiful Hide” or “Sobbin’ Women” are so gleefully over the top they couldn’t possibly offend anyone. It’s like the movie was aiming to be hilariously ironic 5 decades before hipsters would plague society and ruin irony for the rest of us!

Milly’s awesome as a heroine. She’s strong-willed and sassy, and refuses to be bullied by her husband. In a single day she establishes herself as the head of the household; if she’s going to feed and clean after seven wild men, it’ll be on her terms. Adam is a perfect foil for her. He’s a conniving, stubborn misogynist and a bad example to his naive brothers, and most of the film’s tension comes from his and Milly’s opposing viewpoints.

The younger Pontipees prove to be more open-minded than him and love Milly as their new sister. Much of the humor comes from these quick-tempered, uncivilized mountain men trying to learn social skills. They always fail miserably, but their persistence is endearing. Their six brides are all ninnies almost entirely devoid of Milly’s independent streak. But they are played as comedic caricatures, and there are just too many to flesh them out as anything else. One of them’s Catwoman, so that’s pretty cool.

Any review of Seven Brides is incomplete without mention of the epic barn raising dance. And I really mean epic – Caleb, Daniel, Ephraim and Frank are played by Matt Mattox, Marc Platt, Jacques D’Amboise and Tommy Rall, four of the greatest dancers of their time, and Gideon’s played by acrobat Russ Tamblyn (Riff from West Side Story, father to Amber) in his acting debut. (Jeff Richards, who plays Benjamin, was hired for his acting skill and sits out for most of the number.) Watching them show off is incredible, and choreographer Michael Kidd really did a great job of incorporating the props and set-pieces in a sequence that to this day is considered a classic example of dance in cinema.

Seven Brides is a hugely enjoyable musical that doesn’t take itself too seriously. The characters are likable, the music is catchy, and the jokes hold up well today (there are even a couple dirty jokes in between the lines that made it past censors.) It’s fun, bright and has its heart in the right place. There is absolutely no need to feel guilty over it.

Al’s rating: “No, you are not allowed to dance with your axes like that. No, stop it. No, you–oh, great, now they’re all doing it.”

Al’s review: I was lured to Seven Brides for Seven Brothers with the promise of a good Dorcas. See, a few months ago, I found myself corresponding with a young woman named Dorcas for work. Not realizing people still named their daughters Dorcas, I felt it worthy of bringing up elsewhere and one of our readers directed me to this film, promising it not only had a pretty excellent Dorcas in it, it was a great musical to boot.

One hour and forty-two minutes later, I can confirm that there is indeed, a pretty excellent Dorcas in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. She’s sassy and acerbic and, despite her limited screen time, makes herself seem a lot more interesting than all the rest of the women in the film put together. It’s also worth noting she’s played by a young Julie Newmar, whose waist is so tiny it’s almost freakish.

The rest of the movie, though… well, is it possible to like a musical and hate all the songs in it? It’s not an angry hate, mind you. It’s more like being paralyzed in disbelief by the sheer volume of crappy songs that are shoved into this film. They sing about how wonderful it is to get married in June. They sing about the proper way to get a date. They sing about how the men are chopping wood and they’re all sad or something. It’s just hell.

Okay, let me back up a moment here. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers is the story of Adam Pontipee (Howard Keel), a backwoodsman who goes to town one day to find a wife and marries a local girl named Milly (Jane Powell). Upon returning to Adam’s farm, however, Milly discovers why you shouldn’t get married on the first date: Adam has six wild brothers who live with him and he now expects her to cook, clean, and play mother for everyone. Instead of running back home and getting divorced as fast as she can, Milly stupidly decides it would be far easier to tame the seven Pontipees and find wives for all of them. Thus, instead of one nice, quick song about the joys of annulment, we get dance instructions and lessons about etiquette and when to use which fork at the dinner table and blah blah blah choke gag die.

Unfortunately, all of Milly’s hard work fails to pay off when the men of town, afraid for their women, embarrass the Pontipees and goad them into a public brawl. Adam is undeterred, though, and convinces his brothers that the only logical course of action is to kidnap women from town and imprison on the farm until everyone falls in love. Yes, it turns out this is a story about that old standby of musical theater, Stockholm Syndrome. And what could be even more messed up than that plot development? The plan works. The brides and the brothers fall in love and everyone lives happily every after. I mean, seriously? C’mon, National Organization for Women! You should be all over this!

Actually, as long as everyone is resisting the urge to burst into song over the delights of shoveling out the barn, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers is a lot of fun, in a 1950’s cornball sort of way. In fact, I’ll even put my man card at risk and mention that, while the songs were excruciating, the dancing was fantastic. The choreography at the barn-raising was as fun and complex as anything else I’ve seen on film, from musicals to kung-fu movies.

It’s certainly not for everyone, but I really did have a great time watching this. It’s completely goofy and beyond absurd, but it made the theater geek in my heart beam with enjoyment and—let’s face it—this may be your only chance to see a movie with a lady named Dorcas in it. Just keep the mute button handy.

Intermission:

• MGM considered this a B-movie during production. For this reason, the budget was slashed in half, forcing Donan to film on a set with painted backdrops instead of on location as he originally planned. The money that was cut was used to help produce Brigadoon, a much more expensive musical that MGM expected to be their biggest hit of the year. Seven Brides ended up being the bigger success both critically and commercially, and even played at Radio City Music Hall in the slot originally intended for Brigadoon.
• The filmmakers decided to make the Pontipee Brothers all red-headed in order to distinguish them from the townsmen.
• Reportedly Howard Keel’s personal favorite movie of his.
• Censors had a field day with this film. One of its earlier title, A Bride for Seven Brothers, had to be changed as it suggested polygamy, and the song “Lonesome Polecat” raised a few eyebrows for the line “a man can’t sleep when he sleeps with sheep.” The filmmakers got away with that one by not showing the brothers and any sheep in the same shot.

Groovy Quotes:

Adam: You’re beating your head against a stone wall, Milly. You’ll never make jackadandies outta them.

Milly: Say something nice, Gideon.
Gideon: Uh, nice night for a coon hunt.

Milly: Which one is Ephraim and which is Daniel?
Ephraim and Daniel: Me.

Milly: Don’t you like girls?
Gideon: We ain’t never hardly ever seen one.

Dorcas: Which one of the boys slept in this bed, do you think?
Liza: Dorcas Gailen!
Dorcas: What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever thought of it? That you’re sleeping in one of their beds?

Alice: I think it’s wonderful, love at first sight!
Mrs. Elcott: Alice! What kind of talk is that?

Adam: What do I need manners for? I already got me a wife.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• • Kiss Me Kate
  • Oklahoma!
  • The Music Man