“Friends don’t let friends drink and surf”

The Scoop: 2000 R, directed by Michael Cooney and starring Christopher Allport, Eileen Seeley and Scott MacDonald

Tagline: He’s icin’ & slicin’!

Summary Capsule: The world’s only killer snowman returns for revenge at a tropical island resort, making complete logical sense.

Justin’s rating: A snowball is a terrible thing to waste

Justin’s review: I have faced the fact that I am pretty much the only member of the Official Jack Frost Fan Club, and it strengthens my soul. There’s a limit to how much people take my recommendations, and telling family and friends to watch the original killer snowman movie brought many people’s faith in me to the breaking point. But gosh-diddly-darn-it, I thought it was a stinkin’ funny film! Still do. Got that, Sean?

But knowing that Jack Frost wasn’t insanely popular (despite my efforts to make it seem so by renting it from every Blockbuster I raided) raises the question: why Jack Frost 2? It could be that we as free nations lack a solid threat against us, and filmmakers sought to solidify unity against horror snow, but it could also just be to make a quick buck. In any case, I spent another Christmas at my house with a holiday classic that brought the question of my sanity to my family’s lips.

“Justin, how have we failed you as parents?” my mother cried, tears of guilt lining her cheeks. “Why can’t you just convert to the Church of Tom Hanks like the rest of us?”

Jack Frost 2 (still 100% Michael Keaton-free) details the giddy adventures of the grumpy snowman who doesn’t know the meaning of the word “melt.” Some secret government agency not only brings him back to life, but gives him some additional powers, like being anti-freeze resistant. The secret ingredient? Coffee. One must wonder if the Pentagon has a whole division of stupid scientists that devote their time to tampering with nature, bringing horror and destruction into the world without really saving us on gas costs.

Because he is haunted by the memories of Jack Frost, Sheriff Sam (known to his family as “nutty fruitcake”) flees with family and friends to the tropics, where there is nary a snowman in sight. Or. So. He. Thinks. Predictably, our bad guy chases him to the resort, freezing an entire island and slaughtering the inhabitants with a remarkable lack of nudity or gore. This boggles the mind, actually, since the horror content has been toned DOWN from the first movie, choosing instead to have most of the violence and implied sorority nekkidness happen off-screen. Thus, Kyle will never see this film.

JF2 is definitely not as campy or fun as the first movie, making a lot of moments too tacky to be believed. You can sense the characters trying to be witty, but it comes out very forced. Our hero has a much-needed nervous breakdown midway into the film, which leaves his wife to carry on the legacy of fighting a heap of snow. Boy, I bet they pull out that story at Thanksgiving all the time. Most of the best jokes are rehashed from the first film (such as having snowmen in the background as ornaments and decorations). Jack himself gets more nifty special effects (such as movement), but doesn’t have as many speaking lines. That could be a good thing, surely.

The only reason I could recommend JF2 with less than a black heart is that three-quarters into the movie, Jack spawns snowball offspring. These cute little devils are no less short of awesome, making cooing little noises and attacking in packs and exploding on contact with bananas. That’s right, boys and girls, snow is now officially allergic to BANANAS.

Despite being a tad trite and falling short of expectations (which were low to begin with, considering the movie’s subject matter), I wouldn’t mind another sequel. I just like saying “killer snowman.”

Intermission!

• That the small town of Snowmonton has an International Airport?
• Tiki bar! Tiki bar!
• Every successful movie should have a sword fight involving carrots
• It rained the entire four weeks of shooting the movie, resulting in a tropical island with an amazing lack of sun. This carries on with the theme from the first movie, in which they shot a movie about snow in a town experiencing an extreme lack of it.

Groovy Quotes

• Jack: Oh, I guess it was deCAPitated coffee! Captain Fun: Friends don’t let friends drink and surf!

Captain Fun: Has the Grump Monster stolen your happy dust? Sounds like a job for… Captain Fun-un-un!

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Jack Frost
• Troll
• Troll 2