“They’re all gonna die…”

Justin’s rating: “The Love Bug” sounds like a pleasant euphemism for an STD

Justin’s review: Like many kids who grew up on a strong diet of the Wonderful World of Disney, I am well-acquainted with Herbie the Love Bug. Originally, this was a four-movie series that ran from 1969 to 1980 all about a semi-sentient Volkswagen Beetle — number 53 — who’d take his owners on cross-country races and generally confound his enemies and friends alike. It was a lot of physical humor and car stunts, and there was nothing more wholesome to gain the approval of your strict mother.

Back then we just accepted, sure, a car could be alive. I mean, haven’t you seen Knight Rider? There was a good chance our family car was alive. It certainly drank enough gas and farted enough smoke.

Anyway, after 1980, the Herbie franchise went on a hiatus aside from a short-lived 1982 series… until the Wonderful World of Disney booted back up in the ’90s and Herbie was drafted back into action. With Bruce “Evil Dead” Campbell. And now you understand why I’m reviewing this movie.*

If this movie was made today, it would fall under the category of “legacy sequel” — partially a sequel, partly a reboot, partly a retelling all many years after the previous ones. It’s an odd mishmash as a result, an attempt to bring a ’60s concept into the ’90s.

Cast off by his current evil owner, Herbie finds himself relegated to a junkyard competition where mechanics fix up cars (the prize? they get to keep the car if they win). Not sure in what universe this exists where there are mechanic competitions with no one actually watching, but it’s this universe. And who shows up to give Herbie an upgrade? Obviously, it’s some sarcastic and reluctant anti-hero with a jutting chin and a quippy mouth.

Campbell plays Hank, a decent mechanic who gradually takes a shine to the quirks of this particular silly car. He doesn’t want to admit that Herbie’s got a mind of its own, so there’s a lot of denial of the obvious while the pair go on the racing circuit. And yeah, I spent too much time wondering what circuit would field a bunch of tiny random cars and make people care. Probably the same people who are fans of mechanic competitions.

I appreciate that the filmmakers recognized that Bruce Campbell is in his element when he’s stocked with a bunch of snarky asides and a willingness to get into a hissy fit with best friend or girlfriend alike. I really expected Deadites to pop out of Herbie’s trunk at some point. By far, that’s the most entertaining part of this film, although Herbie’s oddities and the supporting cast aren’t half-bad for a Disney family movie.

Along the way, Hank reconnects with his old girlfriend and — why not? — uncovers the entire secret origin story for Herbie. Five films in where we blindly accepted a sentient race car, and now we’re getting a reason why: daffy mad German engineer. Daffy mad German engineer is the reason why. Mad engineer made Herbie for some reason, and during the course of this film, he makes an evil version called Horace who is also (evilly) sentient and driven by John Hannah on an off month of his busy acting schedule.

Horace absolutely wrecks Herbie, so its time to rope in a legacy actor from the prior films, Dean Jones, for some inspiration and repairs. Gradually, Hanks makes friends with his own car and, y’know, there’s a race to be won. Eventually. Seriously, for a movie about a racing car, there are only two races and way too much “Is Herbie alive or not?” drama.

The Love Bug isn’t going to blow your mind with its backlot sets or cheesy CGI trickery (oh mid-90s computer effects, never stop being goofy as all get out). But the charm of its cast carries this forward just fine, and hitching a slightly sarcastic-but-likable Bruce Campbell at the head of this parade is worth your time. It’s never laugh-out-loud funny, but this movie does coast well on a humorous tone with a lot of car-related slapstick.

*Which is incredibly hard to find, as it’s never been released on DVD, Blu-ray, or even Disney+. So if you watch this, it’s like you’re bucking the whole system. You go, you rebel!

Intermission!

• Kevin J O’Connor and John Hannah both returned to act together in 1999’s The Mummy
• So weird to see John Hannah as a villain
• Aww, the sad Herbie noises…
• Bosses can demand you enter mechanic competitions or else get fired
• Disposable cameras! Why, it is 1997!
• Herbie’s two-wheeling it with style here
• Hank really loves that weird trophy that looks like a bunch of bent pipes fused together
• Back in 1997, hydraulic lowriders were all the rage. You weren’t cool if your car wasn’t bouncing and fusing your spine.
• “I’m learning a weird lesson here, everyone loves a quitter.”
• “I like the crazy artist knows the car has a name. Ask him!”
• A club called Vehiculart with hubcaps on the wall?
• “I was in a band, Spewbucket, but we rocked too hard…”
• “Oh yeah, as long as I’m in there somewhere…”
• Car engineers walk around with a minimum of four giant rolled-up blueprints
• Herbie became sentient because the engineer’s wife’s photo fell into a vat of molten metal that was poured into the car
• The shark car! I wants it!
• Oh the wet streets of a classic Hollywood backlot
• Wait, are we holding a funeral for a car? In a cemetery? For real?
• Serious question: Where is Herbie’s brain/soul?
• We’re getting slap-happy in this movie!
• Horace has wheel slashing gadgets
• “You are a very confusing woman, you know that?”
• About time this movie started chucking grenades about
• It’s surprisingly easy to cut an entire car in half with another car while both are in motion
• Did Horace just send himself to hell?