“You’re telling me that key is the key to the bottomless pit?”

Justin’s rating: One thing I learned from this movie is that minions growl a whole lot

Justin’s review: One thing that’s been quickly forgotten from the Y2K craze is that there was a brief boom of movies specializing in biblical apocalyptic themes. Probably the best known of these is Schwarzenegger’s End of Days, as dour as that was, but the B-list action stars were hard at work with their own takes in overlooked flicks such as The Prophecy, Fallen, Stigmata, and The Ninth Gate. But if the world forgot that Arnold literally fought off the devil with a shotgun, believe me when I say that even fewer people recall that Dolph Lundgren did his part to save the world from demons as a kick-butt Templar in his own adventure.

Welcome to The Minion, which is not a cute animated movie about yellow Tic-Tacs but a hardcore supernatural thriller where a mumbling Swede saves us from the Antichrist. The new millennium won’t have any problems after that low point!

A couple New York maintenance workers stumble upon, naturally, the skeleton of an ancient Templar in the tunnels under the city. That becomes a siren’s call to THE MINION, a lion growling body-swapping servant of the Antichrist, who wants things for things because of things.

The long and the short of it is that THE MINION wants to unlock Satan’s prison, and a modern-day Templar named Lukas (Lundgren) wants to smack him back to hell with his trademark spiky glove. The Minion invested a whole lot into this prop, perhaps hoping that all the toy stores would be selling it that Christmas. Hey, it worked for knife-glaives in Krull, why not here?

You ever play a video game where you realize that you can get through the entire game with just one overpowered move? That’s Dolph Lundgren here, who finds that backhanding people with a spiked glove gets him the results he wants from life. It’s great for shutting down Thanksgiving dinner arguments, too.

Speaking of holidays, everyone in this movie makes a big deal that this is Christmas Eve, even though this looks like the hottest, sweatiest Christmas Eve you’ve ever seen. There are even leaves on the trees and the grass is super green. Does it need to be Christmas for the plot? Not in the slightest, so I’m confused why they’re trying to force it like this.

THE MINION keeps swapping bodies in his pursuit of a special key that Lukas carries, and Lukas keeps backhanding while picking up a minion of his own in a red leather-clad archaeologist who’s the Willie to his Indiana Jones.

The pair try hiding the key in a nuclear waste facility located, as you might expect, at an Indian reservation, but the bad guy in his latest manic incarnation is hot on their heels. I’ll give this film this much: Seeing Dolph Lundgren in a super-puffy silver radiation suit fighting a minion of hell above a giant green pool of toxic waste was not on my bingo card for 2026.

Eventually things culminate in a trip to Jerusalem — played here by Canada — and more confusing action scenes ensue. Go Dolph go, and stop Satan from escaping a spiky closet!

The premise of Dolph Lundgren as a punch-happy modern Templar fighting the forces of hell and staving off armageddon is, c’mon, kind of cool. It’s got potential, I think we can all agree. But as it always comes down to it, the execution has to back it up.

Does it here? Not really. There’s a lot of forward momentum to The Minion, but perhaps too much. Things aren’t explained well, too many scenes are edited in a choppy and confusion fashion, and acting is optional and occasional. Shoving growling noises and flashing scene transitions didn’t help with the loosey-goosey construction of this story. And can we really take a villain seriously when that’s their name?

As a cheap B-movie with a neverending stream of strange ideas and shameless theft of bits from better films, The Minion is certainly not dull. If it had a more charismatic lead — Lundgren isn’t trying very hard here — and a much better editor, this could’ve been a sleeper hit. If you’re in the mood for a late-90s supernatural action flick that’s more silly than solid, this isn’t a terrible pick. Just adjust your expectations down, way down, and don’t fall into hell while you’re doing that.

Intermission!

• Construction workers walk in slow-mo. Hey it’s not just action heroes!
• I love this edgy soundtrack, perfect for Shredder to train the Foot
• Skeletons are easy to stand up and leave standing for hundreds of years
• “Don’t look in his eyes!”
• I don’t think that a key can be your entire life, lady
• Minions never buckle up before trying to drive you over
• Lukas likes doing all his little prayers, doesn’t he?
• Crazy possessed cop loves to overact
• Wait, God’s OTHER son? Is this Mormon?
• How does she know the Aztec name for the devil? *I* don’t know the Aztec name for the devil, and I’m a geek pastor.
• Why’s this guy using a giant camera with a single-use flashbulb?
• What is this weird sleep dream flashback?
• You know he’s a Native American because he’s got a giant stuffed crow above his bed
• “Why does everything fun have to be bad?”
• Who’s transporting a giant dead bloody bear on their car? This dude is.
• Sometimes police stations share space with a seedy underground dance club
• You can just dual-wield assault rifles, never reload, and take out an entire police station. And then do that again in Templar HQ.
• “Home is where you’re loved. Follow your heart.”
• Wait, what the HECK is a windigo and why are we now just talking about it?
• Who predicted that this movie would travel through a nuclear containment facility?
• Bald sheriff with the pony tail and dangly earrings is not odd at all
• The bad guy running in a giant puffy silver radiation suit is not quite the threat you’d imagine
• And now we’re fighting over a giant radiation pool, what is this movie
• Templars are enthusiastic about laying down sandbag barriers
• So much over-exaggerated facial acting in this movie
• CGI statue of your dead grandfather! That wasn’t random at all!