“The tension was so thick, and the music so pretentious, they knew they must be getting close.”

Justin’s rating: Well, I mean, it IS hammy…

Justin’s review: What’s the worst spoof movie that the ’90s produced? I still haven’t seen them all, but before I saw this film, I would’ve said Plump Fiction. Maybe Dracula Dead and Loving It. However, there’s a strong, shameful case to be made that The Silence of the Hams is even worse.

I’d say that the problem began and mostly resides with Ezio Greggio, the Italian comedian who directed, wrote, produced, starred, and even narrated this movie. There’s no getting around it — every fault here is at Greggio’s feet. It may be that his sense of humor didn’t translate well to American audiences, but his directing and writing style is sloppy and off-kilter even so. And having some thick accented Italian guy trying to relay the story (such as it is) was a continual reminder that this wasn’t some slick Hollywood production.

Think of it this way: It’s a Dad Joke Movie where the dad is from another culture and doesn’t really understand ours yet.

Greggio became good friends with Mel Brooks (who has a cameo here), becoming somewhat of an off-brand Mel Brooks director himself. That’s not exactly high praise from me. This movie even bombed in his native country, which earns even less praise.

On paper, The Silence of the Hams checks the required boxes of an entertaining spoof. You’ve got your serious straight man (Billy Zane in this case) to bounce all of the jokes off of, a whole lot of sight gags and wordplay, and plenty of slapstick overacting while popular movies of the time are referenced.

Oddly enough, the main two movies parodied are Silence of the Lambs and… Psycho? They even got the detective from the latter to reprise his role. I guess they’re both about serial killers, but they don’t go well together in a spoof. Heck, their storylines here barely intersect, so it’s like we’re watching two separate parodies tag-teaming.

The only question that ever matters is if a spoof movie lands the jokes… and this doesn’t. Oh, you spot the jokes here. You identify the jokes. You get what they were going for with the jokes. It’s just that the jokes aren’t funny. They’re next door to funny, looking sad and glum while funny holds a party and we all wish that we were there. But no, we’re watching The Silence of the Hams, and that’s on us.

For example, the Hannibal Lector analogue here is Dr. Animal Cannibal Pizza (Dom DeLuise, who was Pizza the Hut in Spaceballs, so that’s a weird running naming thing he had going). He’s a super-smart guy who makes cannibal-flavored pizzas, we’re told. And if that wasn’t enough to get across this complex detail, we’re shown pictures of body parts on large cheese pies. Oh, and his prison cell has all of his furniture on the walls and ceiling because… it’s never clear why.

Another example? John Astin arrives late to this movie with the Addams Family theme song playing as he makes his entrance. And then everyone snaps their fingers. And a foot comes out of a box that he calls “Smelly Thing.”

As I said, next door to funny, but we’re never invited over.

Another odd thing about Silence of the Hams is that it’s R-rated, which isn’t typical for most spoofs. And it only earns that rating very sporadically, so you’re watching pretty tame stuff for a long time and then suddenly there’s some nudity or someone drops the F-bomb. It took me aback every time.

Honestly, if a spoof of ’90s crime, serial killers, and psychosexual dramas if what you’re craving, then hunt down a copy of Fatal Instinct — that’s far better and actually lands the laughs. Silence of the Hams wields a decent cast and a few clever gags, but the source material isn’t that inspiring and I didn’t walk away with the kinds of quotes I got from Naked Gun and Hot Shots.

Intermission!

• Catch those confusing cameos by Mel Brooks, John Carpenter, John Landis, and Joe Dante!
• Thirtieth Century Wolf
• Jogging with Bill Clinton and George Bush… or really bad impersonators, at least
• Well, I didn’t need to see that crotch shot
• “Inspector Putrid” that name sums up this entire movie right there
• Timothy Dalton 007 on the wall
• The girl catching a bus in the hallway was amusing. Not funny, but amusing.
• Danger! Lawyers! In water for some reason!
• “I’m white, I’m straight, you didn’t get anything right.” “I have a cold.”
• He’s got a toilet on the wall. Because that’s funny?
• “Doctor A Bingo?” “Moving on.”
• Having all of those “memory voices” being actors one car over with megaphones was kind of amusing
• Crashing into the rain truck, ha
• Oh man, the cartoon sound effects, ugh
• Upgrading to a 10 o’clock shadow
• The dismembered body coming back together to do opera wasn’t what I expected. “He had eaten a cow and farted himself to pieces.”
• Also didn’t expect the triple breasts outside of Total Recall
• “Told you we should’ve done this in post.”
• So many Hillary Clinton jokes
• The Exorcist motel with its spinning head mannequin
• “I feel like I’ve done this before!”
• The FBI uses interpretive dance now
• And now for a discount Thriller video
• That’s a lot of unmaskings
• There’s another Total Recall gag with the unmasking
• Teasing another movie, Jurassic Pork, which thankfully never happened