“Really, bitch? A cabin in the woods?”

Justin’s rating: OK, the bad guy not being able to fight makes sense why he goes for a crossbow

Justin’s review: We all know the trope — the black guy always dies first in a horror movie. Well he used to, at least. But what if everyone in a slasher film was black? And what if they’re all armed with some level of Scream self-awareness?

That’s the tongue-in-cheek scenario for The Blackening, a dark comedy that grabs the trope by its ears and gives it a good shake. Instead of skirting around racism and stereotypes, this movie charges right through it. If it had finesse and a good grasp on satire, it might’ve worked, too. But it stumbles hard, just like a horror victim running through the woods at night.

A group of old college friends decide to get together at a cabin in the woods (dum dum duuuum) for a reunion. However, things go off the rails when they learn that one of their own was kidnapped the night before. Only by playing a sinister trivia game called The Blackening will they have a chance of getting her back.

A mix of scares and quips ensue, as a gimp-masked foe stalks the group with a crossbow and the friends joke back and forth as only old pals can. The game itself is concerned with black culture trivia, with the timer always counting down. Either get a question right and move on — and the timer resets — or get it wrong and someone dies.

Things get more wonky when they realize that the house they rented is more like a prison with everyone locked inside. It’s also like a Scooby Doo mansion, I guess, with secret passages and a few hidden mysteries.

The Blackening will live or die in your estimation based on how amusing you find this group of friends. In a way, it’s like the cast is every black sidekick from a horror movie thrown together, including the stoned idiot, the nerdy geek, the token gay guy, the smarty-pants, and the drunk party girl. Can the sidekicks survive en masse? We shall see.

There are a few genuinely amusing bits here. I did get a good belly laugh when they spied their friend being chased by the killer on TV and started to yell directions and warnings the way moviegoers tend to do at the screens. But I laughed way less than I thought I might at this entire project.

Sometimes it was hard to tell when the film was trying to make some sort of statement on race and when it was just trying to go for jokes. There’s a lot — a whole lot — of arguments over who was “blacker” than the others, which doesn’t seem like a germane conversation when you’re fighting for your life, but what do I know?

I’d heard really good things about The Blackening and thus went into this with a very positive attitude, but when I finished up, I couldn’t help but feel let down. It’s not nearly as clever or funny as its reputation suggests. That often happens when a joke of an idea (Snakes on a Plane, I’m yanking you out as a random example) gets stretched into a full-length motion picture. Alas, but not every idea can be a winner.

Intermission!

• “You are strong with a C!” what? Ctrong?
• The Jason Vorhees ke-ke-ke sounds
• Name-dropping The People Under the Stairs!
• That’s one racist board game
• Girls can speak telepathically with each other, you know it
• Rap Snacks don’t look that healthy
• “Every time he gets mad, I’m like, oh Lord, here it comes, murder-suicide.”
• Diedrich Bader as “Ranger White”
• That is a LOT of sugar
• “Did you just shift in your seat at me?”
• Lot of anti-Android sentiment in this movie
• “Cheers! To having standards and self-respect!”
• “One time I tried to summon Gary Coleman, and he was not happy.”
• There were five black actors on Friends?
• Everyone yelling at the screen at their friend is a great bit
• Clifton turning the sideways pistol the right way, haha
• Don’t pull out a bolt so enthusiastically that you stab yourself with it
• “Really, a candlestick? Are you in Clue?”
• “We have to split up.” “ARGGHHH”
• “I’m just going to sit here with my feelings.”
• “You split up? You’re all black!” “Whoa! Whoa!”
• It sucks to get a cramp in the middle of a fight
• She went all Wolverine with those claws
• Haha throwing up in the bad guy’s face. That’s a move, I guess.