“Ten-thousand dollar balloon payment? Who bought a $10,000 balloon?”

Drake’s rating: This is what happens when sororities go broke

Drake’s review: You’ve all heard of the Beach Boys, right? They had some big hits like “Surfin’ Safari” in the early 1960’s and popularized the surf rock sound that became their trademark. It’s not my kind of music, but they were certainly a fairly big band at one point.

Except in The Girls on the Beach, where they’re really no big deal at all.

Look, we’ve all seen a few* of these beach movies, right? They generally revolve around guys chasing girls, or vice-versa, and involve frenzied gyrations as the twenty-somethings playing the beachgoing teens dance with wild abandon in the sand as the surf rolls in. And a staple of these movies is always a musical act or two hanging around the periphery, just waiting for a lull in the action and their chance to break into song.

Which the Beach Boys dutifully do, as does singer Lesley Gore, who had topped the charts just two years earlier with “It’s My Party.” So, honestly, The Girls on the Beach has an above average set list for a beach movie.

But when the sorority sister of Alpha Beta need a musical act to save their house do they ask the Beach Boys? No, they do not. Nor do they even look in Lesley Gore’s direction. And the Crickets, who keep showing up to perform white guy “La Bamba” never even get a second thought.

That part I get. No Buddy Holly, no Crickets.

So what happens is, Alpha Beta kicked a girl out of their sorority, off-screen and for reasons unknown, and her rich oil baron daddy is going to have his revenge by foreclosing on their house. Faced with the existential horror of dorm life, the girls scrabble to somehow scrape up the $10,000** they’ll need to pay off the note and save their home away from home. One enters a beauty contest but surreptitiously, since she knows her boyfriend wouldn’t approve. Another, the smart girl (because she wears glasses), wants to enter a baking competition but keeps blowing up the cakes. A third convinces the local genius to use his computer to solve puzzles.

And if none of those ideas sound like $10,000 winners to you, then you’re in agreement with the women of Alpha Beta as they realize that they’re going to need a better plan if they’re going to come up with the money they need. What a bit of luck it is then, when they just happen to meet three guys who are firmly entrenched in the glitz and glam of the show business world! Why, with their connections, maybe a concert could be arranged with the proceeds going to those in need…

Meaning, of course, the sisters of Alpha Beta, whose need consists of saving their sorority house.

It’s too bad that the three guys are not being totally truthful about their connections. In fact, they’re involved in more than a little prevarication here. Why, one might even say that they are in fact attempting to hornswoggle these girls! They even go so far as to suggest that they know the Beatles themselves, and imply that, sure, they just might be able to get them to do a fundraiser.

Which would no doubt be a surprise to the Beatles who, needless to say, do not make an appearance in The Girls on the Beach. In fact, I’d hazard a guess and say that none of them had ever even heard of this movie. Except maybe Ringo.

But when it becomes obvious to everyone that the Beatles will not, in fact, be performing, what do the girls do? Do they try to enlist the aid of the Beach Boys, who have been callously overlooked in the fundraising efforts so far? Do they ask a teeny-tiny favor of chart-topper Lesley Gore? Do they even look in the Crickets’ direction?

The answers are no, nope, and of course not. The sorority sisters instead decide that real musical acts (and the Crickets) pale in comparison to even a quartet of bogus Beatles and soldier ahead, donning bad wigs and grey suits as they attempt to trick their tiny audience into believing that they’re the Fab Four.

Meanwhile, the Beach Boys and Lesley Gore sit glumly in a booth, watching the Crickets mangle Ritchie Valens’ “La Bamba” one more time.

The Girls on the Beach is a fairly run-of-the-mill beach flick, with enough energy to get through its 80-plus minutes before running completely out of steam. Shot in a mere nine days by former Republic Serial director William Witney, it lacks the goofy charm of the Frankie & Annette movies but still manages to coast by on the backs of a cast willing to engage in silly shenanigans and wacky hijinks.

And maybe just a tiny bit of zany tomfoolery.

*Or more than a few. Maybe 10 or 20 or…

**In 1965 dollars!

Intermission!

• That is one blonde sorority. The redhead is shipped off early so that she can enter the beauty contest, but the token brunette gets to stick around. She doesn’t get to talk much, but she at least gets screen time.
• That might be because she’s Lana Wood, sister to Natalie and a certified Bond Girl thanks to Diamonds Are Forever.
• “Coach, I don’t care if I strike out. I just want to get to bat!” I don’t think they’re talking about baseball here.
• Most of the actors here were pulled from television shows of the time, although Ahna Capri would go on to do Enter the Dragon a few years down the road. Even more years down the road Aron Kincaid would be voicing Killer Croc for Batman: The Animated Series.
• One of the producers on this one is Gene Corman, brother of Roger. I don’t know a lot about Gene, but this might be the crown jewel of his filmography. Sitting Duck can tell you more about Gene than I ever could, so be sure to send any inquiries his way.