“Little bunny men — oh look, there goes one now, you’re going to eat his brain!”

Justin’s rating: This cheese is old and moldy. Where is the bathroom?

Justin’s review: Has this ever happened to you? You’re living your best life until one day, someone brings to your attention that there was a sequel you had no idea existed that was made to one of your favorite movies. What happens next is an emotional rollercoaster, because in quick succession you’ll get excited about this revelation but then your logic center kicks in and tells you that if it’s pretty unknown, it’s for a reason, and that’s not to keep quality masterpieces out of the hands of the John Q. Public.

Up until this year, I never knew that there was a follow-up to Encino Man, a movie I must’ve watched many dozens of times over in my teens. But yup, there it is, a 1996 ABC TV movie called Encino Woman, and when I found out, I knew that (a) I had to review it next and (b) it was going to be absolute garbage water.

This Disney movie of the week — introduced by Michael Eisner! — loosely uses the same setup as Encino Man. An earthquake unearths a very frozen prehistoric woman, who thaws from 300,020 BC with zero issues whatsoever. Cryogenic preservation was better in cave times.

Katherine Kousi (Bio-Dome) must’ve enjoyed rolling around in mud as a kid, because here she’s intimately involved with it as Lucy, the unfrozen cavewoman. But does she get cleaned up, go to high school, and help a couple of losers become popular after a dance sequence? Uh, no, not exactly, as this is where the script diverges from the Brandon Fraser masterpiece.

You see, all that mud did wonders to her skin or something, because Lucy quickly becomes a fashion model for a perfume company advertising “Primal.” She brought into this corporate world by Dave (Corey Parker, How I Got Into College), a human-shaped wart who thinks he’s all that and a bag of motivational cassette tapes. See, Lucy practically ambushes him and invades his home, and because Dave is the weenie king, he doesn’t put up a fight so much as double-down on cowering. But then he realizes that Lucy might be the ticket he needs to get a promotion and I’m already yawning at this plot progression.

As Dave shepherds Lucy into the 20th century, he also starts to fall in love with her, probably because she keeps physically launching herself at him. That’s the level of unsubtle activity a man needs to pick up on mating signals, so queue the inevitable love ballad.

It’s easy to dump on such an easy target like Encino Woman, with its broad humor, over-the-top acting, and low production values. Maybe even compare it to garbage water, I dunno. And it’s not a good movie, it’s not, but I couldn’t help but kind of liking it anyway.

Kousi clearly has a great time jumping into the role of a primitive human in modern times. She tries to spear the cat, draws mammoths very artistically, mimics the weirdoes around her, experiments with everything in her environment, and makes her home in the living room fireplace. It’s a very slapsticky role, and when you’re this cute, you can get away with as much horseplay as you want. She and Corey Parker are dorky together and show some solid chemistry, even if Dave is a motormouth who never shuts up (even in his inner narration).

I also liked Dave’s best friend, a teacher who also helps get Lucy up to speed. She’s just very, very ’90s in her looks and attitude, and that was a nice little shot of nostalgia this week.

At dinner with my wife, I asked her if she knew that there was a sequel to Encino Man. To my great surprise, not only was she aware, but she actually remembered watching Encino Woman back in the late ’90s on TV. In her words, “It sucked.”

I don’t think it sucked, for the record. It’s pretty much in line with Disney movie acting at the time, which was pandering to tweens, but the charm and ’90s touches made this a fun curiosity to visit.

Intermission!

• This *is* an official sequel to Encino Man, but other than the concept, there are practically no linking threads to the 1992 flick — including actors — other than a brief throwaway line. Supposedly, this was a pilot movie for a series that never happened. It was directed by Shawn Sheppes, who played Nancy in The Terminator.
• “When men were men and women were freezing…”
• No earthquake insurance? “Bummer.”
• I can’t decide if this opening song is wonderfully ’90s or just pure awful noise
• “Take a chill pill pal, I’m a winner!”
• Remember cassettes unspooling in your player? This movie does!
• This film loves to jam the camera up into faces and shake it around
• That dumpster actually does look very comfy. I’d take a nap in there.
• “I have married two of them myself. I have their heads mounted on my living room wall!”
• The French perfume guy also plays the Cryptkeeper
• If Lucy had speared the cat, I would’ve called this “Best Movie of the Year”
• Cue messy eating montage
• Wrapping yourself in plastic to sweat off water weight doesn’t seem like a good diet strategy
• So many wild hairstyles in this film
• Lucy biting the boss’ hand, ha.
• “I am having a very large happy right now!”
• Lucy making her home in the fireplace (because it’s like a little cave)
• Wait, he bathes her? This girl he just met?
• Vague reference to Encino Man at minute 36
• Licking table sugar together is super cringy
• “Why are you dressed in this exotic fashion?” “Low self-esteem, OK?”
• Photo shoots often have 25 people yelling at the model at once
• “Bite me!”
• Getting your picture taken with “all the Baldwin brothers” in the ’90s was apparently something
• Bobcat Goldthwait as a bathtub psychic swaimi (whaaat)
• “Hello! Can you be a guy more?”
• “Can we have someone deported for blowing bubbles?”