“It’d be simpler to break in a new brother!”

Justin’s rating: There’s always room for one fewer, any volunteers?

Justin’s review: One of the blessings of growing up in the ’80s is that I didn’t have to pretend to be head-over-heels for those weird family folk bands like the Partridge Family or the Osmonds. I don’t get it, I don’t care to learn about it, and I’m happy existing in a time after their fall from grace.

However, in 1970, the Wonderful World of Disney hosted an episode that I can’t overlook — because it’s one where the Osmonds and a very young Kurt Russell visit the newly opened Haunted Mansion. And also Disneyland. And they sing. Even Kurt.

Actually, I’m getting ahead of myself here. While Disneyland opened in 1955, it would be almost a decade-and-a-half before one of its most famous attractions would be completed. The Haunted Mansion, my personal favorite dark ride of all time, opened its doors in 1969 to great acclaim. And as Walt Disney was fond of using his TV show to promote the park, it only makes sense that the company would rope in some big names of the day and make a production out of it.

Kurt Russell, who had just turned 19 and was still in bed with Disney at this point, joins the Osmonds as they show up at the California park to put on a show for guests. And while this may be unfair of me to say, this family music group creeped me the heck out. I don’t know what it was: Their relentless cheeriness, the fact they all wear the same outfit and have the same haircut like a cult, their HUGE teeth, or their penchant for singing when nobody asked them to. But no thank you, I don’t need more of this.

While there is a nominal story about some of the Osmonds sneaking off and everyone trying to find them, this is mostly an hour-long tour through the Disneyland of 1970. And if you look at it through that lens, it’s absolutely fascinating to see the park as it used to be — and how some of these same locations and designs are still present 56 years later.

We get to see a lot of Disneyland, from the Main Street Vehicles to the Swiss Family Treehouse to the Jungle Cruise. But boy are they pushing the Haunted Mansion hard here. If it’s not being mentioned, then there are signs pointing to it and Imagineers showing how they made it. I’m not complaining!

And you know what? Not a single Disney Adult in sight. I guess it really was a better time.

It is a whole lot of simple fun, even if it is a commercial for the park and has some incredibly dorky songs peppering its runtime. There are so many now-defunct rides that we get to see, like the People Mover, the Skyway, and the 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking that I would’ve loved to spend this particular day in the park.

In the last 10 minutes, we finally get to the Haunted Mansion. We do get to see a really neat scale model of the whole place, which I guess the Imagineers made before the actual ride, as well as many of the animatronics in the lab. It’s definitely a blast to see the behind-the-scenes tricks they use, especially if you’re a fan of the ride.

It’s a historical artifact and a neat little watch — if you can stomach the dated songs, that is!

Intermission!

• If you’re in a family music group, you have to wear the same clothes and have the same haircuts
• Donnie is plugging the Haunted Mansion right away. Settle down, kid.
• “E.J.” is not a good name. Just sayin’.
• The time-keeper is a buzzkill
• Where’s the music coming from on the bus?
• The kid licking the huge lollipop
• Bear mascots will kidnap your kids at Disneyland. Beware.
• You can see the People Mover in action — which is a reminder of how it was converted into a horrible rocket ride that broke the tracks and left the whole structure in shambles.
• And now a montage of a billion people taking pictures with huge cameras. And then, for no good reason, butts. And people eating ice cream. And a whole lot of people smoking cigars and pipes in the park.
• I did NOT need to see a specific camera shot of a kid’s huge butt crack
• Can’t wait to see the Indians doing the 4:30 fire dance. Twice.
• I do wonder if Kurt Russell ever gets ribbed for singing “Sugar Sugar” in this episode