“Ice to see you!”

ZombieDog’s rating: KAPOW!

ZombieDog’s review: To say that Batman has range would be an understatement. From the comics to the live-action movies and even to the animations, Batman as a character is open for exploration. His journey not only looks at who and what a hero is, but it also looks at the nature of villains. Bruce Wayne and his alter-ego Batman seeks to define justice and even compassion.

While it would appear that Batman is cross-generational, I think he really is the heart of Generation X. Batman appealed to Gen X as children, and when those kids grew up an adult, Batman captivated audiences once more.

Batman and Robin is an unbridled and unapologetically moving comic book. I think the best way to look at it is to see it as a bookend to the Schumacher part of the series. Taking control after the Tim Burton era, Joel Schumacher had to come up with a new design. The design was largely conceived of to sell toys. Easy enough to believe. Although, I’m not entirely certain they got what they wanted because Batman Forever got a 5.5 on IMDb and then Batman and Robin eked out a 3.8.

Batman in its original comic form was first printed in 1939. It’s been around in one form or another since then. While obviously drawing influence from the comics, the modern-era Batman definitely pulled from the 1960s Batman TV series. I’d even say Batman the TV series influenced the idea of campy cult films in general. The wackiness and the kitsch along with the obviously self-aware humor created a fun way to look at media. The TV show let us look at weird movies such as Invasion of the Saucer-Men (1957) and showed us they were part of the genre rather than one-off drive-in experiences.

The two Tim Burton movies benefited from Burton’s unique film style. It’s definitely unfair to compare Burton’s movies to Schumacher. This was the height of Burton’s career, and everything was in place from casting to script.

That being said, I think the Schumacher movies are woefully underappreciated. There’s a lot of criticism that can be thrown at these two films, although I would ask you step back and look at what they are. Yes, they are soulless money grabs, but you know what else? They’re kind of fun. The casting is basically a Who’s Who of 1990s Hollywood. Everybody in both of Schumacher’s films is acting their ass off.

There’s something else: Pick any frame in the movie, and it could easily be a panel in a comic book. Schumacher made a live-action comic book, and, at the very least, that’s worth appreciating.

Without a doubt Batman and Robin is my favorite of the two, mostly for Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don’t know if he thought that this was Oscar material, but he is giving it his all. Whenever he was on screen, I couldn’t take my eyes off him, he was mesmerizing. Maybe he was tired of playing the no-emotion Terminator, because he let it all go here.

In true Batman fashion, Mr. Freeze has a backstory on why he turned evil. Even though he kills multiple people in the movie, we understand his motivation and see into the trauma that push him over the edge. Plus, don’t forget the movie also stars George Clooney, Chris O’Donnell, Alicia Silverstone, Elle McPherson, and Uma Thurman — yet more powerful actors from the 90s.

The plot is a little strange, though. Mr. Freeze (Schwarzenegger) is trying to get diamonds to power a medical device to save his wife. How it works or why does it need diamonds, who knows!

Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) works as a botanist at a research project in South America. It’s unclear what the project is trying to accomplish, but the director of the project creates Bane just prior to being killed by Poison Ivy. Even more coincidentally, the research project is being funded by Bruce Wayne. For some reason Thurman’s character becomes a psychopath and eventually sets her eyes on destroying half the planet. To this end she sees Dr. Freeze as an asset and instrumental to achieving her goals.

To say that this movie has plot holes would be wholly incorrect. There are pages of the script which fall off into an abyss. More times than I can count I found myself saying, “who?” “how?” and “why?” only to have no logical response to my questions.

I am a huge Godzilla fan. I’ve said multiple times if you want to appreciate a Godzilla film, you need to suspend disbelief. While I would like to say the same for Batman and Robin, I think you have to go in with the point of view that doesn’t have belief to begin with. It’s not a movie in the traditional sense, it’s more like a visual experience. To this end it is magnificent. Seriously, go through Schumacher’s two films and look at the extras. Look at how much effort went into making the sets, coming up with costumes, lighting, etc. The result is we have a film that is really over-the-top.

The real problem with this movie is that it suffers from bad timing. If Gen X was the target, then they would have been approaching their 30s and leaving this simple aesthetic behind. The fact that the next incarnation of Batman was the gritty and more realistic Batman Begins, which showed that audiences were looking for a change. I would argue that that desire for that change was because the viewers had become adults.

At almost 30 years old, Batman and Robin still holds up. I would suggest revisiting it and appreciating it for what it is. It really is a decent attempt at a Batman movie from a certain perspective. I would also say it’s not a nostalgic thing that I’m offering here, it’s a reevaluation. We all had those bands when we were young that we disregarded because we were interested, or foods we thought would taste horrible, what I’m suggesting here is that look back with the wisdom of age. I absolutely think these movies are worth cult status there’s something about the raw energy almost desperation that these films subtly emote. If none of that is making a coherent argument, then let me suggest watching for nipples on the Bat Suit alone.

Justin’s rating: Even worse than the Batusi (“Why doesn’t Batman DANCE anymore…”).

Justin’s review: Many are the woes cast upon the world through the slimy fingers of Joel Schumacher, yet none so egregious as to inflict mortal wounds upon anyone who would watch his ultimate masterpiece, Batman and Robin.

Since its release, this has joined other flicks like Battlefield Earth as modern big-budget blowouts that are chronicled in the history books as not just being bad, but being so spectacularly bad that future generations will develop time-travel technology just to send nuclear bombs back and rid the world of all of us, one and for all.

Curse those futuries. I hate them so much.

I can’t give this movie any semblance of a normal review, seeing as how it’s not really a movie, but instead just two hours of flashing lights and booming music that ended up giving me a migraine both times I saw it. Yes, both times.

The first was the unfortunate movie hop experience I went through when I saw Speed 2 and became so disappointed that I felt I was entitled to another movie for free. So I hopped into this, and God laughed. The second time was for review purposes, which began with me already shrinking into fetal position knowing the pain to come, and my beloved chirping cheerfully that she “kinda liked” Batman and Robin when she saw it,way back when. Before you stone her to death, just know that her watching this with me made her repent of that statement a thousand-fold. I think she had a rash of some kind when we finished.

As nothing redeems Batman and Robin in the least, here is a short list of its most mortal sins:

1. Further Defamation of the Batman Franchise.

In the canon of superheroes, Batman has always been in the top three of most fans for many reasons. Instead of possessing superpowers, he’s merely a really rich guy with a great body who moonlights as a cowl-wearing detective. He’s dark and tortured, which appeals to a lot of teens and single lonely fellows for some reason. And he’s got a cool car.

So the biggest mystery is why the entertainment industry seems hell-bent on turning Bats into a sideshow freak display. Both the campy ’60s series and the two Schumacher productions take a flaming pee on this beloved character, culminating in this version of Batman. He’s no longer mysterious or interesting but strictly a costume-for-hire that shows up at action scenes, throws a few punches, uses a few gadgets, and is the foil for villains’ derision. Oh yeah, and apparently now he’s some sort of leather fetishist, wearing kinky outfits with bulges and nipples that do nothing for his dignity.

2. Joel Schumacher.

As both a director and a film producer, Joel is less concerned with making good movies than creating big spectacles. I’m not saying it’s been all bad, as he’s had a couple of wins (such as The Lost Boys), but after witnessing his lack of restraint in Batman and Robin, there needs to be a law passed forbidding him to get near another movie set as long as he lives. His directorial style seems to be focused on overloading your senses with so much brightly-colored confetti that it beats you into submission. Lord knows that he’s not concerned with an intriguing story or reasonable conflicts or a focus on the characters instead of the lavish sets he’s constructed.

3. Across-the-Board Horrible Acting.

Ye gods, I don’t know where to begin here. How about with Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze? Take a washed-up action hero, coat him in blue sparkly paint, shave his head bald, and give him a clunky outfit that features two globe-things that look suspiciously like boobs, and then add a non-stop barrage of cold-related puns. And when I say non-stop, I mean non-freaking-stop. The guy can’t spit out a sentence without it referencing cold or ice or snow in some way.

It doesn’t stop there, however. George Clooney’s Batman is dull and he reverts to the old Clooney acting mannerisms of shaking his head when he talks and tilting his head down while looking up like a wounded puppy dog. Chris O’Donnell’s Robin is petulant and shrill, as he tries to work up some good old-fashioned teenage angst, but ends up being that kid down the block who has no friends for a very good reason. Uma Thurman’s Poison Ivy does the whole I-love-plants and seduction dance, which is off-putting and boring. She’s supposed to be a highly desirable woman, but has such ridiculous fashion (such as wearing her hair as horns, or gigantic eyebrow-thingies) that no guy in their right mind would lust after her. Alicia Silverstone does a stint as Batgirl, and I can’t help but wonder if she’s actually getting younger as time goes on. She looks and acts like a four-year-old who got into mommy’s costume chest.

Oh, and I’d be remiss if I failed to mention the gigantic steroid freak Bane. As Ivy’s muscle man, he goes around saying one-word, one-syllable sentences in a Tor Johnson style: “CRUSH”, “DRIVE”, “PAIN”, “SCRIPT”, etc. It’s 1950s B-movie stupid.

4. Way, Way Too Much of Everything.

Batman and Robin is incapable of toning anything down. The grossly neon sets do less of a job of impressing you as reminding you of adequate amusement park ride scenery. Bright colors and bright lights abound, rendering any attempt at subtlety useless. While this bombards the eyes, even worse is the constant score that pounds your ears into submission. It’s not a good score, but it is a loud one, and it never really stops. I hate films that feel that they can never cut out the music for any scene lest you stop being emotionally manipulated by the score and instead have to depend on the acting itself for that.

Too many heroes: three. Too many villains: three. Too many dumb plot lines: Ivy wants to save plants from extinction (hur?), Freeze wants to cure his ailing wife, Alfred the butler is dying, Batgirl likes street racing, Robin feels like he’s not a true partner, Batman’s dating some girl who’s trying to get him to marry, Freeze wants to steal diamonds to build a super-freeze ray, and so on. It covers lack of quality with far too much empty quantity.

And so on. And so on. It’s a comic book movie where the filmmakers obviously didn’t understand what makes good comic book stories good, but instead lightly steal elements to give a superficial comic book experience. One of the most sucky movies I’ve ever had to go through, Batman and Robin is never allowed in my house again.