“Freeze book thief!”

Justin’s rating: Just a footnote in movie history

Justin’s review: Like The Amityville Horror, Universal’s Monsters (including their source material) have long fallen into the public domain, presenting a cheap way to cash in on a recognizable horror IP. But since anyone can do that, filmmakers have to come up with a special angle or unique gimmick to set their version apart. When infamous cult schlockster Charles Band looked at Wolfman, Dracula, Frankenstein, and the Mummy, his imagination settled on using little people to fill these roles.

I don’t think my gut reaction could be more mixed. Part of me is going, hey, that’s cool, why not? And part of me is going, oh no, you’re using these people for shock value, aren’t you?

At least Band didn’t make a despicably gross film, as The Creeps is a PG-13 comedy-horror romp that’s more tongue-in-cheek. Its foundation is the novelty of a three-foot tall monsters, and that foundation is good for about 75 minutes of story — and no more.

Bespectacled librarian Anna (Rhonda Griffin) finds herself chasing a very mad scientist who’s stealing the original manuscripts from famous horror writers in order to feed them into a machine that’ll suck the monsters out of the pages and into the real world. But because proper virgin-sacrificing procedure wasn’t followed, the monsters come out as smaller versions and try to capture Anna so they can use her to grow full-size.

The most notable figure here is Dracula, played kind of famous actor Phil Fondacaro. If you’ve dabbled in cult movies, you’ve no doubt encountered him, as Fondacaro was in Willow, Ghoulies II, Phantasm II, The Dungeonmaster, and plenty more. He was also the one and only Ewok who died in Return of the Jedi, which is what I’d put on my tombstone if it were true.

To help her escape the clutches of an evil that couldn’t ride most upside-down rollercoasters, Anna hires an amateur detective/video store clerk named David (Justin Lauer) to help her with this bizarre situation. He’s a klutzy doof who reminded me of a generic Kevin Kline minus the comedic timing.

While the setup has merit — more the “monsters coming out of books” angle than the “but they’re fun-sized” part — The Creeps struggles noticeably in two areas. First is that the acting is quite poor, even for Full Moon. It makes most scenes tough to watch as everyone’s emoting a little too hard. You ever see a movie and strongly suspect that the entire cast puts it as their debut appearance on their resume? That’s this.

And maybe the writing sounded good on paper, but in the mouths of these people, it’s as awkward as an eighth grade dance. That’s extra unfortunate for all of us viewers, because 90% of this movie is padding-by-talking.

However, the real villain here is the soundtrack, which goes overboard trying to sell the wACkY comedy that isn’t actually present in any scene. The music is so loud and shrill that I actually turned off the sound entirely and switched on the subtitles to make it the rest of the way through this.

On the plus side, the monster makeup is incredibly well-done, and Fondacaro does sell it as a menacing Dracula. If only the monsters had more to do than slowly stalk the three main characters (including another librarian who makes for a poor sacrifice).

If this movie made me feel anything, it was nostalgia for the long-lost video rental store. But in absolutely every situation imaginable, it’d be better to ditch this and see The Monster Squad instead, even if it’s a repeat on its 100th loop.

Intermission!

• This was filmed in 3D
• Could this guy be any more conspicuous?
• “Your delightfulness is hardly the point, is it?”
• Why wouldn’t she call the cops ASAP?
• Man, I miss video stores
• A cheap private detective should have a giant poster with handgun sizes on his wall
• Fingerprints don’t do a whole lot if you don’t have a fingerprint database. Oh wait, he’s got one for some reason. The ’90s internet was MAGICAL!
• The bad guy’s got four PhDs. You’d think he would just angle for tenure.
• “Excuse me, don’t call me honey.”
• Wow you went to “homosexual gang rape” really quickly there in your list
• What guy carries around a giant telescoping stun baton? I guess a mad scientist does.
• Book carts are useful for lugging around unconscious librarians
• You went to “fondled by Uncle Charlie” really quickly there
• Pretty sure this guy’s a virgin, maybe he should sacrifice himself
• I like that all the monsters appear in their full outfits
• Oh no, don’t make us watch a full scene where the detective botches asking Anna out for a date
• OK stop fondling Jane Eyre, that’s not good preservation technique
• The Wolfman drooling right into the camera lens
• There’s a shocking amount of topless nudity for a PG-13 flick
• Wait, she becomes a Viking?
• Dude, don’t have an argument with an imaginary woman, that’s just embarrassing
• Dracula’s got candlestick-destroying magic
• “Thank God I’m Catholic!” got my one and only laugh from this
• “One should not speak so casually about breaking necks to those who have actually done it.”
• They never explain to Dracula what a movie is