“Are you telling me there’s no automated teller windows between here and Des Moines?”

Drake’s rating: There’s nothing easy about watching this one

Drake’s review: It’s not often that I get the chance to get out of the Mutant Basement these days, but when the Grand Overlord of All Things Mutant* calls you up to his office, you don’t say no. And then when he asks you about a Sam Raimi movie that you’ve never even heard of, you just nod knowingly and say, “I’m on it, chief!”

And then you scoot as quickly as you can, because he’s a busy Mutant Overlord and he’s not above cracking heads with his Mutant Thwack Stick™ when he wants everyone out of his office. Or sometimes just when he’s bored.

But that still leaves the tiny problem of finding and reviewing this little movie that’s existed in a state of perpetual obscurity for over three decades. Fortunately, I’m a resourceful Mutant Reviewer with worldwide contacts in the cult film community, and so I called in a few favors, greased a few palms, and within a day or so I had access to this hitherto unknown film.

OK, OK, I actually just typed the name into YouTube and it was right there. But back alley deals and shady video greymarketers makes a much better story.

Either way, though, I did find and watch Easy Wheels, a 1989 biker comedy co-written by Sam Raimi (under the pseudonym Celia Abrams, the name of his mother) with his brother Ivan and director David O’Malley.

So, anyway. How have you guys been? I mean, sure, you’re probably caught up on what’s going on with me if you’ve read any of my reviews lately. Got my movie trivia wrong, exiled to the Mutant Basement, etc. I’m not gonna lie, it’s been pretty tough. But, hey, the Seahawks won Super Bowl LX! So that’s pretty cool! Now I’m just torn on which celebratory shirt to get, and that’s been a hard decision to make. I could run a few ideas past you, maybe you could help me figure it out…

No? You came here for a movie review? Sigh. I mean, okay. But I’m not promising much, because this flick really didn’t give me a lot to work with. I mean, look, the biker movie genre is pretty niche in the first place, right? Out of all the Mutant Reviewers who have ever written word one on this site, I’m guessing that there’s just a single brain-damaged diehard that’s ever seen more than two or three biker flicks, and you’re reading his meandering ruminations right now.

But for some reason Sam Raimi took it upon himself to write a Mel Brooks-ish parody of biker movies for the maybe dozen of us who would have even cared about the genre in 1989. And judging by how fast Easy Wheels fell into the dark pit of cinematic obscurity, less than half of us even saw it back then.

And I’m not going to say that’s a shame, since Easy Wheels is just… not very good. Ostensibly a battle of the sexes story, it follows the exploits of Bruce (Paul LeMat, Aloha, Bobby & Rose), the leader of a pack of sensitive souls known as the Born Losers. Helpful and kind, the club comes across a couple whose baby was stolen and resolve to bring the child back. They roar off in pursuit, without ever learning that the babynappers are in fact a vicious women’s biker gang known as the Women of the Wolf.

Led by She Wolf (Eileen Davidson, The House on Sorority Row), who was raised by wolves and may or may not be a werewolf herself, the Women of the Wolf are hellraisers out to bust some heads. Nevertheless, She Wolf herself starts to fall for Bruce. But can these two crazy kids make it work when their gangs finally come to blows?

Sure. Maybe. I dunno. Whatever.

Easy Wheels never really works because it’s never really that funny. There are some humorous moments here and there, but as a whole, the movie lacks real punch. The characters are often faux serious about very unserious things, and the film spends long stretches ambling by at a lethargic pace instead of speeding along to the next joke. The humor doesn’t land because I’m not sure the filmmakers even knew what they were parodying in the first place, so Easy Wheels just kind of meanders through its 90 minutes, gets to the requisite fight scene, and ends.

So, look, just between you and me, the next time the Great Mutant Emperor** calls me up to his office, I might just stay hidden in the basement. After all, the Mutant Mice down there might steal all of my government cheese, and they might glow in the dark, but at least they don’t make me watch bad biker movie parodies.

Although they have been hinting at wanting to see Ed Wood’s Orgy of the Dead. I really need to get out of the Mutant Basement.

*Justin.

**Also Justin.

Intermission!

• “The ill-fated Becky Sue.” Don’t get too attached to Becky Sue.
• The Women of the Wolf visit their baby fence, who has drawers full of baby boys that he can’t move. OK, kind of funny, but even this visual joke doesn’t quite land.
• Ted Raimi sighting! He’s the bartender. So who gets more acting jobs due to their brother directing, Ted Raimi or Sean Gunn?
• She Wolf smashes a TV that the other Women of the Wolf are watching a soap opera on. The joke here is that Eileen Davidson is a soap opera star.
• Aww. His chain is so tiny!