“I wonder what he’s chasing — blood or kisses?”

Justin’s rating: Brought to you by the extra U in armour!

Justin’s review: I always have to shake my head and grin at audacious filmmakers who just throw us into the deep end right at the start and grunt, “Swim or drown.” And that’s certainly the case for Italian-made Hearts and Armour, which kicks off with a girl getting a prophecy from an oracle about some dude she’s going to marry — and the guy who’s going to kill him in turn.

Set during the Crusades — but perhaps an alternate universe where there’s more fantasy and magical elements — this sword-and-sorcery flick follows a quartet of soldiers as they fight and fall in love across the battlefield. Bradamante is a former rich girl-turned-adventurer who is rescued from ruffians by a magical suit of armor with nobody inside. Under orders to do so, she puts on the armor and becomes invincible, which opens up all kinds of future job opportunities.

The fact that we got a female knight as a movie’s lead in 1983 is nothing short of astounding (and incredibly cool). But instead of this devolving into a superhero movie, Hearts and Armour shifts into period romance where forbidden love crosses the racial and religious divide.

The shorthand version here is:

• Bradamante (girl, Christian) captures Angelica (girl, Moor)
• Bradamante then falls in love with Ruggero (guy, Moor)
• Ruggero is destined to be killed by Orlando (guy, Christian)
• Orlando falls in love with Angelica, and then the circle is complete

You’ll need this list, because Hearts and Armour makes everyone look the same, as if an Italian casting studio hired only Italians. The Moors don’t look Moorish at all, and I was never quite sure where all of this was supposed to be taking place. Maybe Australia? Omaha?

If you watch this movie, you’re really going to have to make peace with the fact that you’ll never quite know what’s going on. Rumor is that Hearts and Armour was cut down from a four-hour miniseries, leaving much of the plot and explanation on the editing room floor. The story, developments, and characters are a confusing mess that had me making up my own narrative as it went along. And don’t get me started on bizarre elements like a druidic wizard who shows up once in a while to be a crazy meddler-like leprechaun or the samurai warrior parading around in Europe.

So why see it? Probably because Hearts and Armour really wants to be Excalibur and doesn’t skimp on a whole lot of medieval warfare, duels, and bloody wounds. As a visual spectacle, it’s quite striking in parts, especially with all the outdoor settings. If all you want is a lot of people going all Dark Ages on others, this had some brutal hack-and-slash ready for the willing.

As a bonus in the visual department, a good number of the characters sport absolutely ridiculous helmet designs, presumably so that we can keep straight who’s who when we can’t see their faces. My favorite was Bird Man, who had a raven perched on his head, a beak on the front of his helmet, and chainmail that looked like feathers.

If we could actually follow along with this tale — and if it was told more coherently — then Hearts and Armour would be a stronger recommendation. But muddled as it is, this probably only has appeal to those trying to check off every sword-and-sorcery flick from the ’80s (and there were a whole lot of them). Personally? I thought it was pretty dull and squandered an interesting premise.