“Young people today, all they want to do is shake their butts.”

Justin’s rating: We’re going to need a bigger Tarzan’s Raft

Justin’s review: If you want real adventure in the heart of nature, you have to go to Africa. Livingston knew it, Indiana Jones knew it, Tim Curry knew it, and when you watch The Great Alligator, you’ll know it too.

Italian director Sergio Martino takes us to the Dark Continent where there’s a new $3 million tourist trap named Paradise House that’s hoping to draw in the gullible tourists. To help on the publicity front, photographer Daniel is brought to the resort to be as absolutely obnoxious with his camera as possible. If there’s a face, trust Daniel to be shoving his Nikon right up into it. He’s also making googly eyes with anthropologist Alice, the sole white girl there.

Daniel should’ve taken up that offer from Vogue instead. It turns out that all of this resort-making angered the river god Kroona, who decided to take the form of a giant alligator (actually a crocodile, but they hope you won’t notice) hungry for human snacks — and it’s at an all-you-can-eat buffet once the spring break crowd arrives.

This creature feature made a name for itself on the cult circuit for how it’s both laughably made in parts and yet surprisingly restrained and skillful in others. The Great Alligator embraces the African setting in full, but the resort’s decision to turn this place into a tacky theme park makes you more sympathetic to the river god than the tourists.

This being a film from the ’70s that happens to include a whole lot of African natives, you can expect a certain lack of PC sensitivity. While this does produce a couple cringy moments, it’s not necessarily all bad — the locals are capable of being likable, interesting, and threatening as any other character without a writer worried about making everyone look perfect.

I was expecting that The Great Alligator would go full-on exploitation, but it doesn’t. This isn’t a gross, gory flick with a side dish of flesh. Rather, it’s a story that gradually builds up this great unseen threat and then unleashes it upon a lot of people who are slow to believing that it’s out there.

But don’t worry, they put a fence in the water to keep it away from the swimmers, so I’m sure that’s the last we’ll hear of that beastie.

In typical bad movie fashion, there’s plenty to point at and mock, including many out-of-nowhere non sequiturs. Astute observers will note that the animals, props, and even natives don’t seem endemic to just Africa but rather a sampling from around the globe. I guess the Italians weren’t that concerned with continuity.

The biggest problem is that the killer alligator isn’t believable at all, mostly because it’s a lifeless prop that the camera zooms into and pretends is a great danger to everyone. You’ll probably feel more threatened by tossing a dollar store rubber lizard into a pond than by this critter, especially when it becomes obvious how little they’re actually able to show of it.

“Jaws meets Jurassic Park in the 1970s” is a strong elevator pitch, and that’s why The Great Alligator is worth seeing — but only just barely.

Intermission!

• 782 species of birds in this park! And all we see are treetops!
• Mr. Cobra is upset you’re blowing up all his trees with dynamite
• Also, is dynamite the best way to get rid of trees?
• Who needs a zoom lens when you can shove your camera right into people’s faces?
• Piggies make great gator bait!
• Crocodile Bridge, Tarzan’s Raft
• It’s a killer… tree trunk! AHHHH!
• Guys are a little resentful when you scare off the topless natives
• “It looks like they’re going to the island of love.”
• “You don’t look like an idiot, so please don’t talk like one.”
• “Even if you s— on yourself, no one will see it in here!” what?
• Alligator attacks are the perfect time for hugs and dramatic leaps into the water
• OK, seriously movie, make up your mind: Is it a crocodile or an alligator?
• Also, it’s totally a crocodile.
• About time we had a pointless fistfight in a radio room
• “I feel so GROOOVY!” ahh 1979
• Bed cobra is not much cause for alarm
• I don’t want to be mean, but that little girl is three kinds of creepy
• That raft is like an inch out of the water, that’s not going to save you
• Flaming arrows to the chest is so fun that you’ll want to jump into the water right away
• Just a thought, but maybe it was a bad idea to put giant impaling spikes on top of your river fence
• So the croc is just biting people to death and then spitting them out to go to the next victim?